Cave Mother

Return of Menses

2010-09-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

Several people have emailed me to chat about their own concerns regarding the return of postpartum menses, so I know it's something that lots of people are interested in. I'm pleased to report that my cycles have finally returned! My period started 2 years and 25 days after giving birth, and in future I shall treasure this time in amenorrhoea instead of worrying about it.

Did I ovulate? I don't take my temperatures, so I don't know for sure. But I know I had several days of fertile mucous and some serious mittelschmerz - the latter is something I had never experienced before. Thirteen days after the ovulation cramps subsided, I began to bleed, so I can only guess that I did ovulate.

Was my period any heavier/lighter/more painful than usual? I was expecting the worst but actually it has been very normal and perhaps slightly less painful than it used to be. I hope this is a taster for things to come!

What prompted my menses to resume? There doesn't seem to have been any change in Cave Baby's suckling habits. If anything, I would say she has been suckling more (particularly at night) in the last couple of months. Maybe her sessions are a bit shorter. I have been taking the herb agnus castus (usually called vitex in the US) for two months now. It is meant to stimulate hormone production and is generally purported to be a fertility wonder drug, so perhaps that has made the difference.

So when am I going to start trying to conceive another child? Cave Father and I need to have "the conversation". But I would like a 3 year age gap, so I think we'll start soon. Having said that, I really want to have a winter baby this time so it will not be the youngest in its school year like Cave Baby. Maybe I'll have to wait a bit longer. If I can. Aaah, baby lust.

Oh, and another thing. Cave Baby, the incredibly attached, booby-loving, tantrum-having sweetheart, went to sleep for her daddy when I went out for my first ever postpartum evening out! I wouldn't have predicted it. She's a clever little thing. It seems that when I'm around, boobie is all that will do, but she can actually get herself to sleep quite happily when boobie is unavailable. They know a thing or two, these babies.

Clearing My Throat.. Ahem.. It's Been a While

2010-09-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. So what's going on? Well, I've been:

Going on holiday

Starting breastfeeding counselling training

Reading tons of books on breastfeeding

Cave Baby is now two and she's starting to go to sleep without boobie! I thought it would never happen but suddenly, out of the blue, she sometimes prefers to unlatch, turn over and be shushed to sleep. Unbelievable, I know. It even makes me believe that one day she will self-wean. And that is hard to comprehend. She has even been sleeping through the night occasionally, though that hasn't happened for a few weeks since the latest molars started to make themselves known.

So what else? I've starting taking vitex agnus castus to stimulate my body to ovulate. I'm six weeks in and I finally have egg-white cervical mucous, so it might be working. It's time to admit now that I would really like to have another baby.

Oh, and I'm still sworn off shampoo. A bicarb wash every four days is quite sufficient at the moment. It makes me woder why I spent all that money on shampoo in the past.

So another summer has gone and the wheel of the year turns again. I'll try to catch up with some of the blogs I used to frequent, though breastfeeding counselling training comes first.

Happy autumn.

Bicarb Quickie

2010-06-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

This is a quick No Poo update. It is almost three weeks since I last washed my hair with shampoo and, contrary to my expectations, it feels soft, clean and not at all greasy. I want to make it clear that I would not be saying this if it was not true; I did not go into this expecting bicarbonate of soda to work.

My hair does feel a little different to how it used to. It is slightly heavier and fuller than it was after a normal shampoo. After two days without a wash it feels even heavier and thicker, but not as greasy as it would have done two days after a shampoo wash. The appearance of my hair is much the same as it always was, only now I don't have to use serum or blow dry it to get it to look smooth and nice. The biggest change is to my scalp. Previously it was dry, flaky and itchy. All of that has stopped now that I am not using harsh detergents on it.

My routine is currently: put bicarb mix on scalp (about 1/2 tsp bicarb to 1/2 cup water); massage and leave 2 mins; rinse well; squirt on some dilute cider vinegar (about 1 tsp to 100ml water); rinse. I am still doing this every two days. I have tried going longer but I don't like the heavy feeling of my hair; maybe I will be able to leave longer between washes as time goes on.

I am curious to see how things develop and if my hair changes further. The transition period is meant to last anywhere from two weeks to two months, so I might still be in it. I would urge anyone who has a passing interest in No Poo to give it a go because it really is so much less scary than I imagined, and if you have a sensitive scalp then it might be the solution you have always been looking for.

PS I'm going on holiday now so please don't think I'm rude if I don't respond to any comments for a while.

Different Strokes (Or Why I Hate Crying It Out)

2010-06-04T02:31:00.000-07:00

When you're encased in your happy little attachment parenting bubble, it's easy to forget how differently some other babies experience their first few years. So I have to admit that I was shocked when I spent the weekend with a family who err on the stricter side of things. My thoughts on this are all in a bit of a jumble, but I wanted to get my reactions down while they're raw. These are my opinions - they may be right or wrong, but they are mine.

First of all there is the discipline issue. This other family seemed to be overwhelmingly negative in their approach to discipline. If their baby girl (just over 1 year old) did something unwanted, like put something in her mouth, their first strategy was to say "No". If that didn't work (and of course it didn't because she was only just 1) then they punished her by removing her from the place of interest or picked her up so she couldn't do anything. There was no attempt to interest her in a safer or more desirable activity - it was just "No, that's it, no more fun". To me it just seemed so joyless.

Our family's approach to discipline is to first consider whether the activity really is undesirable. For example, should I really tell my daughter off for digging in the flowerbeds? Should I accept that she's copying me and learning? Should I direct her to a bit of the garden where I don't mind her digging? If something is unsafe or I really don't want her doing it then I say "No" and direct her to an alternative activity. I am not one of these parents who refuses to tell their children off, but I just think we need to give them a bit of space to explore and learn in their own way. That's just my opinion and it fits with my personality and upbringing. Different people do things different ways.

The thing that really shocked me was the crying it out. There I was, trying to nurse Cave Baby to sleep, while across the hall this other child was screaming her lungs out trying to get her mum to come and comfort her. I fucking hate crying it out. What's so bad about giving the baby a quick cuddle and sitting with it while it dozes off? The particular parents in question are not totally insensitive bastards and they did eventually relent, at which point the baby went to sleep quietly, easily and calmly. But I could not understand why they were so reluctant to sit with it in the first place. How have several generations of parents been persuaded that they should forget all their instincts and ignore their quite plainly desperate babies?

Don't get into the whole "I was at my wits end and I was about to break down and so I left him to cry" business. I understand that, and I understand that sometimes you just have to shut the door and take a deep breath. What I despise is systematic, repeated crying it out. It's not necessary. It stresses babies. Done frequently, it could harm their mental health as children and adults. Why are we, as a society, so afraid of admitting this? We are afraid to say out loud that formula feeding kills babies and we are similarly petrified of saying that crying it out harms babies' brains.

There, I said it. I put my cards on the table. I fucking despise crying it out. It troubles me more than any other parenting issue. I was almost crying myself when I had to listen to that baby's pleas. As my lovely partner himself said, "That baby is such a free spirit, I hope they don't damage her".

I know there are many people out there who are going to disagree with me. But this is what I think. If you are interested in this issue, I would suggest reading "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt. In the meantime, do tell me what you think about discipline and sleep training.

The Reality of Child Mortality

2010-05-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed any of the recent articles on child mortality across the world? Here in the UK the headlines have told us that we have the highest death rate of under-5s in the whole of Western Europe, with 5.3 deaths per 1000 live births. That compares with Sweden's 2.7.

But the figures from other Americanised cultures are equally as bad: Australia had 4.7 deaths per 1000, Canada had 4.9 and the US had a shocking 6.7.

Child deaths are falling across the world, in developing as well as developed nations. But I still have to wonder why they are higher in American-type cultures than European countries. The reasons are obviously very complex but increases in obesity, fertility treatment and average maternal age are surely important factors.

Could the private American health system also be to blame for it's terrible child mortality? The UK's National Health Service is far from brilliant, but at least every mother has easy access to quality obstetric and paediatric care if it is needed.

Years ago, before the NHS was established, my great great aunt lost her two year old son to diptheria because she could not afford to take him to hospital. She never had another child and for the rest of her life she cursed herself for failing to save him. This is the reality behind child mortality.

Bicarbonate of Soda Actually Works

2010-05-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

I was expecting to come out of the shower with hair as greasy as when I went in. But this week's revelation is: bicarbonate of soda does actually clean my hair.

I've used it twice so far and my hair feels pretty much normal. However I have two things going in my favour:

a) I only washed my hair every two days anyway, and I didn't use much shampoo; and
b) We have really soft water.

For anyone interested, I read around a few websites and decided to use a softly-softly approach to begin with. So I am only using one teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda mixed with a cupful of water (200ml to be precise). I pour about half of that on my head, massage it into the scalp for a couple of minutes then rinse. I thought I would gradually increase the dosage if it wasn't working, but so far it seems to be cleaning my hair well enough.

I still have a bit of conditioner left in a bottle so I've been using that after the wash. When it has run out I'll start experimenting with cider vinegar.

I keep wondering why I've been using shampoo for thirty years when that bicarbonate of soda sitting in the kitchen cupboard would do the job just as well. It's quite amazing.

Not Crunchy, Just Kind

2010-05-21T05:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going ahead with the whole no 'poo thing. Under normal circumstances I would have washed my hair today but instead I gave it a rinse, so I suppose today counts as day 1. When it gets disgustingly greasy I'll get to grips with bicarbonate of soda and I might go to see if Holland and Barrett have any cider vinegar (though I'm not getting my hopes up since I live in one of the most un-healthfoody places in the country. In fact it's a wonder that our local one makes enough money to pay the rent, let alone make a profit).

But why, I find myself wondering, do I want to ditch the shampoo? What's my motivation? You see I'm not really your typical crunchy attachment parent (if there is such a thing). I'm not really very crunchy at all. Well, maybe just a little bit.

I think different people do crunchy things for different reasons. Some, like the blogger Maman a Droit, have found that religion has led them to live more in harmony with nature. In her profile she explains:

I try to do things naturally 'cause I think that's the way God designed them to run, so I come to a lot of the same conclusions as my liberal sisters!

Others might be motivated by general respect for nature and concern about the impact humans have on the planet.

Personally, I think I come from a more scientific angle. I want to live in the manner that my body is biologically adapted for. I just think that my body was designed to work a certain way and I will feel mentally and physically better if I allow it to live in that way. Furthermore, I am instinctively thrifty and I love any opportunity to save money. Crunchiness and frugality seem to go hand in hand.

Speaking of hair in particular, I look around at the other hairy animals that inhabit this planet and they all seem to have lovely coats despite not lathering themselves with detergent every two days. I'm pretty sure that humans haven't been doing it for more than a few hundred years either. I have no doubt that human hair can look good without being drenched in harsh chemicals on a regular basis so goddamn it, I'm going to give it a go.

This train of thought has got me wondering what motivations other people have for doing crunchy things. What's your story?

On a Slightly Different Note: Baby Toiletries

2010-05-17T05:37:00.001-07:00

It is warm, finally. The sun is shining. Looking after my baby is getting easier and easier. I am getting excited about my breastfeeding counselling training and things are starting to fall into place around the peer support I am currently involved in. Life is good. So what is a formerly angst-ridden mother supposed to write about?

I have found my mind turning towards the old "no 'poo" thing. You know, no shampoo (the other thing would be unhealthy). Since Cave Baby was born we have probably washed her hair with shampoo about three times. I remember in our antenatal class the midwife told us not to bother with baby toiletries, so we took her literally and bought none. (This caused some consternation to the midwife who visited the day after the birth wanting to bathe Cave Baby and wash the blood off her head. She could not imagine not putting any products in a bath). Despite our shunning of hair products, Cave Baby has the softest, cleanest, most gorgeously baby-smelling hair. All we do is rinse it under the shower every three or four days, and we don't use any skin washing products on her either.

What I want to know is whether this clean un-shampooed hair phenomenon is a consequence of her being a baby, or whether it would work for me too? Will there come a time when her hair does become greasy and we have to resort to shampoo? I have mixed feelings about taking the no 'poo route with my own hair. I like the idea of saving money but on the other hand I take quite a lot of pleasure in shopping for a really yummy smelling shampoo and conditioner every few months.

Even if I don't wean myself off shampoo, I'm still keen to keep my baby product-free and I will try bicarbonate of soda-based concoctions if they become necessary. I'd love to hear of anyone else's experiences of keeping their babies shampoo-free.

On a slightly different but related point, does anyone have any good remedies for baby eczema? Despite our avoidance of soap and a daily slathering with aqueous cream, Cave Baby still has patches of red itchy skin. I have used hydrocortisone cream which does sort the problem out temporarily, but the eczema just returns when I discontinue using it.

For anyone interested in reading more about No 'Poo, there are loads of bloggers out there who have written about it but I can particularly recall Top Hat's no 'poo chronicles. And the post that inspired me to write this one was Joe's on here new blog Slightly Frugal. Sometimes Hippie. Always Busy.

Enjoy reading and please tell me if you've any advice for me.

I'm Touching Wood, But I Think Things Have Got Easier

2010-05-06T05:25:00.000-07:00

I can finally say it: things really do get easier. Sometime around the 18 month mark things started to fall into place. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what has changed, but I feel better, calmer, more contented.

I wake up most mornings feeling rested, much like I used to do before I had a child. It's not that I don't get woken in the night, but the night feeding sessions are shorter and less frequent and they just don't seem to affect me like they used to. During the day Cave Baby doesn't stress me out as much as she did in the past. For a couple of months she seems to have become less clingy. It's just little things that make the difference; in the past, for example, she would scream if I put her down while I was getting my breakfast and now she's happy to potter around the kitchen instead. I can honestly say that I am now feeling like the person I was 20 months ago. And that is a good feeling.

I'm not writing here as much as I used to and that's because I don't have that same frustration inside me that needed to vent somewhere. I have come through the most difficult days with my first child and I can look back with a little distance at my experiences. I don't have that immediate sense of anger at the way society was telling me to bring up my child. I can see how and why different people are motivated to raise their children in different ways and I am confident that the close, loving care that I chose to lavish on my baby was the right thing for her. I can even talk objectively to new mothers about the pros and cons of attachment parenting without feeling that my choices need to be justified or defended.

I still want to shout from the rooftops how we need to hold, nurse and love our youngsters but I have found other ways to do it besides blogging. I help mothers to breastfeed at a support group and I provide friendship and support at a coffee morning. And I am about to embark on training to become a full-blown breastfeeding counsellor so I can provide real practical help to get more women breastfeeding. Most importantly, I have built a network of like-minded mothers who keep their babies close, sleep beside them at night and refuse to do anything remotely resembling crying it out. Finding support online was absolutely invaluable for me when I was deep in the hardest parts of my first year as a mother, but the real life support I now have is even more reassuring.

So if I'm not updating this blog quite as often, these are all the reasons. The challenges posed by a 20 month old toddler just aren't as immediate and stressful as those posed by a high needs, boob-loving, sleep-dodging baby. Having reached this point in my life as a mother, I am even finding myself telling new mothers how it will eventually get easier and more comfortable. I no longer feel the need to justify my decisions all the time because my daughter is the walking talking evidence that attachment parenting works (though I still hate the term).

So if you are reading this from the bottom of the pit of new baby exhaustion, please believe me when I say that you will eventually feel better. It might take a year, or 18 months or 2 years but you will some day feel like your old self again. Just knowing this is going to help me to survive the hard days that I still do occasionally have. But it also casts a new light on the idea of having another baby; when will I really be ready to submit myself to another 18 months of tiredness and anxiety? (By the way, there are no worries about having another one just yet because yes, I am still anovulatory).

Did you notice a point at which your life became easier? And did you find it hard to contemplate embarking on the whole baby adventure for a second time?

Ovulation, Delaying Nursing and Some Other Stuff

2010-04-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

This post is going to go into a little more detail than you may be used to about something that we don't often talk about: cervical fluid. But it's also about breastfeeding and how I'm getting on with delaying my daughter's nursing, so it's not all icky. Don't worry.

I'm still period-free after almost 20 months of breastfeeding and whilst I'm not worried about it, I would quite like to get back into the old routine some time before I hit the menopause. According to Sheila Kippley, 8% of ecologically breastfeeding mothers (that is those who feed on demand night and day, co-sleep and do not use any artificial nipples) go for over 2 years postpartum without having a period. So I'm not alone.

But the thing is that if you are one of those people who have a long amenorrhea, your cycles tend to need a bit of a kick to get them started again. Basically your body gets in a really nice groove with the constant flow of ovulation-suppressing prolactin and even if your baby feeds a little less and the prolactin decreases slightly, you don't necessarily ovulate. La Leche League suggest kick-starting ovulation by making an abrupt change such as avoiding breastfeeding for 24 hours. This gives your ovaries a break from the prolactin released during breastfeeding and allows them to raise you oestrogen level high enough to trigger ovulation.

I'm not going to do the 24 hour break thing because it wouldn't be fair on my daughter. But my body has been giving me signs that it is trying to ovulate, so I am hoping that if I help it out a little I will be rewarded with a cycle. Cave Baby's night-time sleep has improved a lot recently and she often wakes just once in the night, so I am already nursing less than I was. A small reduction in daytime nursing might be all I need to get my oestrogen level over that threshold.

So how do I know that my body wants to ovulate? Your cervical fluid (the stuff that your cervix makes and which makes a white patch on your pants) can tell you a lot about what is going on in your body. In a normal cycle you start by having a period then your vagina is fairly dry for a few days. As you approach ovulation your ovaries produce oestrogen in increasing quantities. The oestrogen causes your cervix to produce fluid. Most people will first experience sticky whitish cervical fluid, then a couple of days later it will become more lotiony like hand cream. Finally, a day or two before ovulation, the cervix makes a clear, stretchy fluid that is perfect for sperm to swim through. It's your body's way of making your vagina a welcoming place for sperm so that you are more likely to get pregnant.

If you are experiencing a period of anovulation like me, your cervical fluid does not follow the usual pattern. In fact I currently have sticky or lotiony fluid all the time, and it is this that tells me that my oestrogen levels are quite high. Sometimes it even starts to get a bit stretchy like true fertile fluid, but then I am required to sit through a nursing marathon and the ovaries are squashed back down again. I am obviously making a lot of oestrogen, but just not quite enough to cause an egg to be released. By the way, I know what my cervical fluid is like because most days I wash my hands then use them to feel for my cervix and take a sample of the fluid surrounding it.

So without wishing to do anything drastic like weaning, I'm just seeing if delaying nursing sessions will make a difference to me. I read all the advice on my last post and I think it helped me see that everyone reaches a point where they want to adjust the nursing relationship a little bit to fit around their lives more comfortably. And I am not reducing the amount of nursing we do purely to help me regain my fertility; it is also about my convenience since the frequent feeds were starting to become a nuisance. So at present I am not offering the breast (though I never have done; my little girl has never needed reminding to feed!) and when she asks for it, I am routinely offering food and/or a drink and/or a distraction to see if the breastfeed can wait. It has struck me how ironic it is that in the early days I was concerned that my baby should feed only when she was hungry and not just for comfort, whereas now I am avoiding the hunger feeds and trying to restrict myself just to the comfort ones!

In my head, I am now playing the part of the ewe who starts to kick her lambs away occasionally when they want to feed but she would rather walk to a juicy new bit of grass instead. Placing restrictions on nursing seems to be a perfectly natural thing to do at this stage in the breastfeeding relationship. I will give it a month or two and see how things go. I am not going to be worried if I do not ovulate in the next few weeks because I know it will happen eventually (she says, keeping her fingers crossed).

Have you any experience of altering your nursing patterns so that your body can resume monthly cycles? Or have you used fertility awareness to help you avoid or achieve pregnancy?

PS If you are reading Liz, I have finally read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and I thank you for the recommendation.

When To Wait to Nurse

2010-04-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I have no hang ups about breastfeeding in public. I nurse my 19 month old anywhere and everywhere - indoors, outdoors, in shops, cafes, museums, parks, supermarkets or wherever we happen to be when she asks for a feed. But I must admit that I sometimes tire of my breasts being permanently available. It tends to happen on those velcro days when my daughter puts her hand down my bra every fifteen minutes.

I accept frequent feedings as part and parcel of the toddler nursing experience, and when we're at home I just put up with them. But I can get sick of them really quickly when we're out. Actually it's worst when we're at tots groups, and it is not because of embarrassment.

The thing is that the minute you get your breasts out to feed a toddler, you make it pretty obvious to everyone around that you are a fairly keen supporter of breastfeeding. I feel like a bit of a breastfeeding ambassador and the last thing I want to do is turn other mothers off breastfeeding because they think it will make their child needy like mine. In reality she is just a normal toddler, but we are not used to seeing children of her age nursing so any requests to nurse in public tend to be seen as over-demanding.

I was at just such a tots group recently and Cave Baby, having one of her velcro days, was on and off my boobs every few minutes. I was feeling a bit annoyed about this, but not so much that I would deny a request to nurse. Anyway, I happened to be talking to a lady who is extremely supportive of breastfeeding and had nursed her youngest child for three years. But I think she sensed my discomfort because at one point in our conversation she said, "Soon, you'll be able tell her to wait until later to nurse".

This comment sent my brain into one of its customary tailspins. Had she been trying to suggest that my daughter was too old to be nursing so often? Was she giving me a hint that it was time to start telling her to wait until we get home? Was she just saying what she thought I wanted to hear because I was annoyed with my daughter? Did she think that I was uncomfortable with the idea of nursing her in public? Did she think I was in need of permission to refuse to nurse?

Later I wondered when is the right time to ask a child to wait to nurse. I don't want to refuse my daughter, but sometimes it would be nice to say "Wait until we get in the car" or "Wait until we get home". Again, this is not out of embarrassment but rather convenience. I don't want to have to rearrange my clothing in the middle of the supermarket. Breastfeeding is a two-way relationship that has to work for both mother and child, so I have to get things my way occasionally.

Kellymom says that delaying nursing works for children over the age of 18 months or so. Reading other people's experiences (like Hobo Mama's here), I think it takes many toddlers a bit longer to learn to wait. I don't believe my daughter is ready yet.

So, dear readers, I need your help. What I want to know is whether you ever delayed nursing your child, and at what age you felt they were able to understand that they had to wait a few minutes. Please give me the benefit of your wealth of toddler nursing experience. I'll be so grateful!

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)

Replace hitting with…? — Acacia at Be Present Mama is at a loss on how to handle her three year old's hitting.
Two Questions — Alexandra at Breastfeeding Momma would like some ideas on how to strengthen her bond with her 8-month-old daughter; she's also looking for input on an emotional topic: vaccines.
Balancing Needs When Baby Trumps Mama — Alison at BluebirdMama wonders how her child's need for noise and energy balances out against her need for quiet and space. (@childbearing )
The McDilemma — Annie at PhD in Parenting is on the arches of a McDilemma. (@phdinparenting)
Where is the mutually agreeable solution? When parenting calls for blood draws — Arwyn at Raising My Boychick has a child who needs regular blood tests that are torment for him. How does a parent honor a child when his health is on the line? (@RaisingBoychick)
When To Wait To Nurse — Cave Mother wonders what age toddlers can be asked to wait to nurse.
I don't love you Mama! — CurlyMonkey wonders what to do with her daughter's intense feelings. (@curlymonkey_)
Help a Mama Out — Danielle at Born.in.Japan isn't getting much sleep with her cosleeping, night nursing, cranky little guy and hopes you can help with some suggestions for shuteye. (@borninjp)
Dear Abby: My daughter really misses her Daddy — Darcel at The Mahogany Way needs to know how to help her daddy's girl get the connection with her father she needs — and not feel left out in the process. (@MahoganyWayMama)
What's Going on at School? — Deb at Science@home is in a quandary: how can she find out what really goes on at school without stepping on the teacher's toes? (@ScienceMum)
April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Advice — Dionna at Code Name: Mama wants to find volunteer work that includes her toddler. (@CodeNameMama)
A Beatnik's Beat on Life — Erin at Beatnik Momma does not want to engage in "mommy wars." She'd like your input on how (and how much) to discuss her natural parenting choices with curious friends and family who parent differently. (@babybeatnik)
Dear Abby — The Grumbles at Grumbles and Grunts gave her son a banana...and no solid food since. What's the next step in baby-led weaning? (@thegrumbles)
Excuse me, I have a poop question — Jessica at This is Worthwhile has two questions for your consideration. One is about toddler stuttering, the other about toddler tinkling. (@tisworthwhile)
The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow? — Joni Rae at Kitchen Witch Momma is suffering from "half-empty nest syndrome": what do you do when your babies start growing up? (@kitchenwitch)
Peer Pressure — Kate at Momopoly worries what message her daughter's new friend is sending — but how to break up such an infatuation? (@Momopoly)
When I Fall Down — Katherine at Momioso.com needs your wisdom on how to be more gentle and at peace with herself. (@naturalparent)
A question of sleep and sanity — KeepingMumSane needs your toddler cosleeping advice in order to, well, keep mum sane! (@keepingmumsane)

April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice — Lauren at Hobo Mama needs a chiropractor … or help getting her 36 lb toddler to walk up the stairs. (@Hobo_Mama)
Driver's Ed for Mommies — Maman A Droit is a self-confessed terrible driver and is scared to drive with her baby in the car.
Solo Parenting — Mammapie at Downside Up and Outside In needs tips for being a single working mother while her partner's away. (@mammapie)
Itsy Bitsy Biter — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting needs your advice about her daughter, otherwise known as the pitbull.
How Can I Avoid Beauty Obsession? — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! is at a loss ever since her tomboys turned into wannabe princesses. (@bfmom)
Seeking Stability in Chaos — Michelle at Seeking Mother is in a heart-wrenching position. She needs your input on how to make a toddler feel secure during a time of transition, the illness of a parent, and multiple (new) caregivers. (@Seekingmother)
Mama, That's Too, Too Boring! — Michelle at The Parent Vortex started out asking how to encourage her preschooler to get dressed — and four days later, she began to without prompting! (@TheParentVortex)
Parenting Advice for the Girl From Outer Space — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one's your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup)
Diaper Duty Dilemma — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries has a simple request: talk to her about cloth! (@babydust)
What Do You Need My Son — pchanner at A Mom's Fresh Start wishes her calm four-month-old hadn't turned into an inquisitive and dramatic six-month-old. How do you handle changes in baby's personality? (@pchanner)
Dear Natural Parenting Community — Sarah at OneStarryNight wants to know how to respond to criticism from family and friends over breastfeeding. (@starrymom)
Natural Parenting Carnival — Help — Sarah at Consider Eden feels like either her to-do list or her parenting is suffering, because she can't do both! (@considereden)
To potty learn or not to potty learn — that is the question — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes wants to know whether it's time to start potty training. (@sheryljesin)
Seeking Patience — Starr at Earth Mama looks to the collective tribal wisdom of this community to learn how to teach patience to children.
A Dirty Girl Comes Clean — Tashmica at Mother Flippin' is struggling. How do parents deal with their inability to keep their children protected from danger? (@Mother_Flippin)
Uli and the Pussy Cats — Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis has a toddler who likes to put kitties in headlocks and ride them like horsies. How best to separate the little beasties?
Perceptions of Discipline — Zoey at Good Goog doesn't use conventional discipline with her child — and doesn't know how to respond around people who do. (@zoeyspeak)

I Sat By The Canal

2010-04-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

It's the nicest day of the year so far. I took my baby to a park and when she wanted feeding I sat on the grass beside the canal and nursed her in my lap. Ducks squabbled in front of us.

It was heaven and I love spring.

Leaving My Baby At Night

2010-04-06T05:51:00.001-07:00

Readers, I need help. I'm in a dilemma. I just don't know whether I can leave my dear baby in the evening yet. I'd love to start a course that will involve roughly one evening out per month, but I just don't have any confidence that Cave Baby will allow her daddy to put her to sleep in the evening.

We are very attached. We spend all day together. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have left her with someone else for a few hours. She is gaining a sense of independence but that does not mean that she doesn't want her mummy there, watching her from a safe distance. And for my part I have grown used to being there with her, and I can feel antsy if I'm away from her for more than two or three hours.

There is obviously a balance to strike between my needs as an adult and hers as a baby that I brought into the world. I have parented her in an "attachment" style; I can't just bail out on her now. But if my desire to study means that she suffers an evening of stress, crying and wondering where her mummy is, then I don't think that's fair.

I sometimes wonder how different things would have been if we had had an "easier" baby. If Cave Father could walk her to sleep in a sling and then put her down to sleep on the bed, without her waking, then I wouldn't be in this dilemma. But we just don't have the luxury of that kind of arrangement. She wakes if she's moved. Therefore she has to go to sleep in the place where she is going to stay, and that currently means me nursing her to sleep in bed. She will sometimes oblige by dropping off in a pushchair, but that's not a given. His only other option would be to put her in bed, switch the lights off and sing to her until she gives in and goes to sleep. The problem is that there could be a lot of crying in the interim. And don't even mention controlled crying (or gradual withdrawal, which would amount to the same thing). She can cry for ages if we're there - I can only imagine the state she would get into if she was on her own. Aside from my ideological objections to sleep training, it doesn't seem worth the effort to deal with a problem that only presents itself once a month.

Maybe I should wait another year or so. But I hope that by then there might be another baby on the way, and I also believe in grabbing opportunities when they present themselves. An opportunity is staring me straight in the face and it kills me to say no to it.

Am I just worrying too much, or is this a situation that other mothers have found themselves in? This is the type of dilemma that many parents would laugh at, but to me it is very real. I genuinely don't want to cause upset to my baby, but I do want to pursue my interests. Aaahhh! Are there any attachment parenting whizzes out there that can sort me out?

The Ideal Birth

2010-03-31T04:23:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if the natural birth community over-idealise the drug-free natural vaginal birth? The reason I say this is that as a home-birthing mama, I've lately begun to feel some of my own performance anxiety when I read other people's drug-free labour tales. And I'm not the only one: Betsy B. Honest has written a brilliant blog post on birth performance anxiety.

I like to do well at whatever I try; maybe it's because my parents praised me too much (or maybe not enough). It seems faintly ridiculous that anyone should feel pressure to "do well" at birth. Yet I think I speak for more than just myself when I say that we do feel this pressure to have the "right" kind of birth. I used gas and air to help me deal with the most painful part of the first stage of my labour; does that mean I am in any way inferior to someone who manages without any pain relief at all? I don't think so. But the natural birthing community does celebrate the drug-free home birth above all other ways of birthing. They don't mean to say that other ways are less good, but that is perhaps the message that they give.

A "good" birth is one on which the mother and baby are healthy, alert, unharmed and happy. This is physically best for the baby, enables the mother to recover quickly and gives them the best possible chance of establishing breastfeeding successfully. A drug-free home birth certainly achieves this, but it is not the only way. Sometimes mothers feel safer in hospitals and sometimes it is best that they are there just in case something goes wrong. Sometimes the judicious and timely use of pain medication may enable a mother to have the birth she desires. I am not ignoring the fact that the use of pain relief can trigger a "spiral of intervention", but sometimes it can help rather than hinder. Here is a lovely birth story of a lady who says that without pain relief and hypnobirthing to help her through a long and difficult back labour, she believes she would have ended up having a c-section.

Do you remember a couple of years ago when the press blamed the pressure to breastfeed on a woman's suicide? It was a typical piece of media sensationalism but the truth is that breastfeeding difficulties (not pressure to breastfeed) can contribute to the emergence of post-natal depression. A traumatic birth can equally lead to PND. I wonder if a failure of the childbirth experience to live up to the longed-for "ideal" can also contribute to depression?

All I am saying is that if we raise women's expectations of birth too high, they are more likely to be disappointed with their real-life experiences. Midwives tell us to expect the unexpected, and though I believe strongly that women should prepare and plan for a natural birth, it is also necessary to understand that sometimes things don't go to plan. Painful and dangerous childbirth is a consequence of our babies' large heads and our bipedalism, and it is only our large intelligent brains that have allowed us to develop methods to overcome the dangers inherent in human childbirth and reduce the maternal death rate. So I think it is wrong to assume that all interventions are automatically "unnatural". I am sure that humans have been looking for ways to ease our babies' paths into the world for as long as we have been on the earth.

Perhaps all I really want to say is that the drug-free home birthing experience is great if that's what you want, but that other satisfying birth experiences should be valued equally highly. Anything that is healthy for mother and baby should be celebrated.

Brain Fry

2010-03-29T05:03:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something deep and meaningful about the over-idealisation of natural birth or perhaps my increasing understanding of my body's slow return to postpartum fertility.

But my brain is fried, so maybe you can help me answer life's really important questions, like:

Why am I wearing two pair of knickers? (OK, the answer is that Cave Baby offered me a pair when I had already put my pants on, and she said "Bum bum" so authoritatively that I had no choice but to put them on. Then I forgot and put my tights on top).

How do you keep a coat on a toddler who has learnt to take it off?

Is it a bad idea to let my toddler play with open boxes of breakfast cereal just so I can do the washing up?

And does the fact that I cleaned the living room yesterday have any bearing on the answer to the previous question?

Is singing the "Baa baa baa, baa Babybel" jingle all around the supermarket a sign of madness, or is it acceptable for those with small children?

Eating crisps with a fork: can anyone explain why?

Maybe you'll get something more coherent later in the week. Maybe not. Ta ta!

A Male Perspective on Co-Sleeping

2010-03-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

I told Cave Father about the co-sleeping essay contest and asked him to write something for the fathers' category. To my surprise, he really liked the idea and he dashed these paragraphs off in ten minutes while I was getting Cave Baby to sleep. What I love about his essay is the way his acceptance and enjoyment of co-sleeping comes through loud and clear. He's normally a man of few words, and even when pushed he doesn't really say too much about our parenting choices. We try to make joint decisions, but, if I'm honest, it's usually more a case of me making the decisions and then checking that he doesn't object.

So, for your reading pleasure, here are Cave Father's thoughts on co-sleeping.

I don't think about co-sleeping much. It's just something that we do. After a few weeks of sleepless nights we figured out that our daughter didn't like the idea of sleeping on her own in an empty cot. Shame we didn't figure it out straight away.

Not many people agree with us. Friends and family are convinced that we are crazy. After a while though you find out that a lot of them ended up co-sleeping to various degrees. Why are they ashamed of it? I think it's great. You don't have to get up in the middle of the night to comfort your baby when she is teething. No need for Mum to stay awake half the night breast-feeding, just manoeuvre baby to the boob and she will happily suck away until full. First thing in the morning when you are dreading the idea of going to work you can play with baby instead from the comfort of a warm bed.

Bed time becomes fun instead of something to fear. She even wants to go to bed - well, sometimes. But at least if it is one of those difficult evenings when the baby energy levels seem never ending, all you have to do is go to bed, turn off the lights and 20 minutes later she will be asleep. OK, sex is a bit tricky but I guess that is why they invented the sofa!

By the way, when he talks about manoeuvring the baby to the breast in the middle of the night, that's him doing the manoeuvring! Sometimes I sleep so deeply that I don't stir when Cave Baby cries and it is him that wakes up, puts her on the breast and sees that she settles back down. Now that is a real benefit of co-sleeping!

You can read my co-sleeping essay here and enter one of your own by clicking here.

What does your partner think about co-sleeping?

My Co-Sleeping Essay

2010-03-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

I finally got round to writing my entry for the co-sleeping essay competition. So here, in 247 words, are my thoughts on how we intended to use a crib, and chose not to.

Our moses basket was dressed in soft beige velvet sprinkled with applique teddy bears. It sat on a wooden stand that my partner had lovingly crafted. A handsome pine crib stood in the nursery waiting expectantly for its owner to be born. We had scarcely given a thought to how we would care for our first baby, let alone where she would sleep. But we knew that other babies slept in cribs so that is where we expected ours to go.

How wrong we were! After less than 24 hours of life it became clear that our little girl was determined to teach us a thing or two about nighttime parenting. There was no way she was sleeping in that basket! It took us just three nights to discover that the only way she would be prepared to sleep - and to let us sleep - was nestled in bed beside her mummy.

Like many parents, we were initially worried that we were doing the wrong thing by sleeping with our baby. But we soon realised that we were in fact giving her exactly what she needed: warmth, comfort, protection and the opportunity to feed whenever she wanted. What was even better was that I got to sleep through the night without getting up once, and my partner got to wake up to his daughter's beautiful smile each morning.

Eighteen months later we are still sharing peaceful, happy nights with our little one in our new, kingsize bed.

You can read Cave Father's perspective on co-sleeping by clicking here.

The closing date for the competition is 23rd March so there is still time to enter your own essay - click here for entry details.

Parental Pat on the Back

2010-03-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

Every parent needs a pat on the back every so often. And if nobody else is going to give you one, you may as well give it to yourself. We are all our own harshest critics, but if you can find it within yourself to feel good about one little thing each day, then you are probably doing a much better job than you realise.

This sounds like a good idea for a meme doesn't it? I may or may not repeat this at regular or irregular intervals; let's just see what happens.

Here is my pat on the back for today. This morning I took Cave Baby to buy new shoes. Sounds easy? It would have been, had I not made the mistake a month ago of taking her to buy shoes when she was feeling poorly. The mere sight of the shoe measuring lady turned her into a screaming animal. We left without shoes but with a new found fear of foot measurers.

So, on to today. I had waited long enough since shoe-gate that I thought she might have forgotten all about it. Not so. Once again the crying started the minute the innocent-looking measuring device was produced. I thought we could maybe Face The Fear And Do It Anyway so I encouraged the lady to measure her feet despite the crying. We got a rough idea of her size, but she was left thoroughly traumatised by the event. Not wanting to give up, I let the lady fetch some shoes while I did my best to calm her down. We tried a bit of nursing first (I'll get my boobs out anywhere nowadays). That got her quiet until the new shoes appeared. Shoe trying was definitely not going to happen with her in that state, so I pulled out all the tactics at my disposal: carrying her around the shop, talking to old ladies, looking in the mirrors, bouncing on the chairs, taking her outside - you know the drill. Eventually, after a good 20 minutes, I managed to get her to sit on my knee, near the new shoes, without bursting into tears.

We continued to persevere, and after another 10 minutes I managed to get shoes on her and get her to walk in them! It was slow going, but my baby managed to try on about four pairs without complaining. And much to my horror, she took a shine to the garish purple patent ones with lights that flash when you walk.

So why am I proud of this? Well I could have given up again, but we managed to navigate this little shoe buying storm and by the end of the visit she didn't want to leave the shop. It may have taken an hour, but I guided her through an event which, to her, was frightening. She's delighted with her new shoes and I hope that next time she will remember that there is a reward at the end of the process. And did I buy her the tasteful brown pair with funky pink stitching? Did I heck. I went for the yucky purple patent flashy ones. They're for her, not me, and I respect her wishes.

Just think for a minute, and I bet you can come up with something parenting-related that you did this week that you're proud of. I'd love it if you told me in the comments, and it might just make you feel good too!

Do You Love Co-Sleeping?

2010-03-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

If you've been here before, you'll know I don't post product reviews and giveaways and I don't plug other websites just because they have asked me to. But I thought I'd make an exception for a co-sleeping essay competition that I was emailed about. If you love co-sleeping, and you love to tell everyone about it, then this could be for you.

A company called Humanity Organics has compiled a book of parents' positive co-sleeping experiences called Are You Co-Sleeping? Me Too!. They are looking to add a short introduction to each of the book's seven chapters and you, my friends, have the opportunity to write these introductions.

The good news is that if they pick you, you win a co-sleeping aid thingy. (By the way I checked it out, and it is not one of those baby positioner things that actually separate you from your baby. It is essentially a large, thick sheet with a roll of foam attached to one side so you can put it on your bed, lie on it and the foam stops the baby falling out of bed. Actually it looks like quite a good idea, and they are not giving me ANYTHING free to make me say that.)

Essays must be no more than 250 words long and should be on one of the following subjects:

1. Oppression or negativity you received (Mother-in-law, parents, media, doctors, general society).
2. How bed-sharing enriched your parenting experience.
3. How bed-sharing helped breastfeeding (extended duration, adverse physical limitations, etc.).
4. How they got better sleep.
5. A Dad's perspective, written by a Dad.
6. How it saved your child's life.
7. How you intended to use a crib, and chose not to.

The bad news is that you only have until 20th March. But since they only emailed me today, maybe they're short of entries! To enter you just write your essay and submit it here.

I'll take the "How you intended to use a crib and chose not to" one! Best of luck.

Thoughts on Childbirth

2010-03-11T07:03:00.001-08:00

I am sitting on front of "One Born Every Minute", a documentary series on childbirth. It's the first time I have seen it and I quite literally cannot watch the babies being born without crying. It was the same when I was pregnant; give me good births, bad births, high definition or grainy Youtube footage and I'll cry. I thought the crying might have stopped since I gave birth myself but it evidently hasn't.

I don't know how some ladies manage to watch birth video after birth video when they are pregnant. For me, they are just too loaded with emotion. Even having been there and done that once, it still scares the hell out of me. And I had a good experience! The day after I gave birth I thought "I want to do that again!", but 18 months later the fear has returned. How much did it hurt me? Did I make as much noise as the ladies on television? Did my labour hurt more or less than theirs? Would things go as well if I did it again? Would I breathe through my contractions more calmly or would I shout the house down all over again?

Television has also provided lots of birth footage via "Lambing Live", a bizarre show in which springy haired wildlife presenter Kate Humble delivers spring lambs live on air (if any sheep are cooperative enough to coincide their labours with the one hour broadcasting slot). What strikes me about this programme is how much the farmers know about natural birth. If things are progressing as normal, they leave the sheep alone to get on with her labour. When the lambs are born they place them in front of the sheep so she can lick them clean. They know how important it is for bonding that the lamb is given to its mum immediately after birth. They quietly watch on to check that suckling takes place soon after birth and they see it as essential that each lamb gets a bellyfull of colostrum before they go to sleep. If a lamb does not suckle spontaneously, they help it to latch on, and if that does not work then they milk the sheep and give the colostrum to her lamb through a feeding tube. Nursing is valued highly because it produces stronger, healthier lambs and is cheaper and less labour intensive than bottle feeding.

All of these practices are equally important in human births. But during the twentieth century we managed to convince ourselves that unnatural practices like keeping babies in hospital nurseries and formula feeding were beneficial. We went so far away from what is natural and instinctive that expensive academic research was required in order to persuade us that skin-to-skin contact is good, and mother's milk is far better than any artificial alternative. What a waste of time and money, when farmers could have set us straight all along!

Now be honest - do you cry at birth videos too? And are you as scared as me?

Photo from Independent.co.uk.

Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing

2010-03-02T05:40:00.000-08:00

You can be as convinced of the benefits of natural parenting as you like, but don't you sometimes have moments when you wonder if things really will turn out all right? When little worries about being different start to snowball into bigger worries, and you need a boost to make you feel good about your choices? I just read a book that has given me that shot in the arm I needed. It's called Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing an was written by a lady called Sheila Kippley back in the late 1960s.

I've written before about how I am concerned about my continuing infertility following childbirth. I gave birth 18 months ago and have yet to see the return of my periods. So I went looking for more information on breastfeeding amenorrhea (absence of menstruation) and found this book that was recommended by La Leche League.

The book did not give me any more information on the biological mechanisms that are keeping me in amenorrhea. But what it did brilliantly was reassure me that my experience is completely normal for a mother following the "seven standards of ecological breastfeeding". More than this, it reminded me, on almost every page, that I am doing a good thing by giving my time, my love and my milk without restriction to my daughter.

So what are the seven standards? They are:

Breastfeed exclusively for the first six months, giving no water, juice or food;

Allow your baby to suckle for comfort as well as nutrition and do not restrict its time at the breast;

Don't use bottles or dummies;

Sleep with your baby at night;

Lie down with your baby to get it to sleep for a nap during the day;

Nurse frequently day and night and do not schedule feedings;

Avoid separation from your baby.

This programme is 99% effective in avoiding pregnancy for the first six months postpartum. After this, there is a 6% chance that a nursing mother will become pregnant before having a period. When menstruation resumes, infertility may still persist for several months. Most women can expect to go without periods for some time between nine and twenty months postpartum.

The figure of 14.6 months as the average length of amenorrhea originates from this book, and actually refers to mothers who are following the seven standards. The actual time you spend without periods can vary according to your body chemistry, age (older women go longer) and how much your baby likes sucking. I am unintentionally following the seven standards, I am 31 and I have a high needs baby who really likes suckling, so I guess it's no wonder that I'm coming in a little above average.

A thing many natural parenting books suffer from is the need to constantly justify why natural practices are good. Nobody ever questioned Gina Ford as to why it was good for a baby to sleep through the night at 6 weeks, but it seems that extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping need to be explained repeatedly. This book gets around this problem very neatly because it is actually about child spacing. It basically says, "If you want as long as possible without periods, this is what you do. Oh and by the way, this is a really good way to bring up your child." Science justifies the advice, but experience shows that it is a wonderful way to meet a child's emotional and physical needs. A long amenorrhea is clearly nature's way of allowing a woman's body to prepare for the next pregnancy, while giving her child as much time as possible with its mother before it has to compete for attention with the next baby. Evolution has made us this way because it helps us to survive, and this in itself is a good justification for following a natural parenting approach.

The book made me realise how much our attitudes towards natural parenting have changed in 40 years, but also how far we still have to go until these healthy practices are fully accepted by society. Some bits are quite shocking, like doctors advising that babies should be given cereals at two weeks of age, and the author recalling how her breasts were bound tightly after birth. I am glad that breastfeeding in public has become a little more acceptable and that doctors now "allow" us to give birth naturally, but we still have a long way to go in convincing mothers that babies do not need food before six months and that breastfeeding beyond a year is a good idea.

What I did not like about the book was its Catholic undercurrent. I'm not religious and I don't buy a book on breastfeeding in order to be lectured about the evils of contraception. The religious bits could put a lot of people off the book, but I'm glad I read it because I've been walking about on a bit of a cloud of happiness ever since I picked it up. I'm happy because I know I'm not the first person to be totally attached to my baby, to breastfeed her to sleep every day and every night and to want to stay with her all the time. Even if I sometimes have a hard time explaining to other people why I bring up my baby like this, I know that lots of mums have done it before me and raved about it.

Forty years ago, mothers were saying exactly the same things about natural parenting as we are now, and that really comforts me and gives me a stronger conviction that I am doing the right thing after all.

Do you know what I mean about needing a boost every so often to convince you that you're doing the best for your child? Can you recommend a book that gave you the shot in the arm that you needed? Have you experienced a long amenorrhea? All comments gratefully received!

On Being A Parent

2010-02-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

Overheard: two mothers with babies, each around six months old, discussing teething.

Mother 1: "He's been waking up in the night, crying. I normally let him cry, but..." [said as if we would disapprove if she did not let him cry, that we would tell her it was her own fault that her baby was waking her up because she was not tough enough].

Mother 2: "Yeah, mine's always got her hands in her mouth".

Mother 1: "He was sick the other night. Not like baby sick, proper sausage and beans and everything."

Mother 2: "Oh yes, teething can do that."

Mother 1: "Yes, he was crying and crying and after half an hour it was totally doing my head in so I went in to him and there was all this sick everywhere."

Doesn't it make you sad? That in our therapy and psychoanalysis obsessed culture, we still think it is acceptable and even desirable to leave a baby to cry by itself for half an hour? I'm hardly going to jump down anyone's throat and tell them they're doing the wrong thing, because everyone does what they believe is right, but I happen to believe that leaving a six month old baby to cry itself to sleep in the middle of the night for half an hour is wholly unacceptable. It's a hangover from the austere Victorian era and it is high time that it stopped. What damage does it do to a child? I can't believe that it is harmless.

And while I'm on my soapbox, this weekend I read this slightly depressing article on packing your children off to "kids' clubs" when you go on holiday. The article's author even puts his five month old baby in the resort's nursery! A five month old? Poor little thing. Do you ever wonder why some people bothered having children in the first place, if all they want to do is pack them off to a nursery the minute they catch sight of a beach? Isn't the fun of being a family in doing family things, together, en famille? I guess holiday resort kids' clubs must float some people's boats, but when I was a child they would have been my worst nightmare. Strangely enough, I actually enjoyed doing things with my brother and my parents! And I shall certainly not be wasting any precious holiday time with Cave Baby by sticking her in some dodgy resort's nursery. No siree. We shall take our holidays as we take the rest of life - united as a family. I hope I can give her as many jolly holiday memories as my parents gave me.

OK, rant over for the day. I hope you weren't too enraged by my opinions but, as always, leave me a comment to tell me what your angle is.

When Life Happens To A Family Bed

2010-02-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

When we started co-sleeping, I wasn't so sure about the term "family bed". I thought it sounded a bit twee and nursery rhyme-ish. But I get it now. You know how sleep experts advise us to use our beds only for sleep and sex? Co-sleeping totally blows that out of the window. The bed has become a kind of hub for family life. I don't know why I bother to make it every morning - it's rarely straight for five hours before the first nursing session or nap gets it all messed up again.

The dirt that our family bed sees is in a totally different league to its pre-baby days. This weekend, when I changed our sheets, I calculated that those sheets, which had been on the bed for a fortnight, had been exposed to:

Soil. A walk at the park tires Cave Baby out and she usually crashes as soon as we get home. Hence, dirty feet in the bed.

Sand. Our local park has a massive sandpit. Cave Baby's favourite hobby is transporting handfuls of sand from the sandpit to the wobbly elephant thingy. As I said before, she usually goes to sleep as soon as we get home. Ergo, we have sand in the bed.

Wee. Sometimes her nappy is so soaked in the morning that a fresh pee leaks out the side. The sheets therefore have to absorb a modest amount of wee. Am I going to change the sheets every time this happens? No way. Poo is dirty, wee doesn't count.

Biscuit crumbs. I like it when Cave Father brings me a biscuit in the morning. So does my daughter. She is a much messier eater than me, however.

Breadcrumbs. Sometimes you're in the middle of a nice sandwich when you get the urge to climb on the bed. Do you know what I mean?

Sweat. We have all had a stomach flu type thing. We all had temperatures for a day or so, and we sweated a lot. Our trusty sheets took care of it though.

Milk. My breasts don't leak, but my baby sometimes goes to sleep in the middle of a full-blown nursing session so there is sometimes a little milk still leaving my nipples as she unlatches.

Saliva. Hey, we all dribble when we're sleeping. If you say you don't, you're lying. At least baby dribble smells a lot sweeter than mine though.

Isn't that a lovely list? Doesn't it make you glad that I shower in the morning? Although this list might seem appalling to childless couples, I suspect that anyone with a baby in their bed will be nodding their heads in recognition. By the way, I am quite clean. I change the sheets every fortnight. But life's too short to wash them every time they see a bit of life. Isn't it?

So what I want to know is, what life does your family bed see?

Busier, More Popular, Nicer, Richer, Thinner etc

2010-02-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

Just got to get this out while it's on my mind: I must stop comparing myself to other people so much! It's like a disease that eats away at the mind and it never has a positive outcome. I am never good enough.

I don't know where this tendency comes from, but I think a lot of people suffer from it. Whatever company I'm in, I always find some way in which I do not measure up. One morning I might be at a meeting for a voluntary organisation; following the meeting I will feel like I didn't take on enough responsibility or assert myself enough. Another day I might be chatting to breastfeeding mothers at a support group; after the group I will feel like I didn't fit in well enough. On another day I might meet up with some slinging, cloth-nappying attachment parenting mums; afterwards I will feel like I'm "not AP enough" because I don't do cloth nappies or elimination communication or some other such activity. I can even find fault with myself on a visit to the park: maybe I don't look good enough, or I'm not attentive enough to my daughter, or I'm on my own so I feel like I must look like an outcast.

Yet at the end of the day, I'm happy with how my life is. I don't want to take on more responsibilities, because they stress me out. I don't want to overburden myself with tasks because the whole point of staying at home with my daughter is to give her my time and attention. I don't want to get bogged down in so-and-so's parenting ideology because I do what I do because it works for me. I am friends with people that I want to spend time with; I don't waste my time with hollow meaningless relationships. And I enjoy spending time on my own, or with just my daughter: if I am too busy, I long for these quiet days.

So I actually don't want to change who I am in any way; I am, for once, content with how I look and behave. In fact the only thing I would change about me is this infernal voice in my head that is constantly telling me I'm not as worthy as someone else.

Dolphins Nurse and Carry Their Babies, Just Like Us

2010-02-09T05:39:00.001-08:00

Dolphins are incredible, intelligent animals - more intelligent than chimpanzees, according to some scientists. They are also mammals, which means they must give birth to immature, helpless calves and nurse them until they can fend for themselves. The mammals of the sea might seem very different from us, but the differences are not so huge when you look closely at the ways they look after their young.

A few weeks ago I wrote about dolphins' births, and how they are sometimes attended and assisted by close relatives of the mother. In this post I am looking at how dolphins nurse and carry their young.

Dolphins breastfeed their babies for around two to three years. The mother usually weans her calf when she is pregnant with a subsequent baby, but a calf has been observed nursing up to the age of ten. Like other intelligent mammals, the mother-baby bond seems to be very important and mothers only leave their calves when they need to find food. Even when they are apart, they use sound and echo-location to remain in touch.

Dolphins do not have protruding mammary glands like primates, but evolution has found a way for them to breastfeed and remain streamlined in the water. The mother's nipples are hidden within slits on her belly. A baby dolphin must locate the nipples and latch on with its mouth, forming a tight seal that prevents any salt water from mixing with the milk. Dolphins obviously need to go to the surface to breathe, so a mother helps her newborn baby by lying on her side near the surface so that the calf can feed safely, close to an air supply. As the calf gets older, it is able to find the nipple without such assistance.

The act of releasing the milk, which we call let-down in humans, is under the voluntary control of the mother dolphin. The milk is richer and fattier then human milk, meaning that dolphin calves do not need to spend as much time feeding as human babies. Newborn calves feed around four times per hour but each session lasts for a matter of seconds rather than minutes.

Infant carrying is seen in all land-dwelling primates, and ocean-dwelling manatees and sea-otters also physically carry their young in the water. So it is no surprise that dolphins have evolved a method of "carrying" their offspring. When the babies are very young, the mother-calf pairs swim in "echelon" position with the young dolphin by its mother's side. It is thought that the flow of water around the pair's body creates pressure that keeps the infant close to its mother and helps to propel it along in the water. Older calves swim in "infant" position below their mothers where they have better access to the nipples and are possibly given more protection from predators.

I think it's astounding how many similarities there are between the ways dolphins care for their young and what we humans do. As I wrote last time, we both have assistants attending childbirth (at least some of the time) and, if we are behaving as biology intends, we nurse our babies for similar lengths of time. For the majority of the global population, baby carrying is the normal method to transport a human infant. And though they do not have arms and legs, dolphins also have a way to carry their young. Most importantly, we both form close mother-infant bonds that last many years before a youngster is ready to leave the care of its immediate family.

Although we walk on land and dolphins swim in the sea, there are clearly many behaviours that bind us together.

Stories and Songs Meme

2010-02-07T05:39:00.000-08:00

Is there a special song that whisks you right out of the present and sends you back to a memorable time in your life? I was tagged by A Mother's Ramblings to take on this meme, so here is my song.

I had to think long and hard about this one. So many songs have formed a soundtrack to my life, from the Stones and Cliff Richard when I was a child, through Kylie Minogue when I was learning what music was, through R.E.M., James and The Velvet Underground in my teens, David Bowie and The Smiths when I was at university, and finally to Nick Cave and John Cale at present. But a song that conjures up a particular moment to me is (and you're not going to like this)... Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive".

It was the end of a long, hot dusty day almost seven years ago. Cave Father and I were on our first trip away together, travelling around California and Nevada by crap rental car, and we were just on our way back to Vegas after visiting the Grand Canyon. We were tired from so much driving and it was dark, and I was feeling a little mournful. The choice of radio stations in the middle of the desert is not that great and we were stuck with a typical country rock station when "Wanted Dead or Alive" came on. After exclaiming his disgust at the lameness of the record, Cave Father (to be) proceeded to sing the entire song to himself under his breath. I watched him from the passenger seat, staring at the road and singing in deep, deep gravel tones. But his voice was so human and sweet and gorgeous, I just sat there in the dark silently swooning, and that was the first moment when I thought, "God, I really love this man". And though I've never even told him about this moment, I still remember it whenever I hear that bad, cliched, but somehow perfect song.

So there you go. Feel free to play along if you wish, and by all means leave a message to indicate that you have done so (I'll stick a link to you as well).

With Nipples Aflame

2010-01-31T01:44:00.000-08:00

Have your nipples ever turned blue? Have they ever felt like they were burning from within? Have you ever had such intense nipple pain that you were unable to concentrate on anything except crossing your arms over your breasts to protect them?

Have you heard of Raynaud's phenomenon?

I suffered from Raynaud's for years, without realising what it was. I can recall one occasion when I was standing in London waiting for a coach, feverish with the start of flu and with nipples that burned so intensely that all I could do was walk round and round in circles with my arms wrapped around my chest to distract myself from the pain.

It's caused by cold, you see. Many are the times I have been found kneeling on the floor with my chest pressed up to a radiator in an effort to warm my breasts up and stop my nipples from screaming at me. I remember my grandad showing me his white, bloodless fingers when he went out in the cold, and that was also Raynaud's.

The Wikipedia entry for Raynaud's phenomenon says that it can cause discolouration of the "fingers, toes and other extremities". I guess my nipples come under "other extremities". It is caused by constriction of the blood vessels delivering oxygen to the affected part, and can be triggered by stress, cold and... you guessed it... breastfeeding. If you're sensitive to strange images of nipples, then look away now. But here, courtesy of Better Health's Weird Medical Problem of the Week, comes a picture of the bizarre colour changes that occur when a nipple undergoes an attack of Reynaud's:

If you're wondering, that's white, then cold, cold blue, then finally red as the blood flow returns to the nipple.

It seems that some women experience Raynaud's during and/or after breastfeeding. It can be confused with the pain caused by a poor latch, so may often go undiagnosed. I have been one of the lucky ones; I have not experienced the condition since giving birth, though it had worsened during my pregnancy. It could be that childbirth and breastfeeding have cured it, or it could return in the future. Maybe I'm not suffering because we are heating the house more generously than we did pre-baby.

Raynaud's probably affects loads of people, but it is not serious enough to warrant investigation or treatment and hence it remains fairly unknown. Medications to relieve it are available, but knowing what causes it and avoiding the triggers are probably the most sensible courses of action.

Has your breastfeeding been affected by any bizarre disorders? I hope not, but leave a comment if it has! And if you've not experienced Raynaud's, I hope you enjoyed the picture anyway!

Toddler Nursing Guest Post At Hobo Mama

2010-01-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

My first ever guest post is now up at Hobo Mama's blog. It's about toddler nursing and it's called It's Not About The Milk. If you've ever nursed a toddler, you'll know exactly what I mean. Please read it!

Missing: Period

2010-01-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

If you're looking for a discussion on the finer points of sentence completion, you're going to be disappointed. No, I'm talking about that icky subject that we don't always like to discuss in polite company: menstruation.

The thing is, I just can't help wondering when my periods are going to start again. I have had none since I gave birth sixteen and a half months ago, apart from a couple of tiny, tiny bleeds (too small to even rank as "spotting") that occurred a couple of months ago.

Don't get me wrong - I am enjoying the break from the monthly bleeding. It's a great side effect of breastfeeding. But I am also starting to get a little anxious for them to return, just to give me a sign that my body is all back to normal, working properly and ready to make another baby if and when I want to.

Maybe that's the thing - my body isn't ready to make another baby. I tend to think that the human body is a lot cleverer than we think it is, and that the delayed return of menstruation is precisely to prevent us from creating another life that we are not ready to support. Things have undoubtedly been tough since Cave Baby was born. I have missed out on a lot of sleep, I have been stressed, anxious and jumpy and I have rarely been able to physically rest my body. She is, in most respects, a "high needs" child. And at the end of last year I was ill to the extent that my GP thought I might have cancer (which I don't have, I don't think. At least not in my colon. Don't worry about this admission). So is my body perhaps withholding my periods to give me time to recover?

But on the other hand, I seem to be generally healthy. I am sleeping better now, I am always well nourished and I get plenty of gentle exercise each day. I don't smoke and I drink a little wine. Before getting pregnant I always had regular periods - not exactly every 28 days, but never with a gap of more than five weeks between them. Since I have never suffered from bad PMS or period pains, I don't dread the return of menstruation like some women do.

On average, a night-and-day on-demand breastfeeding mother's periods return at 14.6 months. That makes me two months longer than average already. I'm really interested in any other mothers' experiences, and particularly whether you think that your body delayed menstruation longer as a result of your child being a lot of work. Should I just trust that my body knows what it's doing? Should I put it down to co-sleeping and frequent breastfeeding? Should I just enjoy the time off periods?

Dolphins Are Midwives Too

2010-01-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

Dolphin researchers have recently claimed that dolphins should be considered the second most intelligent animals on earth, second to humans but ahead of chimpanzees. That means that dolphins have a rich and complex social life complete with culture, learning and tradition.

The underwater world is so foreign to us humans that I find it hard to imagine what a dolphin's life must be like. But we share so may of our childrearing practices with land-bound apes that I wondered if we would also have methods in common with dolphins. I'm interested in birth, breastfeeding, weaning, infant transport and any other facts about infant care that I can lay my hands on. So, to start at the beginning, I found some information about how dolphins birth their babies.

After a twelve month gestation, dolphins give birth in the water. The fluids released during labour are attractive to predators and put the mother at risk, so the birth is usually attended by several other dolphins who may well be members of the same family. These doula dolphins are putting themselves at risk by attending the birth, but the calf will also carry their genes, so the practice carries an overall evolutionary advantage.

The baby dolphin's tail is born first so that there is less danger of the calf drowning during the birth process. The removal of the newborn calf from the mother's body may actually be assisted by one female midwife dolphin; the practice has been observed in captivity, and stillborn dolphins with teeth marks in their bodies have been found washed up on beaches.

Following the birth, the umbilical cord snaps easily so the new dolphin's movement is not restricted. Calves are able to swim on their own within minutes of birth and will normally make their own way to the surface to breathe. If this does not happen, some dolphin mothers have been observed moving their calves to the surface.

Dolphins do not just make great midwives for members of their own species; they can actually assist at human births too. A Russian male midwife called Igor Charkovsky has helped pregnant women to give birth underwater in the Black Sea aided by dolphins. The animals are reputedly very gentle with human infants and they grant a sense of calm to both the human mother and her baby. Dolphin-attended waterbirths are also said to occur privately in Hawaii.

The sophistication of dolphin birthing practices has taken my breath away. Come back in a week or so if you would like to know more about how dolphins feed, carry and look after their young.

Photos: The Best Photos

What Would An Inuit Mother Do?

2010-01-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

It sure is snowy around here. We've got ten inches sitting in the back garden and more forecast over the weekend. Pushing a buggy is impossible unless a snowplough precedes you. But what do the Inuit do in such conditions?

Oh I see, they babywear! It works for people the world over, and it's working great for me too. Carrying my daughter in a backpack is allowing us both to get out in the gorgeous snowy outdoors and we even help to keep each other warm. I admit that I fell on my bum a few days ago, but with her legs tucked either side of my body she was completely safe.

And just because I love snow, here's a snow picture taken in our local park:

Happy New Year to everyone.

A Mother's Christmas

2009-12-20T03:41:00.000-08:00

Welcome, Carnival of Breastfeeding readers! December's carnival is all about keeping healthy during the festive period and there are (or shortly will be) links to the other wonderful posts at the bottom of this one. Enjoy reading them, and have a lovely Christmas time.

Christmas is a time for families to be together. We have always made an effort to spend time with our parents, brothers and sisters at Christmas, even if it meant that by the end of the holidays we were more exhausted than at the beginning.

Things were no different last year. I had a four month old baby, breastfeeding most of the time and waking me up at least every couple of hours through the night (in fact every hour is probably more accurate). But in those early days of motherhood I still believed that I should be trying to have it all. Yes, I should be taking it easy and spending lots of time nursing my baby, but I should also be cooking fantastic Christmas meals, hosting family at my house, making mince pies, buying gifts for everyone and generally being the life and soul of the party. So, as usual, we arranged a punishing Christmas schedule that would allow us to be all things to all men, as is expected at Christmas. We spent the big day and Boxing Day with my parents, then Cave Father's parents arrived to stay at our house; on the 28th we hosted a party for all the family, and the following days we continued to wait on our house guests.

It was about as far from "fun and relaxing" as you can get. We ended up absolutely exhausted, and Christmas felt more like an ordeal than a pleasure. Instead of enjoying ourselves, we longed for the time when our parents would go home and we could spend some time alone with our baby.

So we are determined that things will be different this year. But if we believe that Christmas is a family time, how can we balance our needs with the needs of our relatives?

Family means more than grandparents, aunts and uncles. Though it sounds strange to my ears, my partner, my daughter and I are a family unit now. Our family bonds needs nourishing, just like the bonds with our extended family. It is too much to expect a new mother to play host to her relatives as well as breastfeeding and caring for a baby. That is just a recipe for illness. So this year we are going to concentrate on nourishing the relationships within our tiny family. We are going to spend Christmas Day at home, cooking a small but (hopefully) perfectly formed Christmas dinner and going a bracing walk with Cave Baby in the backpack. We are going to visit my parents, but not push ourselves too hard by staying the night. We are going to see Cave Father's relatives at New Year, when there is less pressure to conjure up forced Christmas cheer. Above all we are going to put ourselves first for a change - not in a selfish way, but in a "we really just need a break" way. And we are even hoping that (whisper it) Cave Father and I might be able to have sex! Just think of it! After weeks of illness, colds, teething and worry, there has been precious little romance around here.

So here is my recipe for a new mother's healthy Christmas time. See your family, but let them do the cooking. Have guests, but only the ones who will help out around the house and won't complain about you sitting on the sofa breastfeeding all day. Space out the festive activities with luxurious time at home spent enjoying the family that you work so hard for all year.

Most importantly, make sure you make time for your baby and your partner, because the closest bonds are sometimes the ones that get forgotten at this family time.

Happy Christmas.

Photo from Daily Mail.

And while you're here, why not have a look at the other carnival posts:

Mama Knows Breast: A Breastfeeding Poem: Twas the Breastfeeder's Nighttime
Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: Don't Forget the Pump!
Blisstree.com's Breastfeeding 1-2-3: Breastfeeding and Dehydration
Accidental Pharmacist: Motherhood Statement
Hobo Mama: Breastfeeding and the holidays: How to take care of yourself
Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: Taking Care of Yourself and Your Baby During the Holidays
Breastfeeding Moms Unite: Caring for a High Needs Baby During the Holidays
Breastfeeding Mums: Looking After Yourself During the Holidays: 7 Tips for Breastfeeding Mothers
Mommy News & Views: The Holidays And Being A Breastfeeding Mom
Happy Bambino's Blog: How to Take Care of Ourselves During the Holidays
The Adventures of Lactating Girl: Breastfeeding and Holidays

What Happened To My Breasts?

2009-12-17T05:42:00.000-08:00

Things are confusing around here. There is Christmas, and a tree, and shiny decorations, mince pies and mulled wine. There is also the prospect of a life affected by Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis. These two things do not go together, and my brain is struggling to cope. So I will use that time-honoured technique to cope with something that upsets me: talk about something else.

So, in other news, something strange has happened to my breasts. They used to be round, fleshy, not quite the same size, a bit saggy, but perfectly serviceable. You know, I had no complaints. Then pregnancy happened and they got bigger, but not stupidly big, and that was interesting. They got a bit smaller as I lost weight post-pregnancy but I am still breastfeeding so they have maintained a certain modest size. And I was pretty happy that my body had been through all that with nary a stretch mark in sight.. but then, the other day, I noticed something a bit disturbing. You see, my boobs might look fine most of the time but the skin has lost a certain elasticity. Remember the "pinch the back of the hand" test you used to do at school to see how youthful your skin was? Well my boobs would now fail. What happens is, if the skin stretches a bit (say, I lie down to feed my daughter and I let my boob flop down towards the bed) and then unstretches (say, I put the breast back in my bra) then the skin does not spring back to its previous state. No, it goes wrinkly. For a few minutes I have crepe paper cleavage. It's not a good look.

But come on, this is me writing. I'm not going to complain about the loss of my youthful skin stretchiness. I'm going to celebrate the work that my body has done, and will hopefully continue to do for more babies (just like these women). And apart from this unfortunate development, my body seems to have come through pregnancy and birth pretty unscathed.

Is it rude to ask whether your boobs are wrinkly as well? Hey, it probably is, but this is my blog and I can write what I like. So, go on, tell me what lasting effects of pregnancy and birth your body has sustained.

Thoughts On Weaning

2009-12-11T05:21:00.000-08:00

In my last post I discussed how upset I was when my doctor told me I might have to wean my fifteen month old baby to allow me to take medication. One thing that really came through to me from the comments was the wide range of emotions that people have in relation to weaning.

Some comments implied that I would feel guilty about weaning; others simply that I would be sad. In reality, my anxiety stems from the prospect of changing the whole manner in which we look after our daughter: weaning would mean changing the way we sleep; the way we achieve calm after upsets; even the way we chill out when both of us need a little break.

For me, guilt doesn't come into it. I know my daughter has had a great start, and I know that she could manage perfectly well without any more breastmilk. I really hope that other people are not made to feel guilty when they wean. I believe that babies deserve to be nursed for as long as their mothers can manage, and after that they should be weaned with love and patience. For many people, modern life just isn't compatible with long term breastfeeding. Sometimes you just have to wean. Maybe you're going back to work, going on to medication or having another baby. Maybe you just want your breasts back. If it's a good enough reason to wean then you shouldn't be feeling guilty. Let's face it, if you choose to wean off the breast at six months, your baby will have been receiving breastmilk for longer than 97% of the babies born in Britain. You can't feel too bad about that.

Though I wouldn't feel guilty about weaning at fifteen months, I can't say that I feel a great sense of pride for making it this far. I have had it so ridiculously easy. It is the people who have battled cracked nipples, thrush, mastitis and pumping regimes that should feel proud - I just happen to have a baby who loves breastfeeding. I feel a bit uncomfortable when people congratulate me for nursing for this long. I've not done anything special. All I have done is what nearly every mother in the history of mankind has done.

Before I finish, there's just one caveat I have to put on this "Weaning is OK" message. I have never understood why breastfeeding mothers feel the need to replace their milk with formula at a certain age (often six months). They don't wean their babies off milk per se, but for some reason they think that their babies are too old to breastfeed. I watched several people with babies the same age as mine go through this, and I never figured out why they did it. Why spend money on powdered milk when the stuff that comes free out of your breasts is much better? Well OK, I think I know the reason really - they have read too many books that say you need to get babies off the breast early before they get used to it. God, don't you just hate western parenting "experts"?

All this is academic, because we are not weaning. But I would hate anyone to think that I disapprove of other people's decisions to wean, just because we have chosen to continue breastfeeding for an extended (or shall we say natural) length of time.

I Never Knew What Nursing Meant To Me...

2009-12-08T12:59:00.001-08:00

...until I was told, today, that I might have to wean my baby.

It turns out that the digestive problems I have been having are something more serious than Irritable Bowel Syndrome after all, and a series of unpleasant tests and investigations will shortly be inflicted upon me to determine what is really the problem.

"If it is Inflammatory Bowel Disease, what's the treatment?," I asked.

"Well you can take medication, but you would have to stop the breastfeeding."

Oh thanks. To make matters worse, if they could be (and believe me, they could be really bad), I was then told that I was "making a rod for my own back" by co-sleeping and still breastfeeding at 15 months. Oh, the old classic line. First time anyone's actually said it to me - I suppose it had to happen sometime.

I know I should have been upset by the diagnosis (or lack of it) but what really cut me to the core was the prospect of having to wean my baby for a disease that doesn't even seem to affect me more than once a month or so (touch wood). This was what had me crying all day. I can't do that to my baby. It's just not what I want. I suppose I have got so used to the idea that we will be nursing for years yet and that I might even be tandem nursing a new baby one day. It all came crashing down in one horrible moment.

But since I have trained as a Breastfeeding Peer Supporter I have learnt a thing or two about breastfeeding and one thing I know is that lots of medications that doctors say can't be taken during breastfeeding actually can be taken. A cursory bit of internet research has revealed that sufferers of Crohn's disease and Ulcerative Colitis can have babies and can breastfeed, even when taking their medications (by the way, if you're reading this for information, please don't take what I'm saying as gospel. Research it further and if possible, ask a Lactation Consultant for advice).

What a fucking horrible day. All I can say is, at least I'm going to be able to sleep knowing that I probably won't have to wean. I say probably.

Self-Pity-A-Thon

2009-12-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

Why are we the only family in the restaurant whose baby refuses to sit in a highchair for any longer than the exact time it takes to stuff down a dozen pieces of pasta, then insists on walking around the floor while her mother's dinner goes cold?

Am I the only mum whose baby wakes up coughing every five minutes?

Am I the only breastfeeding mother who occasionally feels like a walking dummy and is sometimes expected to get her boobs out every fifteen minutes, all day?

Am I the only mum who has had literally no time to herself for an entire week?

Does everyone find it this hard?

Unnecessary Doulas?

2009-12-03T04:28:00.000-08:00

There was an interesting article on doulas in The Telegraph yesterday: Doulas jeopardise care?.

The crux of the article is that doulas could interfere with medical decision making in a negative way. But, to be fair to Dr Chakladar, the author of a piece in the British Medical Journal online, the popularity of doulas in the UK may be a result of the decline in one-to-one mudwifery care. He says it very well, so I'll just quote him:

"This trend may be a sad reflection of failures in the delivery of medical and midwifery care, a sticking plaster concealing greater problems. Availability of this commercial service indicates that current social structures do not support pregnant couples adequately; healthcare professionals may not be able to support their patients as they would like to.

"Are we no longer able to make common sense decisions without asking a hired friend?

"Traditionally, emotional support came from female relatives; more recently the modern father has stepped into this role. Partners, friends, and family—those who know the mother best—should provide this support.

"Sadly, this position cannot withstand chronic understaffing, shift work, midwifery care that is less than one to one, and European working time directives, making continuity of care impossible. Nor can it withstand single parenthood and increasingly detached nuclear families."

Here's my point of view. I wouldn't want a doula because I would prefer to have people I really know supporting me, not someone I had only met a few times. I had a home birth partly so I could guarantee one-to-one attention from a midwife, and partly to minimise the interference from doctors. I am very wary of obstetricians (who I imagine, very unrealistically, to be bloodthirsty butchers wielding forceps and calling for epidurals and c-sections at any opportunity). I am also fairly confident that if there was an emergency, my parter would properly represent my views to medical staff (and there was no stage during my labour when I was so out of it that I couldn't talk to the midwife anyway). Also, I'm tight. I'm not going to pay someone when I know most people manage without a doula (though I do wish I had a close female friend who I trusted enough to be present at a birth, as women have done for millenia).

But if I felt that my wishes would not be respected - perhaps if I was a teenage mum, or if my partner was not supportive - and if having a doula would help me feel more confident about giving birth, then where's the harm? One of my friends has felt 100% more confident about the upcoming birth of her second baby since she she has hired a doula.

There's one thing to remember though. Doulas aren't midwives. They offer moral support but not clinical expertise. We must not confuse the two things.

Carrying Quandary

2009-12-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

So, carried babies are supposed to prefer slings to pushchairs, right? They reject the remote machine-like trolley in favour of the warm, loving, organic sling? My faith in this principle has, I admit, been a little shaken.

I have had a poorly tummy for a couple of weeks and when I became well enough to go out with Cave Baby, I still didn't fancy having the not inconsiderable weight of an almost-fifteen-month-old baby bearing down on my back. So, with some hesitation, I dusted off our pushchair and strapped her into it. Now, this was not something I did lightly - in fact I think my ears were still ringing with her anguished cries from the day, almost a year ago, when I took her into town shopping in her pushchair. God, it was an awful day. I walked up and down streets to get her to sleep (it didn't work), I fed her numerous times, I changed her nappy. Nothing stopped her crying. I came to the conclusion, all that time ago, that she just hated being so remote from me, and I carried her everywhere from that day on.

Fast forward a year and I have still resisted using a pushchair, even though she is approaching 24lbs. So when it was time to take the plunge, you can imagine my surprise when it quickly became clear that she was having a whale of a time. She waved at people, said "Boof" to dogs and didn't complain, not even once. After a few pushchair trips she seems to have become an enthusiastic convert, even going so far as to walk me into the dining room, point at the pushchair and say "That" in a way that leaves me in no doubt as to what she wants. A part of me is screaming "But what about your principles?" every time I take her out in it, whilst another part is just glad to have a rest from carrying her. I can't believe that after all I have said about the benefits of babywearing, I end up with a baby who prefers to be pushed!

If I had written this yesterday, the tale would have ended there, but this morning my baby was feeling poorly and I had to go out to run an errand with her. I took her in the pushchair thinking she might enjoy it, but it was only 20 minutes before she was complaining and asking to be carried. So, my little prercious, I think I understand things a little better now. When you are feeling well and full of energy, you like the novelty and independence of being pushed. But when you're a little bit under the weather and you want some mothering, you want to return to the safety of the sling. Ah, I feel vindicated after all.

Babywearing rocks but sometimes the pushchair is going to have to come out, if only for novelty value. I hope that it is the closeness that my baby has experienced over her first fifteen months that has given her the confidence to be a little further away from me now.

Pain Hammered My Blog

2009-11-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

I find these "why I haven't posted in a while" posts a bit self-important. Does anyone really mind if I take a bit of time out? Of course not. But anyway, despite my reservations, here is one of those very posts.

I've been ill for a whole week. I'll spare you the details, but it started with me scratching at the door of A&E to get some pain relief from my stabbing abdomen, had an unbelievably uncomfortable middle phase where I was carrying more trapped wind than I thought possible, and is finishing (hopefully) with constant abdominal cramps and a fear of travelling too far from a toilet.

I've had similar attacks before so I'm going to try to take it really easy for a bit. If it is IBS then it is obviously related to stress and I need to keep that out of my life as much as possible. In other words, I'm going to try putting the kettle on and sitting back instead of diving for the computer the minute my daughter falls asleep. Maybe I'll post once a week for a while. Whatever. I thank anyone for reading, and I am sure nobody is particularly bothered how frequently I write!

In other (good) news, Cave Baby is walking really confidently on her own now. Although everybody had warned me that I would never be able to sit down again, I am in fact finding that things are much more restful than the last six weeks when I had been holding her hand ALL DAY. Walking seems to have brought slightly better sleep and a new found independence, both things that I am incredibly grateful for.

So, to rest and relaxation. A bientot.

A Bit Of Blog Lurrrrve

2009-11-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

I have never done a blog love post before, so it is high time for one. I have written before about my lack of time and I don't get as many chances as I would like to read and comment on other blogs. Most days I have to choose whether to spend my free hour writing a post, reading and commenting on others, writing something else that I am working on or doing the washing up. But the truth is I do read most of the posts of the blogs I have linked to in the column on the right, and some posts from other blogs that I've discovered more recently.

I don't really like saying which are my favourites, because I like them all for different reasons. But in the interests of not sitting on the fence any longer, here are my current absolute faves:

Breastfeeding Moms Unite
Hobo Mama
This Is Worthwhile
Honest To Betsy
The Feminist Breeder

(Please don't be offended if I read your blog and I haven't put you on the list - you know how it is, as time goes by we become complacent. I love you really.)

And here are a few newly discovered ones that I am also loving:

Mummy Zen
Massachusetts Friends of Midwives (odd title, great blog)
Babyfingers
Global Mamas
But I Digress (she's recently had a baby -congrats)
Global Mamas
Fighting Off Frumpy (this is a really funny blog)
Motherhood Moments

And to anyone who has ever linked to my site, I just want to say a great big thank you. I am a soft-hearted sentimental girl and I am always totally chuffed whenever I get a new subscriber or linker! Huge thanks also to anyone who reads or comments on this blog. I really appreciate the fact that you bother to pay me a visit - you make a little corner of my life a lot more interesting.

Enough of the mushy stuff now - back to normal service in a few days.

Difficult Babies and How To Cope With Them

2009-11-11T05:06:00.001-08:00

What a promising title for a post! If only there was truly a one-size-fits-all solution to coping with life with a challenging baby.

"Difficult babies" is the top Google search term that brings visitors to this site. So, if you're visiting from Google, welcome. You've come to the right place - I've certainly learnt a thing or two about difficult babies over the last year and a bit.

First of all, let's get a bit of semantics out of the way. "Difficult" makes it sound as if the baby is deliberately trying to annoy you. Some people prefer "challenging" or "spirited". The most official sounding term is "high needs". I like this one because it states quite plainly that the baby is not manipulating you - it has needs. And high ones. It can't help this. It's not the baby's fault and it's not the parents fault. You haven't done anything wrong to make your baby the way it is. It's time to accept the baby's needs and do your best to meet them.

So what is a difficult baby? My little one had all the following endearing traits as a tiny baby:

Never sleeping for more than an hour or so at night

Not napping for more than twenty minutes during the day, unless she was in the pram or being carried in a sling

Crying for hours on end every evening because she was overtired from not getting enough sleep

Wanting my nipple in her mouth all the time (OK, this is normal for all newborns)

Waking up without fail if I ever tried to put her down in her moses basket

Crying if she was ever put down in her bouncy chair

Crying if her pram stopped moving

Never being content to just sit and watch what was going on around her - needing movement all the time.

I could go on but I think you get the idea of what it is like to have a high needs baby. And if you have Googled "difficult babies", it is highly likely that you are sitting with one right in front of you (or perhaps even latched on to your nipple) and hoping that someone, somewhere is going to be able to help you figure out how to survive this nightmare.

I spent many hours searching the web and the bookshelves for answers. Nothing anybody had written seemed to apply to my baby - she just didn't do what the books said she was supposed to. Reading general parenting forums can be an exquisitely depressing experience for the parent of a high needs baby because everyone else's babies sound so easy (even though their parents still complain about them).

I can't really offer answers, because every baby is different and every parent is different. All I can do is tell you what worked for me, and that was dealing with night-time by taking my baby to bed with me, and buying a sling so that I could easily walk about with my baby during the day.

If, like thousands and thousands of parents of high needs babies, you have found that co-sleeping is the only way you can cope with your baby's fretful sleeping then I just want to say to you: it's OK. You are not making a rod for your own back. Believe it or not, plenty of people do it out of choice. Provided that you follow some basic safety advice you are not putting your baby in any undue danger. You can transition your baby to a cot after as little as six months if you want. Or you might end up liking your night-time cuddles, and sticking with it for a year or two. And you know what else? You will still be able to have sex with your partner even if you co-sleep.

Slings are really helpful for high needs babies. If you wear your baby in the house you can get on with jobs you need to do whilst providing the baby with the movement it needs to calm and soothe it. I love my ring sling because it is great for breastfeeding in, but lots of mums use stretchy wraps like the Moby because they are so comfortable.

As your baby gets older, you will learn what works for it. Maybe it loves being outdoors, in which case a walk in the morning might be just enough to keep it happy for a couple of hours. Perhaps it loves the company of other babies. Getting out to baby groups is the best way of relieving the tension of being stuck at home with a moany baby. And please don't worry that your baby will be the only one crying its head off at the group: babies cry. Everyone understands that. It doesn't reflect badly on you as a mother.

My daughter is 14 months old and I can't say that she has become easy. But things have improved, albeit very slowly. As her personality began to emerge, I fell in love with her for the person she was. I cannot imagine her being in any way different, and I honestly would not change her spirited ways for anything else. Who wants one of those boring babies that lie around staring at the ceiling? You have been chosen to parent one of the bright shining star babies. Accept it and make the most of it. Read the Dr Sears website, where they really understand all about difficult babies. Join an attachment parenting forum where you will find loads of parents of high needs children. Do what you have to do each day and don't worry about anything anyone else says. Anything that makes you and your baby happy is the right thing to do.

Ultimately, we have to learn to trust our babies and accept that their crying and fussiness indicates that they need something - and love and attention is just as valid a need as hunger. You may even begin to suspect that all babies share these needs, but the "difficult" ones are just a lot more determined to make themselves heard. My final consolation is that just because your baby is difficult now does not mean that it will be a tantrumming toddler or a troublesome teenager. In fact it may be the extra love and care that you give it now, as a baby, that helps it to grow up into a confident and happy child.

Baby, How You Make My Heart Melt

2009-11-08T05:48:00.001-08:00

Five things that make me smile, laugh or feel so proud:

1. You know when you hum and run a finger up and down over your lips to make a sort of "Wibble" sound? Cave Baby loves doing that. And she has a rapidly developing repertoire of "Iggle" and "Diddle" sounds. If you didn't know better, you really would think she was having a real conversation from the range of noises she makes.

2. Have wet hands? Then wash your face! It doesn't matter whether they are wet from splashing in the cat's water bowl or being rubbed in spilt orange squash - that face has to be cleaned.

3. "Boof boof", her version of "woof", when she sees a dog. How cute. She even has a version of "Moo" that she trots out for cows, horses and any other large four legged animal. Have you ever thought about how difficult it must be to differentiate between a brown cow and a brown horse?

4. The cutest grimace/smile ever. It's a sort of screwed-up-face/teeth-bared kind of expression and it is doled out without restriction to anyone who flashes her a smile. Random strangers are always telling me what a lovely happy smiley baby she is - they probably say it to everyone, but it still makes me feel special.

5. Cleaning. Give her a wet wipe, tissue or cloth, and prepare to watch while she wipes everything in sight for the next half an hour. Nothing makes her happier. She may in fact be a girl after my own heart.

I could go on for ages, but five is enough for now. What makes your heart melt?

Premature Babies and Co-Sleeping: Would You Do It?

2009-11-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

A recent comment on another post set me off wondering about whether I would co-sleep with a baby that was born prematurely.

The standard advice is always to not co-sleep with a premature infant, but if you were a strong believer in the benefits of bed-sharing and your baby is healthy, I am not sure whether this advice would be enough to convince you not to do it. Personally, I think I would co-sleep with a baby that was born only a few weeks short of term and was otherwise doing well.

Advice on the web is fairly thin on the ground because most sources stick to the usual co-sleeping recommendations without discussing the reasoning behind them. However the benefits of skin-to-skin contact and frequent breastfeeding for premature babies are well established, and as a result kangaroo care is routinely used in neonatal intensive care units. It would seem that co-sleeping would offer a method for parents to continue this close care at night, and it has certainly been demonstrated by researchers that bedsharing does increase night-time breastfeeding. The other benefits of bedsharing (more stable temperatures, more regular heart rhythms and fewer pauses in breathing) would presumably still be present when co-sleeping with a premature baby. A study in Biological Research for Nursing shows that co-sleeping helps to establish a premature baby's circadian rhythm.

The problem is that these benefits might be outweighed by the increased risks associated with co-sleeping with a premature infant. Whilst dangers like overlaying and suffocation can be mitigated by following standard guidelines, research has shown that there is an association between prematurity and SIDS. Since co-sleeping also increases the risk of SIDS (at least theoretically, though most studies lump sofa sharing and drunken co-sleeping in with the figures), combining the two risk factors might be considered one step too far.

Even in full knowledge of the facts, I think I would still co-sleep with a premature baby if my gut instincts told me that it was strong and healthy enough. This is really one of those questions that cannot be answered in the general case; each family needs to weigh up its own situation and make its own choice. It is worth noting that there are products such as sleep positioners that can be placed on an adult bed to safely contain a tiny baby and keep it on its back. They would certainly make side-lying breastfeeding difficult, but if they help to allay parents' fears about co-sleeping then they might be worth the expense.

The real reason I have written this post is to find out about real people's experience of co-sleeping with preemies. Did you have a premature baby and did you consider co-sleeping with it? Did you wait until it was 40 weeks from conception or did you start straight away? Even if you don't normally comment it would be really interesting to hear anything anyone has to say.

Bent Over the Cot With My Boob Hanging Out

2009-11-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is indeed how I spend a few uncomfortable moments each evening as I put my little darling to bed. You see I always try to get her to sleep in her cot for a while each evening - at least long enough that Cave Father and I can have a few minutes together downstairs and a cuddle in bed before we move the baby through to join us.

But putting my baby to bed on her own is always a huge lottery. She has never been easy to put down and lately she has been even more difficult. I nurse her to sleep in a ring sling, wait half an hour, walk upstairs and lay her down in her cot, at which point she inevitably wakes up, shouts something incoherent (when does she shout anything coherent anyway?) and shakes her head violently from side to side as the realisation dawns that there is no nipple in her mouth. This is when I have to bend at 90 degrees over the cot and dangle my breast into her mouth for anywhere from one to 10 minutes, until she is deeply enough asleep for me to leave her again. It is most unbecoming, especially as I always leave the curtains open (drawing them would create a dangerously loud noise and I like the gentle light of the streetlamp outside). I do wonder how many people have watched me in my ridiculous pose and have puzzled over what the hell I was doing.

Before you rush in with "Why don't you teach her to go to sleep on her own" comments, don't even bother going there. Cave Baby is not a going-to-sleep-on-her-own type of child. She doesn't really stay still unless she is physically restrained (which is why a sling works so well). She cries, very loudly and very longly (you know what I mean) at anything that she doesn't like. She would not drop off to sleep on her own without a huge amount of crying, and that is not something I am going to inflict on her. So let's leave it at that.

So until I give in and resign myself to nursing her to sleep in our super-kingsize bed right from the off, I am going to have to perform this ridiculous display of contortionism every night. Ho hum. Do you do anything really stupid to pander to your children?

Paddling Furiously Beneath the Surface

2009-10-29T06:12:00.000-07:00

People don't frown in photos. In photos, everything is hunky dory. Mothers are the same with our out-of-the-house faces. We are experts at putting on a brave public face even when chaos and frustration reign at home.

Do you ever look at another mother gliding along, calmly pushing a pram, and wonder how she manages to be so competent, so together? I read an explanation for this (was it in What Mothers Do? I'm not sure) and it went roughly as follows. We all feel such a sense of relief when we manage to get organised enough to leave the house that we are bound to look a bit calm and happy as we walk along. Let's face it, the afternoon stroll is the highight of the day when you're caring for a newborn and you're pretty pleased with yourself for getting your shit together long enough to step outside the door (plus the fact that this may be the first time in the day that the baby has stopped crying). At the same time as you're looking at some other mother and wondering how she manages to be so organised, she is probably looking at you thinking how confident you are.

Our own mothers can be just as unhelpful when it comes to understanding how bloody hard motherhood can be. I have already forgotten just how bewildering the first few months were (I don't think I got enough sleep to actually form memories). If I've forgotten after a year, imagine what it's like after 30 years. They remember the good bits (the human brain does have a tendency to forget bad things anyway) and it is the good bits that they tend to talk about. Hence, insecure new mums like me wonder why we are so much less competent than our mothers were.

I think blogs also tend to give a false impression of how great other people's lives are. You read about what a wonderful day some blogger and her family had, you see pictures of attractive children kicking up autumn leaves in dappled sunlight, and you think, "How come my life isn't as perfect as that?". But what the blogger doesn't write about is the tantrum the child had at breakfast time; the fact she had to be bribed to put on her wellies; the way she cried when she was put in her car seat. I'm not criticising anyone for writing nice things about their families; I am just saying that we naturally tend to edit out the worst bits and write about the things that went well, that we enjoyed.

The point of this post is to say that intelligent, self-aware people tend to be self-critical and, when comparing themselves with others, to find themselves wanting (at least, I do). Mothers are no exception. We always think everyone else is coping so much better then we are (I do anyway). But I have met enough mums in real life to know that when you scratch the surface and get past that public face, we all have the same worries and problems. Even a confident, capable, charity-working, volunteering, supermum-of-three, long the subject of my admiration, admitted to me yesterday that she feels she can't cope when her toddler plays up. I know that shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

So what I am trying to say is that it is easy to look at other people and imagine that their lives are more enjoyable than your own, or that they are much better parents than you, or they are happier than you, or whatever other metric you use to measure your own self-worth. But I don't think it's true. I think other people look at you and think exactly the same thing. I think mothers in particular are brilliant at putting on a brave face. In reality, we all appear to be gliding serenely while beneath the surface we are paddling furiously. This is the nature of things and it will never change. So (and I am saying this more to myself than to anyone else) chill out, make the best of things and stop thinking that everyone is so much better at motherhood than you.

Nursing Wisdom

2009-10-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the October Carnival of Breastfeeding! This month's theme is "What I Wish I Had Known..." and links to all the other posts in the carnival will appear below during the day. Enjoy reading them all.

There are two pieces of advice that would have totally changed the uncertain scary, sleep deprived early days with my daughter. They are simple tips yet I never read them in a book until I was given a copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, eight months into my mothering adventures. So many mums I have talked to have agreed how useful these pieces of wisdom have been to them - in fact I have often wondered why they are not more widely advised. So, without further ado, here they are.

First: the best way to get your baby to nap and to get some sleep yourself is to lie down beside it, nurse it to sleep and allow yourself to rest with it until it wakes. This is so obvious, yet most of us believe we "should" put the baby down in a basket or crib and sleep on our own somewhere else. Every book advises new mothers to sleep when their babies sleep, but if you are breastfeeding in a chair and your baby nods off in your lap, what are you supposed to do? So, to any new mothers out there who are reading this: feel no guilt about cuddling up in bed with your little one for a gorgeous nap. Treasure every moment you get to spend in such a lovely yummy way. And get someone else to do the housework. (Even daytime naps like this count as co-sleeping, and as such, should be done safely. Though, it must be said, it is safer to intentionally co-sleep with your little one in a bed than to drop off on a sofa with the baby on your knee).

Secondly: get a sling that you can breastfeed in. Seriously, this changed my life. A sling is such a warm, cosy place for a baby to be, and when you add the comfort of suckling it becomes almost impossible for a baby not to settle down and sleep. What is so great about nursing a baby to sleep in a sling is that it untethers you from the sofa: whether the baby is awake, asleep or in the process of dropping off, you can wander about the house, go outside, use a computer or do whatever else that appeals. The sling also provides a familiar environment for the baby wherever you happen to be, so it will fall asleep more easily in strange surroundings. What is perhaps most useful for parents of spirited, high needs babies is the fact that it is easier to put a baby down without waking it when it is in a sling than when it is just being carried. And if you do manage to put your sleeping baby down, you can enjoy some precious moments of me-time because you should be able to slide your body out from within the sling without disturbing the baby. I found my ring sling incredibly useful for this and I still use it nowadays to hip-carry my 13 month old daughter. I am sure a stretchy wrap would be equally as good.

The fact that these simple tips, that can make such a difference, are omitted from standard childcare manuals amazes me. I think it owes a lot to our society's irrational fear of letting our babies control us that we are afraid to do such natural things as napping with our babies or carrying them around. So, without wishing to become some kind of annoying advice-giving know-it-all, I spread the word whenever I can (and almost always find someone who completely agrees with me, and, like me, can't understand why we all had to learn these things the hard way). May you, dear reader, have many happy and restful days with your baby.

Fancy Pancakes: Wish I'd Heard More Good Things
The Milk Mama: When breastfeeding begins badly, and what I should have done about it
Hobo Mama: What I wish I'd known when I started breastfeeding
My World Edenwild: What I Wish I'd Known Then: A Poem
Happy Bambino: I wish I had known then…that it wasn’t up to me alone
Three Girl Pile-Up: 4 things I wish I’d known about breastfeeding
Birth Activist: What I Wish I Would Have Known About Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding Moms Unite!: You Don't Have to Grin and Bear It
Momma's Angel: What I Wish I’d Known Then – My List For Next Time
The Starr Family Blogg: I Wish I Would Have Known
Whozat: If I'd Known Then
Massachusetts Friends of Midwives: What I wish I’d known back then about breastfeeding
Fighting Frumpy: When Breastfeeding Feels Wrong
Breastfeeding Mums: 15 Breastfeeding Facts I Wish I'd Known as a First Time Breastfeeding Mum
Mum Unplugged: What I Wish I'd Known Then
Blacktating: Breastfeeding is life changing
Breastfeeding 1-2-3: Trust Yourself and Your Body

A Gift I Want To Give

2009-10-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that I hope for my daughter's future, aside from her being healthy, it is that she will grow up loving the natural world. I hope she will know how calming and restorative a walk in a green space can be, even if it just a park. I hope she will have the confidence to pick up a map and a compass and set out to wander the outdoors. I hope she will find it rejuvenating to fill her lungs with air scented with grass and manure. And I hope that she will delight in watching wild animals and birds whenever she can.

My parents worked long and hard to give me this gift. They put up with incessant moaning from my brother and I when they dragged us all out for long walks at the weekend. They took us on holiday to remote caravan sites beside windswept coastlines or craggy mountains, and hauled us up hills and down cliffs to catch elusive sightings of shy birds and animals. It must sometimes have been hard to maintain enthusiasm in the face of our cynical complaints. But do you know what? After all those years, something in us clicked. We started asking to go out for walks. When we left home for city universities we found that we missed those doses of country air. We bought tents and sought out quiet green campsites. We started looking for opportunities to watch wildlife. My parents really did succeed in giving us that appreciation of nature.

Will I be able to give my baby the same gift? I feel that I have so much to live up to. I remember so many wonderful moments, and I wonder if I will be able to give my daughter the same memories. I remember my first, thrilling view of a fox hunting at twilight; going out at dusk to watch a family of badgers emerge from its sett; visiting frenetic colonies of nesting seabirds; peering through binoculars at bobbing seals; seeing salmon leap up a weir; eating sandwiches in a hide while waiting to catch sight of a woodpecker; spying a weasel scurrying along a grassy bank. My best memory of all is watching a family of bluetits fledge from a nestbox on the front of our house.

Though I know it is going to be hard to give my daughter the same fond memories, I know that if I can, I will be giving her an escape route from the grey rush of urbanity. So I will do my best at every opportunity to escape the suburbs where we live and to immerse us in fresh air and greenness, in animals, plants, birds and insects.

Of course it's not even a given that there will be so many plants and animals for my daughter to look at when she grows up. If you have a moment, consider signing the RSPB's Letter to the Future that aims to show the UK government that millions of us humble citizens wish they would plough as much money and effort into safeguarding the natural world as they do into saving the economy. You don't have to be an RSPB member and you don't have to give them any money, though I think you have to be a UK citizen. It's a really good idea, and the more people that sign, the stronger the message becomes. Happy pledging.

Co-Sleeping in the News

2009-10-15T05:06:00.001-07:00

A new study in the British Medical Journal has linked co-sleeping with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. But read between the lines and it quickly becomes clear that, like all SIDS studies, there are many more factors at play than the fact that the deceased baby was sleeping with its parents.

For a start, it is a startling fact that among the 80 mothers of babies who had died, 25% had drunk more than 2 units of alcohol in the previous 24 hours. This compares to only 2% of mothers in a control group (though these figures may be skewed by the fact that the mothers of deceased babies were questioned at the weekend, when they were more likely to have been drinking). When drugs were also taken into account, the proportion of mothers of deceased babies who had been affected by drugs or alcohol climbed to 31%.

The finding that has hit the headlines hardest is that in 54% of the 80 cases of SIDS, the baby had been sleeping with a parent (which means that in 46% of the deaths, the baby was sleeping on its own). But this does not mean in a bed, safely adapted for co-sleeping. In fact 17% of the SIDS children had been sleeping on a sofa, versus 1% of the non-SIDS cases. The use of pillows was also found to be a statistically significant factor in the SIDS cases. I wonder how many more had been in a chair, sleeping on a parents' knee after a night feed where the parent had desperately tried to stay awake to avoid the terrible risk of taking the baby to bed.

Factors that were also found to be associated with SIDS, but which are less likely to be associated with co-sleeping were swaddling, maternal smoking during pregnancy, preterm birth, ill health, stomach sleeping and sleeping alone (not in the parents' room).

The presence of bedding over the head or face of the baby, a side sleep position, excessive bedding and clothing and postnatal exposure to tobacco smoke were not found to be associated with SIDS.

Tellingly, the researchers themselves said that co-sleeping should not be demonised. Their conclusions support what co-sleeping advocates have been saying all along: parents should be educated about safe co-sleeping before birth. That means not consuming alcohol or drugs prior to sharing a bed with a child, not smoking, not co-sleeping on a sofa or in a chair and not co-sleeping if the parents or the baby are very ill (though this is perhaps the occasion when our instincts make us more likely to bedshare). It also means keeping the baby next to its mum, having a safe sleeping environment with no dangerous gaps, keeping pillows and duvets away from the baby (which should preferably be on top of the covers with its own blanket, though I only did this for six months) and making sure the baby sleeps on its back (or possibly its side).

I know that having my baby in a cot in my room is in theory the "safest" sleeping arrangement. But I also believe there are positive benefits to sharing a bed, and my child would miss out on these benefits if she slept alone. It is very easy for the medical community to recommend using a cot, but the reality on the front lines of parenting can often make that a very difficult ideal to achieve. My daughter cannot usually be placed in a cot without waking, so cot sleeping would necessarily involve a lot of crying and that is not something I am prepared to inflinct on her. That is just my experience; it is possible that if she had been an "easier" baby, I would never have bedshared at all.

Cot sleeping became popular as bottle feeding went on the rise. Breastfeeding babies feed more frequently and for longer than bottle fed infants, and can only be fed by their mother. The night-time parenting of a breastfed baby is therefore easier if the baby co-sleeps some or all of the time. Co-sleeping is much more compatible with breastfeeding, and as breastfeeding numbers increase it is inevitable that more mothers will co-sleep (a recent study in the north-east found that 65% of breastfeeding mothers sometimes co-slept).

The NHS and UNICEF have not changed their advice to parents - cots are safest, but if you co-sleep, follow the above safety guidelines. Now, a study into SIDS where the co-sleeping babies were all doing it safely in a bed with responsive parents... wouldn't that be something?

Time, Or Lack Of It

2009-10-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I don't know how all these so-called mummy bloggers find the time to post several times a week, especially those with more than one child. As Cave Baby gets older (13 months and counting) things don't feel like they are getting any easier, and my free time seems to be in shorter and shorter supply. Her naps get ever shorter and her night-time sleep shows no sign of improving. When she is awake she wants to practice walking ALL THE TIME. I can forget about doing anything on the computer when she is around unless I want more of the keys to break following one of her keyboard mashing sessions (only the equals has succumbed so far). And what with my "other projects", not least the preparation for imminent bathroom refurbishment, this blog has been way down my order of priorities.

But in lieu of a proper post, may I encourage you to click on The Feminist Breeders article on breast vs formula. It is just the kind of rant I would be too scared to write. She is a brave blogger with real integrity.

Swipes, Scratches and Bites

2009-10-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

I often wonder how other parents manage the baby/animal interface. A typical baby/cat encounter in our house goes roughly as follows. Cat finds a quiet place to lie down. Baby spots cat (cue pointing and cries of "Dada dada"). Baby crawls towards cat. Baby prods cat in face. Cat looks annoyed. Baby pokes face again then strokes hair. Cat looks more annoyed. Baby grabs handful of fur. Cat raises paw threateningly. Baby pulls fur. Cat places paws (claws out) on either side of baby's head and menacingly approaches baby's face with teeth bared, remembers that this scenario has previously concluded with the delivery of quite a hard kick from the mother of said baby, and runs away.

I do my best to prevent Cave Baby from tormenting our cat, but short of banning the cat from the house, there is not a whole lot I can do to keep them apart. Besides, the cat seems to actually gravitate towards the baby. It must be her sadist streak. Or, rather more sadly, it may be her attempt to get attention from the humans who have neglected her for the year in favour of their precious baby.

Well, actually, maybe I could try harder to keep them apart. But I am not an over-protective sort of person and I kind of think that learning to deal with our vicious cat won't do Cave Baby any harm. Granted, she has had quite a few scratches so far. But on the positive side, she is learning to respect animals and she's maybe learning a little lesson about the world not being completely fluffy and cute and nice.

So I probably could do a little bit more to keep them apart, but I'm trying to let them sort it out themselves and I'm hoping that eventually they will reach a state of mutual respect and understanding.

What I want to know is, do other people have this problem with their cats and dogs (or whatever other creatures you have running around your house)? How do you deal with it?

Cleanliness Anxiety

2009-10-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

At what point in the last ten years did I turn into one of those women who can't function unless the house is clean? It's been a slow transformation, from a relaxed studenty attitude to dirt, through the easy solo living days to my current anxiety-filled quest to maintain cleanliness in the face of a rampaging crumb-scattering baby. I'm not stupid about cleaning: a quick vac once a week, cleaning the bathroom when it smells or gets spattered with toothpaste, a bit of dusting once a month and a daily wipe of the kitchen surfaces is quite enough for me. But I just can't stand it if things get out of hand and the place becomes dirty.

Last week I was stressed out, all week. And I am ashamed to say it was all because I felt like I was drowning under a weight of housework. We had been away for a long weekend, meaning that the previous week had been mostly about preparing for the trip, so very little washing or cleaning had been done. That meant this week I had to do several loads of laundry, clean the kitchen and vac the house as well as the usual daily washing up. I know this doesn't sound much to a normal person but to a sleep deprived mother with a trying-to-walk baby clinging to her legs, it feels like climbing a mountain.

Every day I put the washing out on the line, only for it to rain again and soak it through. My dad came and did some DIY which coated our entire bathroom and landing in dust. Then he threw a cup of coffee down the stairs. And of course Cave Baby was going through one of her "difficult" weeks which meant she refused to eat her normal meals and preferred to throw food all over the place instead. Three times a day. Ahhhh.

The fact that this all gets me so stressed out is probably related to my SAHM inferiority complex. I think that if I'm at home, the least I should be able to do is welcome Cave Father into a clean house at the end of the day (Feminism? Never heard of it). When I worked full time I didn't really care about dirt because (a) I was only at home when it was dark, so I didn't see it; and (b) I had much more important things to worry about. But now I spend many daylight hours here in my house I have far too much time to look at the state of my carpets and stress about how on earth I am going to find time to clean them when I have to go shopping and take Cave Baby to this or that baby group and meet my mum and make a cake and check my emails and blah blah blah blah. I wish I could have Lisa from Edenwild's healthier attitude towards cleanliness.

Thank god for my mother who came on Thursday and did all those niggly little jobs that Cave Baby just won't tolerate me doing. That helped a lot. But what shocked me the most was that on Friday, when I did manage to vac the house, I instantly felt a hundred times more relaxed. Now isn't that so sad? My anxiety genuinely was caused by my need to clean. I really am turning into one of those women who have to have a clean house. And that's not who I want to be!

Let's just set a few pledges out right now. I am not going to be one of those people who wipes my baby's face or washes her hands in the middle of a meal. I am not going to worry about her picking up soil. I am not going to ask anyone to take their shoes off at the door. And I am going to try not to ever let staying clean get in the way of having fun. I shall have be mindful about reigning my cleaning urges in. Wish me luck!

Why Human Babies Should Be Carried

2009-10-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

Babywearing is becoming increasingly popular, but it is usually chosen for convenience and is rarely thought of as a biological necessity. However there is strong scientific evidence that human babies are biologically adapted to be carried, just like gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees, and that babywearing is the best way to meet our infants' needs.

Firstly, a human infant naturally assumes a bent-legged, curved-spine position that allows the baby to be carried astride its parent's hip. Baby apes adopt a startlingly similar position when laid down. Furthermore, a baby carried on a hip instinctively clings on by gripping its carrier's waist with its thighs. And humans may have lost their fur but babies retain the strong grip that allows their their ape cousins to hang onto their parents' coats. Even without our fur, have you ever noticed that human skin has a lovely non-slip quality that really helps support your baby's weight when you are naked and you are carrying a naked baby? The first time I took my baby into the shower I was amazed at how much easier it was to carry her without the bulkiness of clothes between us. Newborns even have reflexes that help them to maintain a strong grip on their parents' bodies. It has been shown that when a carried infant is startled, triggering a "Moro" reflex, its grip on its parent actually tightens.

Evidence for our carrying needs also comes from the composition of human breastmilk. Mammals that habitually leave their offspring alone (while out looking for food) have high-protein, high-fat milk and their babies feed very quickly. Their babies can be sustained by a quick feed every few hours. In contrast, species that produce low-protein, low-fat milk are also characterised by the extensive contact that takes place between a mother and her babies. Their young are carried or follow their mother if they can walk. These young also feed fairly continuously. Unsurprisingly, great apes and humans are examples of mammals that make low-fat, low-protein milk. Great apes do maintain constant contact between mother and babies, and do feed continuously. Biologically speaking, humans should.

A baby's distribution of body fat even contributes to the evidence in favour of carrying. Dark fat cells, that provide insulation, are more densely distributed on a baby's back than its front. A carried baby is therefore able to absorb heat from its parent on its front without losing too much warmth from its exposed back.

Finally, the facts that human babies defecate readily and cry when they are left alone support the theory that they expect to be carried by their parents. In species which are usually left alone, the young do not defecate without assistance to avoid creating smells which would be detectable by a predator. Similarly, they do not draw attention to themselves by crying when the parent is absent. Human babies can defecate and cry at will because they have evolved to be with a parent at all times.

So, babywearers, it seems you are not just making your life easier by carrying that heavy baby around with you. You are meeting your baby's biological needs for constant contact and company and you are providing the right conditions for your child to regulate its milk intake and maintain its body temperature. Next time you strap your baby on, you can do it with the confidence that you are meeting your baby's biological needs and expectations. And that can't be bad for a baby's first experience of life.

This information and more can be found in "Natural Parenting ― Back to Basics in Infant Care", a paper by Regine A. Schön and Evolutionary Psychology, published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology. Enjoy!

Sleep, One Year On

2009-09-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

This post is for the Sleep Deprivation Carnival at Sleep is for the Weak so pop over there next week for lots more sleep deprived posts.

Six months ago, when I started this blog, I wrote a piece about how we began co-sleeping to cope wth our daughter's inability to sleep on her own. It went as follows:

Like most parents we had intended to sleep our baby in a moses basket and then move her into a cot when she was older. She was born at home, in a planned home birth, in the early hours of the morning. About an hour after she was born she breastfed and she was then put down, asleep, in her moses basket where she slept soundly until 9am or so, when she fed again. She did a lot of sleeping in her first few hours but by the evening of her first day of life she had already figured out that the moses basket was bad news. My memories of the days after the birth are hazy, but I recall that the first night we struggled to get her to stay asleep in her basket for more than a few minutes until about 4am when Cave Father got her to sleep on his chest, and kept her there for the rest of the night. The following night saw a similar performance. At this point you might well be thinking that the baby simply had her nights and days mixed up. But on the third night, after a couple of hours of messing about with the moses basket, I gave up, took her into our bed, lay down and nursed us both to sleep. And the remarkable thing was that she then slept the rest of the night, waking briefly to feed but never crying or fussing. The baby who could not sleep for more than a few minutes in a moses basket could sleep soundly for two hours nestled next to her mother with open access to the breast.

To a mother primed to expect nights broken by the cries of an infant, the peace and serenity of co-sleeping was a revelation. When people asked how she was sleeping, I honestly had to answer, "Really well. She never cries at night." But even while my baby was showing me how she wanted to be mothered, I was feeling guilty for parenting in the "wrong" way and I continued to struggle to sleep her in a moses basket. Needless to say, my stone age baby was having none of it and made sure that she took her rightful, natural place beside me every night.

My self-doubt arose from a clash between what books and "childcare experts" were telling me, and what my baby and my instincts guided me to do. Six months on, having read more deeply into the subject, I am so grateful that I have co-slept with my baby since the very beginning and I consider it a gift to both of us.

My daughter is now over a year old and still finds it difficult to sleep for more than three hours in a row. But that's OK, I can cope with it. I have bad weeks when teething is troubling her and she only sleeps from 10pm to 7am in two hour stints, and I have good weeks when she goes to bed at 9pm, sleeps until 7.30am, and manages a five hour stretch in the middle. In the middle of a bad patch it can feel like I am always tired, but equally I can feel energetic and capable when things are going well. The wheel always turns so that on the worst of days, I know there will be some better sleep coming along in a week or so.

Co-sleeping is still keeping us sane and on the nights when we do manage to transfer her, asleep, to her cot (as rare as that is), we even get to spend some hours alone in our huge bed. But after co-sleeping for a year, it honestly feels like the most natural thing in the world. I do not begrudge my daughter her place in our bed and I know that such a spirited, independent little girl will have no hesitation in telling us exactly when she has had enough of sleeping next to her parents.

Bedtime battles, sleep training and baby whispering are not for us - just night-time cuddles and a very loud, very heavy baby-shaped alarm clock.

SAHM Inferiority Complex

2009-09-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel about being a stay at home mum. I feel inferior to mothers who go out to work. I feel that I am not pulling my weight in the household. I don't believe that the work I do each day, caring for Cave Baby, cooking and keeping the house clean, bears any comparison to a real work day. I feel that I'm exploiting my kind partner who goes out to earn the money. I feel embarrassed that we can afford to have just one of us working, when other people have it much harder. I feel like my education is going to waste. I feel that my family must wonder why I'm squandering my talents. I wonder when my partner is going to come to his senses and realise how unfair the arrangement is.

Why do I feel like this? I'm not short of stay-at-home role models - my mother took seven years out to look after me and my brother, and my mother-in-law never worked. My partner thinks it is perfectly right and reasonable that I should look after our daughter while he earns the money to support the family. He says I am doing a valuable job. He knows how hard it can be sometimes.

I think that I have been brought up in a culture that places a very high value on mothers going back to work. My family was full of very strong women. My mother has had a successful career, both my grandmothers had good jobs and worked until retirement, my aunts are both wealthy high flyers. Our government constantly encourages women to go back to work by offering money off childcare and withdrawing benefits from those who do not find work once their children reach a certain age (yet at the same time, politicians bemoan the collapse of the family unit and the resulting social problems).

But I am here at home because my partner and I have agreed that it is the best thing for our daughter at the moment. We think it is good for her to have her mum all the time, and we know that we are very fortunate to be able to make this decision. She has quite high needs and the parenting philosophy that we have developed over the past year means that we would feel uncomfortable about handing her over to someone else to care for until she is a little older (though again, I know we are privileged to be able to make this choice).

Being a stay at home mum can be frustrating but I am under no illusion that it is about a million times more fun than going to work. I have never had a job I liked and I have never looked forward to going to work. I cannot identify with women who say they need to get out of the house and work, though I do not doubt that their feelings are perfectly valid. Many studies have shown that stress at work is often caused by a lack of control over your own time, and one of the great aspects of being a full-time mother is that you have almost total control over what you do each day, baby mealtimes and naps permitting. There is a lot of angst amongst full-time mothers (not least amongst bloggers - see recent posts by Mon at Holistic Mama and Jessica at This Is Worthwhile) and I can empathise with their themes of martyrdom, isolation and compromise. I know staying at home is hard - I really suffer from a lack of any time to do anything on my own, for example - but I am satisfied with my lot. I am confident I am doing the right thing for our family and I can't really believe how lucky I've been to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mum. In fact I wonder how long I'm going to be able to get away with the improbably good deal I've got.

When Only Daddy Will Do

2009-09-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's mummy mummy mummy most of the time. I spend the day with Cave Baby, feed her to sleep and lie beside her all night. But dads have special powers and sometimes they can do things that us mums can't. This morning, CB woke up at 6.15 and decided it was time to get up and crawl. Now some unfortunate souls might be thinking, "6.15, that's not too bad", but in our house nothing exists before 7am. There is just no way I will entertain the possibility of getting up at a time that starts with a 6. If she wakes up too early I try to get her back to sleep and if that doesn't work, I just keep on lying her down and sticking her on the breast until 7am, when I give in. (By the way, don't get jealous about the sleep I get - she never goes to bed before 9pm. But I prefer late nights to early mornings).

So this morning I tried in vain for ten minutes to get her back to sleep. Sometimes the breast just doesn't work - in the morning suckling seems to wake her up rather than put her back to sleep. She was fed up with the whole business and turned away from me to face her daddy. I don't know why, but in these circumstances Cave Father seems to have special baby sleep powers. All he does is put his hand on her and shush, but somehow it works where all my efforts fall short. Perhaps it's the weight and firmness of his hand. Perhaps it's the depth and resonance of his voice. Whatever it is, thank the lord that it works. I got an extra hour's sleep and a warm feeling that perhaps one day, if I keep my fingers and toes crossed, daddy will be able to put her to bed.

Your Beco Becomes You

2009-09-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love babywearing? Since inspiration is still rather thin on the ground around here, I thought I would write a little about my Beco baby carrier.

The Beco is a soft structured carrier based on the design of a mei-tai, with adjustable straps and buckles. The baby sits in a pocket of fabric (so the baby is not in direct contact with the wearer, unlike a mei-tai) and there are shoulder straps, a waist belt and a chest belt. In addition there are two adjustable straps at the top of the pouch that allow you to change the depth of the pocket of fabric that the baby sits in.

When you get the Beco comfortable, it is really comfortable. Cave Baby weighs something like 23lbs now so carrying her is no picnic, but I can wear her for hours on my back in the Beco if I have to. I can certainly feel every one of her 23lbs, but I have never got sore shoulders or back pain from wearing it.

Although soft structured carriers should be among the easiest of slings to use, there is certainly an art to perfecting the weight distribution in the Beco. First of all you have to figure out whether to wear the waist belt on your waist or hips. Then there is the task of getting the baby to fit really snugly against your body: do you make the pouch smaller or tighten the shoulder straps? Or do you leave the shoulder straps looser and tighten the chest strap? It took me a month or so to work out how to get a front carry really comfortable. Then, when CB got too heavy to wear on my front, I had to figure everything out again for the back carry. Perhaps the complexity of the various straps is a blessing in disguise, for whilst it takes a while to get your head around the various different straps, they do mean that the carrier can be adjusted to suit any body type. We are very lucky that Cave Father and I are a very similar size.

Back carries are fairly straightforward. Now I can easily do it on my own, and while I was learning, I only (nearly) dropped my baby on her head in public once. There are several ways to get a baby on your back: you can put the baby in the carrier, sit it in a chair and pull it on like a backpack; you can put the baby in the carrier, rest it on your hip and swing it round to the back; or you can put the carrier on your front, insert the baby, then scoot the whole apparatus round to your back. I do the latter - it takes me a minute at most.

For anyone who has come across this while looking for information about getting a Beco really comfortable, here is my advice. Put the carrier on and put your baby in, making sure that its bottom slightly overhangs the waist strap. Loosen the shoulder straps and get the waist belt really tight, experimenting with moving it from your waist to your hips. When you feel that the waist belt is supporting the baby's weight and is secure, tighten the shoulder straps until you feel them beginning to take some of the weight off the waist belt (it's a bit like finding the biting point of a clutch). When you feel the weight shift, stop tightening. That should be you all set to go.

I don't know how the Beco compares to a really comfy wrap; I can't wrap my baby as tightly as I can get her in the Beco and as a result I find the Beco more comfortable, but I would imagine that a pro wrapper would probably disagree. But I have to say that I am really pleased with how comfortable it continues to be now that my baby is getting heavy.

If you are trying to decide between soft structured carriers, there are a couple more features that attracted me to the Beco. Firstly, it has a fabric panel that comes in loads of designs, so the carrier is actually quite pretty. Secondly, it has a little hood that fastens on to the carrier that can be used to keep the baby's head still when it falls asleep, or as a rain hood.

I gather that Becos are quite popular in the US but there are not many stockists here in the UK. We bought ours from a shop called Slumber-Roo (who are not paying me for a plug!). And now the bad news: if you want one, be prepared to wave goodbye to the best part of £100.

To be fair, I have not used any other SSC so I cannot tell how the US-made Beco would compare to a home-grown, cheaper SSC. But for us it has been a great purchase that has been used most days for the seven months we have had it, has washed well, and continues to be useful now. It is ideal for walking with your baby or toddler for long periods and it can be adjusted to fit any member of the family perfectly.

I Breastfeed My Cat

2009-09-14T03:29:00.000-07:00

Well I don't actually breastfeed my cat, though I did once give her some expressed milk in a saucer (she rejected it). But this woman does!

Yes, this strange woman found that her baby would not breastfeed (don't get me on to the subject of babies who "won't" breastfeed) but, not wanting to waste her milk, she gives it to her cat. This does not simply mean offering the milk in a saucer - no, this lady actually feeds the cat directly from her breast.

How do you teach a cat to breastfeed? And, more to the point, how does a cat latch on without sinking its alarmingly sharp teach into your delicate flesh? I mean, cat's faces are pretty immobile; they surely can't mould their mouths around the breast like a baby can. Am I thinking too deeply about this one? I can't help it, it is just so damn weird and intriguing!

This story appeared in Closer magazine last week. Having just admitted, though not explicitly, that I read such shameful rubbish (albeit on a very occasional basis), I must say that the magazine is, on the whole, very supportive of breastfeeding. The following week they printed a very sensible letter asking why, if the cat woman was so averse to wasting her milk, didn't she express it and donate it to a milk bank? And I also came across this article debunking myths about breastfeeding.

So, you see, Closer magazine is not so rubbish after all... Now excuse me, I must get back to that article about Jordan and Peter.

Mother, Introverted

2009-09-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

In a book I read recently (The Other Hand, Chris Cleave), the fictional female narrator was said to have taken two years after the birth of her son to emerge from the introverted phase of motherhood. This got me thinking - am I still in the introverted phase? Am I just introverted anyway? Or am I outwardly "normal" and just inwardly preoccupied with my own thoughts?

When her baby was 12 weeks old (and mine a similar age), a friend of mine said that she felt she was just coming out of the fog that she had been in since giving birth. At the time I thought that I was already out of that new-mother bubble; the bubble that makes you feel like nothing exists in the world apart from your baby, your house and a gigantic pile of dirty nappies. But I wondered if I was kidding myself; if I was really still lost in the fog but didn't know it.

Months later, with hindsight, I think I was correct back then and I had already broken out of my bubble. And now, at a year postpartum, I think I am still suffering maternal tiredness from broken nights but I am basically back to my old self. I have weeks when I have no desire to associate with anyone except my family, and weeks when I want to go to tots' groups every day. And, symetrically, I have weeks when I have no desire to go anywhere near the internet (like this week) and weeks when I am obsessed with it. I don't think I am caught in a spiral of introversion - in fact I deliberately build bridges so that I do have reasons to get out of bed each morning (aside from the baby-crawling-all-over-me reason).

But am I mistaken? Is there really an introverted phase that lasts as long as two years? Am I still in a fog so enveloping that I can't tell whether it is there or not? In another year, will I emerge from the mist, look back and realise how wrapped up I was in my baby for all that time? And does it even matter? Maybe the fog has a purpose. Maybe that fog is what helps mothers to give so much to their children without worrying about what they themselves have given up.

Who knows. I'll just keep trudging on, doing my best and hoping that I'm doing something right at least some of the time.

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

2009-09-05T03:50:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling rather uninspired at the moment. It could be something to with the lurgy that has struck down myself and my baby, forcing me to spend most of the last week on a settee with a sleeping baby on my lap, staring at the TV.

So, the title of this post is about neighbours. We actually have great neighbours. Not the type to pop round and have a coffee with, but the type you could borrow a ladder from if you were short of one.

Anyway, I was not intending to write about real neighbours. I sat down to write about Neighbours, the only soap worth watching (on weekdays on Channel 5 at 5.30, at least). Any Aussies reading this will probably think it's hilarious that some of us sad Brits still watch this guff. And yes, I have visited the real Ramsay Street.

Anyway, Bridget is breastfeeding her new baby (they seem to be giving bottles too, but hey, I don't really expect continuity from a Neighbours scriptwriter). And they even mentioned her leaking. It's so nice to see breastfeeding mentioned as a normal, run-of-the-mill thing in a soap. It gave me a little smile when I watched it yesterday.

The Myth of Follow-On Milk

2009-09-02T04:24:00.000-07:00

Follow-on milk is a formula aimed at babies over six months old. It is marketed as a milk that meets the needs of the older baby better than standard formula. The advertising tells us that it contains nutrients to support an older baby's immune system as well as the iron that a six-month-plus baby needs.

Lactation Consultants do not recommend using follow-on milk. They recommend standard new baby formula for any age of baby. This is because new baby formula has a high whey content as opposed to the high casein content of "hungry baby" and "follow-on" milks (whey and casein are the proteins present in cows' milk, the proportions of which must be altered to make the milk digestible by human infants). Casein is more difficult to digest than whey and sits in the stomach for longer. Baby's systems are not designed to have food sitting around in their stomachs - breastmilk passes through in a couple of hours. This is one of the reasons why formula fed babies are more likely to have stomach upsets and constipation.

I discovered by reading the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog that follow-on milks have not caught on in the US like they have in the UK. I wonder why that could be?

Could it possibly be that they were invented to circumnavigate the UK restrictions on advertising of formula milk for babies less than six months old?

Could it be that they have not caught on in the US because formula milk advertising is not banned there, and hence the companies have no need to artificially create a product that they can legally advertise?

Could it be that follow-on milk is completely unnecessary, but formula companies have used marketing to convince UK mothers that their babies will be healthier if they buy it?

Just some idle thoughts. But pretty shocking ones.

Happy Birthday!

2009-08-31T02:28:00.000-07:00

It's my baby's first birthday!

I couldn't let the occasion pass without a little post. The last couple of days have been fun as we have reminisced about what stage of labour I was in this time last year. My labour started slowly and I was contracting for a good 36 hours before I was officially in "established" labour. But I certainly felt every one of those unofficial contractions, let me tell you! And during them I picked some blackberries, baked some gingerbread men, ate some cheese on toast and knelt down with my head on the settee a lot.

Happy Birthday little one. Your father and I are confident that this grand old age will bring a new level of maturity to your sleeping habits, ie you will sleep for more than one hour in your cot or three hours in our bed.

Cow Colostrum - A Bit Wrong?

2009-08-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or is drinking cow colostrum a bit, well, icky?

The antibody and growth-factor packed first milk is the latest performance enhancing supplement for daft cyclists (including Olympic silver medallist Gustav Larsson).

I know it's really no different to drinking cow's milk, but I just can't get away from the feeling that it's a bit wrong. I mean, aren't the super antibodies and growth factors designed for cows not humans? And what about the poor calves?

If it's not speed then it's EPO. If it's not EPO then it's caffeine. Those cyclists just can't get enough of their freaky supplements. And if you're not a cycling fan, you will probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

Cow colostrum. Not for me thanks.

Overdue Babies and Threatened Induction

2009-08-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, this time last year I was in my 41st week of pregnancy and hoping beyond hope that my baby would arrive before I was under pressure to be induced. As anyone who has gone over 40 weeks will know, the phone calls from family and friends start on the due date and do not stop until the baby put in an appearance.

I felt, just like any first time mother does, that my baby was never coming. I just knew I was going to be pregnant for ever. The mental leap from pregnancy to motherhood was just too big for my brain to cope with. Birth was a black hole that loomed ahead of me and sucked all thoughts of the future into its depths.

I was booked to have a home birth and idea of going into hospital to be induced absolutely petrified me. I had got myself into the right mental space to cope with birth at home and I felt certain that if I ended up in hospital I would find it vastly more difficult. So I did what I always do: jumped on the internet to reseach overdue pregnancies.

The Home Birth Reference Site is an invaluable source of evidence-based information on pregnancy and birth, whether you plan to give birth in hospital or at home. It has a brilliant page on postdates pregnancies, and here are the main points that helped me to decide what to do if I went overdue by more than 10 days or so:

* The death rate for apparently "normal" babies (with no congenital abnormalities) doubles after 42 weeks from 1 in 1000 babies to 2 in 1000.

* We are often told that beyond 42 weeks, the ageing placenta cannot deliver enough oxygen and nutrients to the baby. This sometimes happens, and sometimes does not. Research is unfortunately thin on the ground. Many people have had healthy babies after 43 and 44 week pregnancies.

* Most 42 + week pregnancies have just been dated wrong; very few accurately dated pregnancies go on for this long.

* Your body may be delaying labour for a good reason. The baby might be badly positioned for birth, for example. Sometimes we just have to trust that mother nature knows what she is doing.

* You do not have to undergo induction of labour unless you want to. Like any medical procedure, it is offered and you are free to refuse. Furthermore, the date of induction is negotiable. In the UK, induction is usually offered at 10 days or 12 days overdue, despite the fact that the "normal" length of pregnancy is anything from 38 to 42 weeks. You can delay or refuse induction if you so choose.

* The UK's National Institute of Clinical Excellence says that after 42 weeks you should be offered an ultrasound examination and twice weekly checks of the baby's heart rate.

* You can still have a home birth after 42 weeks. Your midwives might be happy to support it, or they might be reluctant. If you are really stubborn, you can insist on staying at home when you finally do go into labour. Nobody can force you to go into hospital.

* You are much more likely to have meconium in your waters when your baby is overdue. This is often enough for a mimdwife to recommend a transfer from home to hospital. But if you are overdue, it is not necessarily a cause for alarm. An experienced midwife should be able to judge the colour and thickness of the liquor and decide whether or not to recommend a transfer. This is what happened to me, and my midwife kept me at home. I am eternally grateful to her.

So here is what actually happened to me. I went to the antenatal clinic for my 41 week appointment and was offered induction. I refused it, totally flummoxing the midwife, who then called for a consultant to reason with the mad pregnant woman. The consultant was straight with me and, after discussion, accepted my wishes to avoid induction and agreed to monitor me if I should go beyond 42 weeks. A senior community midwife then came to talk to me as well and told me that they would support my desire for a home birth beyond 42 weeks. Hooray! This made me feel a whole lot better about things.

My bravery in the antenatal clinic turned out to be unecessary in the end because after two "vigorous" membrane sweeps at the aforementioned 41 week appointment, I went into labour and delivered my baby 42 hours later. The membrane sweeps felt a bit odd and uncomfortable, but I think by that stage of pregnancy I was ready to experience a bit of pain, and if it was going to help me to go into labour then I was all for it (and if you are contemplating having a membrane sweep then I would say that it is absolutely nothing to worry about). I do have a feeling that I would have gone into labour without the sweeps as I had begun to feel "twinges" prior to my appointment. I also wonder if my prolonged pre-labour was caused by the intervention. But I will never know the answers to these questions and I don't really care because I was fortunate enough to have a straightforward labour and home birth and I was blessed with a healthy baby.

I think the main thing to remember if you do go overdue is that induction is not inevitable, and is not necessarily the best thing for your baby. You always have options and if you present your views with enough conviction, medical professionals will have to listen to you.

40+1 Weeks: Judgement Approaches

2009-08-23T04:23:00.000-07:00

This time last year I was 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Cave Baby waited around another eight days before deciding to make her entrance so we are looking forward to her birthday.

But in another way, the first birthday is a bit of a scary point. Everyone has an idea of what a one year old should be like. It should be cutting down on the breastfeeds, sleeping through the night and starting to walk. And whilst the other ages and stages all melt into a blurry mess when viewed through the kaleidoscope of memory, everyone can remember what their own children were doing at age one. That means one thing: judgement.

I have already been told "She can't be having those breastfeeds for ever", and asked "Is she still going to be sleeping with you when she's five?". Aargh. I can ignore anything from strangers but I find it much harder to confront or brush off comments from family. We have relationships to maintain, and any questioning of their beliefs can too easily be taken as criticism of how they brought up their own children.

So, at this time I think it is even more important that I remember why it is good to keep breastfeeding until age two and beyond, why it is good to still sleep with my baby beside me and why I still tote her round in a backpack. It will all be worth it!

Don't you wish that people would occasionally look at your happy, healthy baby and just say "Well done" instead of passing judgement?

My Baby is not Yet One But She Already Knows...

2009-08-18T02:50:00.001-07:00

...how to brush her hair, with a hairbrush.
...that lavender is the most fascinating of all the plants in the garden.
...how to drive her little car (backwards).
...that when mummy draws the shower curtain across, that means mummy is going to be out of commission for five minutes. And that is bad news and requires much crying and flapping of arms.
...how to climb up the stairs.
...that books are for flicking through and pointing at.
...that going out is infinitely more fun than staying in.
...that broccoli is yummy but green beans are horrid!
...how to howl like a wolf.
...that crinkly packets = good news.
...that keyboards are for bashing, screens are for smearing, and laptops are for closing.

Thank you Sunnytodaymama for generously giving me this award:

I am supposed to pass this on to 15 newly discovered blogs. I don't know how people have the time to follow 15 blogs, let alone discover 15 new ones, so here are as many as I can manage:

West of the Pennines
HoboMama
Chilliwack Doula
Chatter Box Joe

I know that's pathetic, but that's all I've got folks.

The Pill vs Fertility Awareness

2009-08-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Do you trust The Pill to keep you from getting pregnant without messing up your body? I don't. My last post on the effect of breastfeeding on child spacing got some thought provoking comments (particularly Earthenwitch's) about fertility awareness. Would we benefit from having more knowledge about our own fertility? It's a difficult question: a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, as the saying goes.

If you are a man or you don't like talking about cervical mucous then you might want want to look away now. So here goes. Several years ago I started taking the contraceptive pill; it just seemed to be the normal thing to do. Within the first year of taking it, I began to feel lethargic and sad. I took B vitamins in an attempt to combat my lack of energy, but they did not seem to make any difference.

My doctor seemed unconcerned about the side-effects but I did manage to persuade him to change my prescription to a different brand of pill. And I did begin to feel better, though I don't know whether it was the new pills or the placebo effect that made the difference. But over the next couple of years I found that my breasts became increasingly sore in the days before my "period" and my interest in sex diminished. This kind of defeated the whole pill-taking exercise.

I think I got off fairly lightly with my minor complaints; a quick web search reveals a list of side-effects as long as your arm, including:

* Weight gain (average of 10lbs in the first year)
* Increase or decrease in acne
* Nausea and vomiting
* Dizziness
* Headaches
* Depression
* Vaginal infections
* High blood pressure
* Loss of libido
* Blood clots in legs, lungs, heart or brain
* Stroke
* Liver tumors (rare)
* Heart attacks
* Gallstones (rare)
* Jaundice (rare)
* Possibly cervical cancer

One morning I woke up, came to my right mind and decided I had had enough of stuffing synthetic hormones down my neck. It is much easier to do this when you are in a stable relationship within which pregnancy would not be a disaster, and I would not for a minute encourage other people to come off the pill. But for several years before we conceived intentionally, I mentally tracked my fertility and used contraceptives only on the days when I was most likely to get pregnant. This is not too difficult when your cycles are regular like mine and it requires no more knowledge than A-level biology.

Disclaimer: NOBODY should trust their own contraception to the instructions in the following paragraph! It is a gross simplification of natural fertility awareness and I will NOT be held responsible for any unwanted pregnancies! With that clear, I shall continue. To avoid conceiving you basically need to know when you ovulate, and use barrier contraception before and after that day. You can easily find out when you ovulate by observing your cervical mucous for a few cycles. Ovulation is accompanied by a sudden increase in clear, stretchy mucous and if you don't see it when you go to the toilet then - yes girls - you just have an exploratory feel (you know where) and see what you can find (as a rough guide, ovulation usually takes place 11-14 days after the first day of your period). Given that sperm can live for 2-3 days, you need to use a barrier method for a good 5 days or so before your predicted ovulation date. And after ovulation, I'm careful for another 5 days or so, just to be on the safe side.

The good thing about being aware of your own fertility, apart from avoiding nasty hormone pills, is that when you do want to become pregnant, you are already aware of the days when you are most likely to conceive.

Now I repeat that nobody should base their own family planning on this information. But I do think that with a bit of knowledge about fertility it is possible to avoid taking the pill without losing too much spontaneity in the bedroom. If you are in a position where pregnancy is undesired but not unthinkable, natural fertility awareness is a realistic option. A bit of cervical mucous monitoring has to be preferable to that terrifying list of side-effects, doesn't it?

Less Breastfeeding = More Babies

2009-08-11T05:20:00.000-07:00

There were some wonderful posts last week in honour of La Leche League's World Breastfeeding Week. The topic of this year's World Breastfeeding Week was "Prepared for Life" and lots of bloggers (including Cartside of Mummy Do That!, Edenwild and the Breastfeeding Carnival bloggers) wrote about the importance of breastfeeding in developing countries.

Here is another spin on why breastfeeding is so valuable to mothers in the third world. Breastfeeding suppresses a mother's fertility so that she is less likely to conceive another child soon after she has given birth. The high levels of prolactin in her blood caused by frequent feeding prevents conception by suppressing ovulation and making an embryo less likely to successfully implant in the uterus if an ovum does manage to get fertilised. Fertility returns slowly, and though lactation amenorrhea (cessation of periods whilst breastfeeding) lasts for over a year for some mothers, others will become fertile much more quickly.

The old wives' tale that you can't get pregnant while breastfeeding is not a myth - the "lactation amenorrhea method" (LAM) is even recognised as a method of birth control here in the West. If you a feeding on demand through the day and night AND breastfeeding exclusively AND not giving your baby a dummy or any other nipple substitute AND your baby is less than six months old then LAM is comparable in effectiveness to other birth control methods. But we all know someone who did get pregnant when they were breastfeeding - I know someone who was expecting their second child two months after delivering the first.

Luckily in the West we have good nutrition and healthcare and we can generally support two close-together babies. But in less developed countries with less plentiful food supplies, an extra mouth to feed can put a considerable strain on a family. Customs of carrying babies and breastfeeding them frequently have in the past prevented women getting pregnant too soon after having a baby, but in countries where bottle feeding has been encouraged, inter-birth intervals have been seen to decline. Meredith Small writes in Our Babies, Ourselves that the rate of pregnancy in Kenya has increased in direct correlation with the increase in formula feeding. Women in Kenya average eight babies in the lifetime, compared to only four in the more traditional !Kung San of Botswana. In fact Small even quotes another anthroplogist, R.V. Short, who went as far as to say: "The changing history of breastfeeding is the history of human population explosion."

My Fat Baby

2009-08-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

Scene: a warm afternoon at the baby weight clinic.

Health visitor: "She's a little heavier than we would like her to be."

Me:"Oh?"

HV: "Yes."

Me: "Well she's still breastfed and she eats very healthily, just fruit and veg and a little bit of meat."

HV: "How many breastfeeds does she have?" (What kind of a question is this? How many breastfeeds does she have? Have people who ask this question got any idea of what on-demand feeding is like? So what counts as "one" breastfeed: the quick one minute burst in the middle of the night? The two minutes to calm her down when she's hyper? The ten-seconds-on-ten-seconds-off public feeds? This question has always puzzled me, from when she was newborn and fed all the time, to now when most feeds are blink-and-you'll-miss-it quick.)

Me: "Er, I have no idea. She feeds on demand."

HV: "Oh [looking puzzled]. She's obviously doing well on her solids. You could drop a breastfeed." (And which breastfeed would you suggest I drop? The one that comforts her when she's banged her head? The one that gets her to sleep for her nap? The one that guides her out of the fog of sleep when she wakes up? The one in the middle of the night that stops her fidgeting and moaning? The one she has on the evening when she's getting cranky, crying for me and pawing at my front? Have you any idea of the role breastfeeding plays in the lives of me and my baby? It is not so much about food as about mothering. And she is only eleven months old!)

Me: "Hmm. No, I'm not going to drop a feed. Maybe I could give her less solids."

HV: "No you can't do that. The solids are very important." (And what about the breastmilk? Is that not still protecting her against all manner of diseases? Is it not supposed to form the main part of her diet until she is a year old? Surely a breastfeed is worth more to her than an extra rice cake or half a potato, for example, especially given that she has no problems taking solids.)

Me: "Oh well. I'll do nothing then. I mean, look at her, she's perfectly fine."

HV: "Hmm. But she is heavier than we would like her to be."

Me: "Wouldn't you have to measure her height to see if she was in proportion?" (In fact we have measured her at home and she is in proportion. But she was born a skinny minnie, and now she's a big bouncy chubby thing, so she has failed to follow The Curve. So obviously there must be something wrong.)

HV: "Hmm."

Me: "Right, I'll do nothing then. Bye." (And I wish I could say that was the end of it, but that darned health visitor has planted the seed of doubt in my head now and for months I will be worrying about Cave Baby's weight, even though the rational side of my brain knows that there is not a jot wrong with her and the only problem is with our health service's draconian attitude to babies' weight gain. I do remember reading this post on Breastfeeding 1-2-3 about babies' weights, which made me feel better.)

Is this scenario familiar to anyone?

What Makes a Difficult Baby?

2009-08-06T05:52:00.000-07:00

We all label some babies as "difficult" and some as "easy". I didn't think twice about describing my tiny daughter as difficult. I was all too aware of how she failed to measure up to my previous expectations of babies: she would not sleep without me lying beside her; she almost always woke when I tried to put her down asleep; she would not lie in a bouncy chair; she cried whenever she was not feeding, in a carrier or in a pram; she fed hourly through the night.

If I knew then what I know now I would have put her in a sling from the moment I woke up to the moment we went to bed and I would not have hesitated to co-sleep with her from the day she was born. But, back then, I took some solace in the fact that things were so very hard because I had a particularly demanding baby to care for.

As Cave Baby has grown up and I have talked to more and more mums about their "difficult" babies I have come to realise how little I valued her "good" traits. I was so preoccupied with her sleeping problems that I never realised how fortunate I was that she breastfed well from the very first attempt; that I never suffered particularly sore nipples; that she kept her milk down and brought burps up easily; that she could lie beside me all night without ever needing to be winded; that she fell asleep when the lights went out without fail, and was content to lie in bed with me until late in the morning. Even if she had been the best sleeper in the world, I would probably have still called her "difficult" if she come up short in some other department.

Reading Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small has given me a different perspective on difficult babies. I now realise that "difficulty" is always relative to the culture in which the baby lives. If I had been part of a culture that customarily co-slept and carried its young then Cave Baby's "difficulties" would not even have shown up. Perhaps in such a culture it would be the babies who fidgeted excessively in a sling, or who wriggled at night, that would be considered "difficult".

And there is another side of "difficulty". My baby's reuctance to sleep alone and her insistence on human contact were simply her ways of telling me what she needed to grow and thrive. All babies know what is good for them, but the "difficult" ones are just a bit more determined to get it. There is an interesting anecdote about this in Meredith Small's book. In the 1970s a researcher named Marten de Vries followed some Masai infants and identified the ten "easiest" and the ten "most difficult". When he returned three months later, only thirteen of thh babies were left, the rest having moved on. Over the next three months of famine, seven of these babies died: six "easy" babies and only one "difficult" baby. Perhaps it was their "difficulty", their determination to have their needs met, that helped the "difficult" babies to stay alive.

I will share a couple more bits from Our Babies, Ourselves but in the meantime you might like to read Hobo Mama's review of it.

Three Moments That Made Me Thankful I Breastfeed

2009-08-03T03:10:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the August Carnival of Breastfeeding! This month the theme is the motto of World Breastfeeding Week: Prepared for Life. And please have a look at all the other excellent carnival posts at the end of this post.

Why am I thankful that I breastfeed?

#1
Sleepless nights combined with a fussy, crying baby made for one exhausted mum. My salvation was to drop all housework, fall into bed with my little one, latch her on to my breast and promptly fall asleep. No more effort was required. I often used to wonder what I would have done if I had not been breastfeeding, and I honestly do not know the answer. But I know that it would have been harder and more frustrating to try to grab those moments of daytime sleep if I had not been breastfeeding.

#2
My seven month old daughter was scalded on her torso and arm by hot coffee; between arriving at Accident & Emergency and our discharge some eight hours later, breastfeeding was the only thing that came between me and meltdown. In the immediate aftermath of the accident, the hospital staff were able to examine her injuries when she was pacified on the breast. And throughout the long hours of waiting to transfer to a children's burns unit and see a specialist doctor, I was able to keep her calm by suckling her. The burns happened at a cafe and when we left the house we had only expected to be out for an hour; thanks to the wonder of a mother's never-empty breasts I was able to keep her belly full until we could finally retreat back to the sanctuary of our home and collectively lick our wounds.

#3
A warm summer's afternoon (rare in Britain), a pretty canal and a few happy hours spent walking the towpath with baby bouncing along in a sling. When the afternoon stretches into the evening, it is so tempting to walk that extra mile instead of turning back and heading for the car. But the great thing about breastfeeding is that you can walk that extra mile, or three, if you feel like it. On several occasions our little family has wandered further than we had planned but when our baby has complained, all we have had to do is stop for a while, give her an impromptu open-air feed and get on our way again. It has given the other walkers something to smile at.

So what does all this have to do with breastfeeding being preparation for life? Well, breastfeeding is obviously the best way to prepare a baby for life, but it is also the best way for a new mother to be prepared for whatever life throws at her. Without breastfeeding, life would have caught me out many times, and I am thankful that I am a breastfeeding mother.

Now enjoy all these other great carnival posts:

Hobo Mama: "Prepared for Life: Breastfeeding in local and global crises"

Zen_Mommy: "Welcome, Carnival of Breastfeeding readers!" on how breastfeeding has shaped her toddler's view of breasts

Pure Mothers: "Marketing Away 'Real Milk'"

Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: "Tips for Consistent and Long-Term Breastfeeding Success"

Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: "Breastfeeding in Emergencies"

Blacktating: "August Carnival of Breastfeeding: Prepared for Life" on the implications of formula feeding during disasters

Fusion Parenting: "Breastfeeding - Prepared for LIFE!" on breastfeeding and living a real life

Breastfeeding 1-2-3: "Breastfeeding as a lifesaver in emergencies"

There IS a Fathering Instinct

2009-08-02T03:23:00.000-07:00

New research has shown that men have increased oxytonin levels after they become fathers.

Oxytonin is sometimes called the "mothering hormone" because it promotes caring, protective feelings in mothers towards their babies. Levels in a woman's body increase towards the end of pregnancy when oxytonin causes labour to occur. Oxytonin is also one of the key hormones of breastfeeding because it causes the let-down reflex. Its release is stimulated by the action of a baby sucking on its mothers nipple.

The new research looked at fathers' oxytonin levels six months after the birth of their children and found that they made more oxytonin than childless men. Furthermore, men with higher oxytonin levels played with their children more and had children who displayed more attachment to them.

So there is a biological foundation to the fatherly instinct after all.

Happening to Breastfeed on Facebook

2009-08-01T03:00:00.000-07:00

If you use Facebook, you should be aware that they take it upon themselves to remove pictures that depict breastfeeding. Facebook spokesman Barry Schnitt has said:

"Our policy is against nudity and we feel strongly that policy is important to keeping Facebook clean. The small number of photos we have removed are of naked women who happen to be breastfeeding. These policies are designed to ensure Facebook remains a safe, secure and trusted environment for all users, including the many children [over the age of 13] who use the site… Photos containing a fully exposed breast (as defined by showing the nipple or areola) do violate those terms (on obscene, pornographic or sexually explicit material) and may be removed."

Users will verify, however, that photos containing a baby feeding from a breast with no exposed nipple or areola, and no other nudity, have also been deleted.

Read what one-of those women and TopHat have said about Facebook's policy, and if you are a Facebook user, consider joining in the virtual nurse-in next week (which happens to be World Breastfeeding Week). The nurse-in is organised by the Mother's International Lactation Campaign (M.I.L.C.) and all you have to do is change your profile picture to an image of a woman breastfeeding her baby.

Enjoy the gratuitous breastfeeding photo taken by Peter Redman from Canada's National Post

Why Do We Still Have to Prove Breast is Better?

2009-07-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

It's time for another breastfeeding rant. Oh yes. I am totally behind the curve here, but it came to my attention that The Times and The Mail printed some poisonous anti-breastfeeding articles last week. God, how this annoys me. Newspapers are not exactly well known for their accurate reporting of scientific studies but they have really excelled themselves here. Breastfeeding not really any better then formula feeding? Pull the other one. Thankfully, UNICEF has issued a statement explaining why the negative reports on breastfeeding are guff. Only they won't print an article on that, will they?

I could go on and on about the proven risks of formula feeding: higher chances of respiratory tract infections, stomach upsets and ear infections; higher incidences of type II diabetes, leukaemia, eczema and asthma. And I could stress the benefits to a woman of breastfeeding: lower probabilities of getting breast and ovarian cancers. But that is enough about the proven benefits. Let's explain very simply why we know formula milk is not as good for babies as breastmilk.

What is formula milk made from? That's right, cows' milk. Milk that was lovingly crafted by mother nature to be perfect for a baby cow. We take the milk from the cows' udders, take it to a factory where we mess about with the proportions of proteins in it, add some vitamins and minerals, and hey presto! Formula milk. FORMULA MILK IS COWS' MILK. Picture a baby suckling from a cow. Is that really an acceptable alternative to breastfeeding?

And that omega 3 that formula companies are so keen to tell us about? That comes from fish scales and fish eyes. Yum!

Now, why do formula companies spend time and effort to improve their formula milks? Well it's really to get an edge over the competition. But to get an edge, they spend all that money trying to make their products more like breastmilk. Implicit in their advertising is the admission that breastmilk is the ideal. And why would you want to give your child second best if the ideal is sitting, literally, right in front of you, hanging off your chest?

I'm not upset at mothers who feed their babies formula. A few have to, and for their babies it is a life saver. Most are simply the victims of a culture that drip-feeds us the message that breastfeeding is weird from the moment we are born. It is the formula companies, and the media that print and broadcast their propoganda, that I hate.

If you are pregnant and reading this, think about whether you really want to gve hundreds of pounds of your own money to some greedy executives who are laughing because they have managed to convince you that chemically altered cows' milk is just as good as your own, free, human milk.

I might have strong views on this topic but I am entitled to my opinions and, as Noble Savage recently pointed out, those of us who breastfeed sometimes feel we have to defend our choices just like formula feeding mothers do.

Tagtime

2009-07-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

I love allgrownup's blog, so I kindly accept her tag to complete this questionnaire. Here goes.

1. Who is the hottest movie star?

Being obvious, Brad Pitt. Less obvious, Steve Buscemi (those teeth).

2. Apart from your house and your car what's the most expensive thing you have ever bought?

A safari in Tanzania.

3. What's your most treasured memory?

This is too predictable, but I would have to say giving birth to my daughter in my bedroom.

4.What was the best gift you ever received as a child?

Really tough. I had a musical Eeyore that I loved. And I still have my cuddly Tom Kitten (as in The Tale of Tom Kitten).

5. What is the biggest mistake you've made?

Working for the government. Boring, boring, boring. I felt myself shrivelling up.

6. 4 words to describe myself

Friendly, stubborn, determined, indecisive.

7. What was my highlight or lowlight of 2008?

Highlight: the birth of my baby, of course.

8. Favourite film?

I've answered this before. So let's change it to favourite album. Fragments of a Rainy Season by John Cale. One day I will write a whole post about this record. It is just beautiful, amazing songwriting, wonderfully performed and always a joy to listen to.

9. Tell me one thing I don't know about you

I ran a rugby supporters' website for several years. And I don't even know that much about rugby. The site is still going strong, though I handed over the reins a long time ago.

10. If you were a comic book/strip or cartoon character, who would you be?

Snorkmaiden.

Now I know I am supposed to tag some newly discovered blogs, but the sad truth is that I have barely had time to think for the last month. Hence there are no newly discovered blogs. But if you want to join in, post a comment and I will add a link below.

Academic Exposure

2009-07-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am all for breastfeeding proudly in public but even I have my limits, you know?

I had arranged to visit my university today and I had even found a kind university-based volunteer to look after Cave Baby for an hour while I was there. So, I merrily made my way to the train station this morning swinging my baby on my back and mentally rehearsing what I would do when I got there: go to common room, give baby a quick feed, drop her off with babysitter, go to meeting. Simple enough.

Suddenly I realised what I was wearing - a short, tight fitting brown flowery top, only recently reinstated into my postnatal wardrobe. Short is good for breastfeeding: easy to lift up over the boob. But tight is bad: feeding involves full wobbly midriff exposure, which is not a good look. With this particular top, discreet lifting is pretty much out of the question and the only option is hoisting the full boob over the low neckline and letting it hang out for all to see.

It was too late to turn back so I carried on to the university. When it was time to feed Cave Baby I strategically planned where in the room I would sit to feed her: a nice quiet corner, away from the other people in the room and with my back to them so I would have some privacy and Cave Baby could look at them as she was feeding (she hates to feed when there is something more exciting going on behind her). She settled into the feed surprisingly well, only unlatching and flashing my full exposed breast every 30 seconds or so - pretty good for her. But it was only a minute before I realised that in my calculations I had failed to take into account that I would be sitting right opposite the main door to the common room. From that moment on, a steady stream of dusty male academics filtered through the door, just in time to be treated to a lovely full view of naked, pale, wet breast as my baby turned to flash them her winning smile. What can you do in that situation? Smile like you don't give a damn (which actually I don't) and watch them avert their eyes in embarrassment. It might not be something they see every day in the postgraduate common room but at least it probably gave them something to chuckle about later on.

Breastfeeding As Art

2009-07-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

Isn't it lovely to see a nursing mother depicted in a piece of art? I never understood the significance of the mother and child image until I had my own child. Now I am a nursing mother myself, I see the beauty and grace that has inspired so many artists. I was delighted to see a woman breastfeeding openly (albeit carved from marble) in the entrance hall of Heaton Hall in Manchester last weekend. Excuse the poor quality of the photographs: I only had my fairly crap mobile phone on me.

Mother and Child by Edward H. Baily

And you know what, I bet nobody has yet been offended by this open display of public breastfeeding.

To anyone in the Manchester area, Heaton Hall is in Heaton Park and it is open free over the summer. It is a nice child friendly weekend destination.

The Language of Co-Sleeping

2009-07-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

Do you "co-sleep" with your baby or have you "not got it out of your bed yet"?

The language that you use to talk about co-sleeping is loaded with connotations, both positive and negative. Co-sleeping has an image problem but those of us who have researched it know that when practiced safely, it is just as valid a choice as separate sleeping (which must also be practiced safely). I have noticed that, because of the image problem, Cave Father and I can be rather sheepish when we talk about co-sleeping.

We have nothing to be ashamed about, and I kick myself every time I speak apologetically about my choice to co-sleep. For it is a choice I have made, in full possession of my faculties. I know the advantages (more sleep, no getting up, more breastfeeding, less bedtime stress, more securely attached child, better support for sleeping infant's natural physiology) and the disadvantages (more frequent waking, less freedom to move in bed, fewer mummy and daddy cuddles, difficulty transitioning child into own bed).

It is not as if I shout from the rooftops about our co-sleeping. I never introduce it into a conversation. Most people wouldn't be interested anyway. But if somebody asks me how Cave Baby is sleeping, I will mention it. I don't think it should be kept as a guilty secret. The more people talk openly about co-sleeping, the less strange it will seem (and research does show that a lot of people do it but don't admit to it). If it is acceptable to talk about cots in a conversation, I don't see why I should blush at the mention of co-sleeping.

You can convey so much information about the acceptability of co-sleeping in the way you talk about it. The phrases "she's still in our bed" or "she still sleeps with us" both imply that co-sleeping is just a failure to move the child into a cot. They both say that the bed belongs to the parents and the child is no more than an interloper. They both sound apologetic. They invite further questioning: when are you going to move her out?

I prefer a phrase that communicates the fact that we have made a positive decision to sleep with our baby: "we co-sleep" or "we bedshare". Both imply that we are all equal partners in this arrangement: we "share" a bed rather than "letting her sleep in our bed". But my favourite way of putting it is: "she sleeps beside me". It is an accurate description of what happens. It conjures up a rather lovely image of a little baby curled up next to its mama, and I think it conveys the fact that we have made a positive decision to respond to our daughter's need for company at night.

If you co-sleep, do you find yourself apologising for it? And if you choose to sleep separately, do you find that other people apologise for it when they admit it to you?

I Heart My Ring Sling

2009-07-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of a love affair... with my ring sling. It is just the most useful thing ever. I have a sling like this:

...but I covet one like this:

It is perfect for a quick trip out of the house, to the park or the shops. People can't resist talking to my baby because she's right there at eye level with them. When she gets tired in the house I just scoop her up and load her in the sling and she's pacified. I can clean, wash dishes and cook with her in it, and if there are knives about or the stove is on I just swing her round behind my arm where she can't reach anything. She associates the sling with going to sleep and she's usually off within ten minutes when I feed her down for her naps. I can pop it in my bag and take it out with me when I know I'm going to have to get her to sleep. She even slept through an entire airport experience, from check-in to boarding, in the comfort of her ring sling. And it must be easy to use, because even Cave Father has finally come round to using it.

It should be writ large in every baby book. Get yourself a ring sling! Your baby will love it, you will love carrying your baby in it, and it will make your life so much easier!

The Continuum Concept - Jean Liedloff

2009-07-08T02:26:00.000-07:00

I scarcely felt I needed to read this book since I have seen so many quotes and reviews in all the attachment parenting literature that I have read. In fact I feel that it has become a bit of an attachment parenting cliche to justify any childcare practice by saying that the Yequana people of South America do it. But, nevertheless, rather than prejudging, I thought I should read the book and make up my own mind.

So, if you have not already heard of it, The Continuum Concept is one of the original attachment parenting texts: it is a parenting classic. It came out in 1975 after the author, Jean Liedloff, spent two and a half years living in the South American jungle with a tribe called the Yequana. She observed that they had a much greater sense of well-being than was customary in the West and, through her observations of their lifestyle, concluded that it was the way they raised their children that gave them this greater self esteem.

The idea of the "continuum concept" is basically to live the life that evolution prepared us for. She argues that evolution has honed humans to occupy a specific ecological niche and that in order to make the most of our bodies and minds, we need to live in the conditions that evolution has led us to expect. In particular, she says that if babies meet conditions that are not as they expected, they cannot fully develop and mature. The conditions that babies expect, she says, are constant carrying during the day and co-sleeping at night. The "in-arms" phase, as she calls it, lasts until the baby can crawl, from which point it should be allowed to explore its surroundings without restriction.

She goes on to describe how just about every human failing can be traced back to a break in an individual's continuum. Since virtually everyone in the West has a wonky continuum, due to an unfulfilled in-arms phase, we have totally lost sight of what "healthy" is. For us, "normal" is broken.

Actually I agree with her theory that in order to develop healthily, we should bring up our babies as our ancestors did. I think she is quite right that it must be damaging to live outside of the niche that we evolved to occupy. At the very least, it must make it very difficult for us to completely fulfill our potential. Humans are designed to be carried as babies and we are designed to co-sleep (why else would we synchronise our breathing with our parents?). Cots and prams are modern inventions which are totally baby-unfriendly, but to say so out loud in Britain is to be looked upon as some kind of weird extremist.

However, if I wanted to be cynical about this book then there is a lot to be cynical about. For a start, how does she know that the Yequana people are happy because of their childhoods? Could it not be because of the food they eat or the surroundings they live in? Everything about their lives is so very different to ours that our differences cannot be pinned down just to our childrearing techniques. Her arguments really hit the buffers when she admits that the neighbouring Sanema tribe, who also live by the continuum, have a habit of raiding their nearby villages, stealing their women and slaughtering their menfolk. I can see why she kept that one quiet until the end of the book. But I suspect that if I voiced my misgivings to Jean Liedloff she would say, "Ah, but you would say that because your continuum is broken so you don't understand." She really has the perfect argument - everyone in the West is damaged so none of us are qualified to disagree with her.

The book might be flawed but that doesn't really matter, because it has provided a great talking point for over 30 years, and I am sure that Jean Liedloff is quite satisfied with that. It might not be a cast iron theory, but she planted a seed that has grown into attachment parenting with its central tenets of babywearing, co-sleeping and breastfeeding. As a scientific argument, it didn't really work for me. But as a piece of history, as a hugely influential text, it was definitely worth reading. If you have seen the quotes and heard the theory then I would recommend giving the original book a go.

My Baby is Crawling!

2009-07-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

Cave Baby is crawling. Not just shuffling a bit, we're talking really crawling now, on the other side of the room if I turn my back, trying to pull electrical plugs out if I leave her for 30 seconds. Her world has expanded from zero dimensions (a point), through one dimension (a line), right to two dimensions (a plane). And with her already pulling herself up against furniture, she's nudging that third dimension too.

This is such a sea-change. I feel like I'm having to learn to be her mum all over again. I am trying to imagine how incredibly exciting it must be to go from sitting like a blob in the middle of a room to being able to reach anything and everything you want. I'm trying to think of times when my own freedom underwent a step change: when I first started taking the bus; when I learnt to drive; when I left home. But none of it can compare to the hugeness of going from not moving to moving. And it certainly makes me feel proud as a mum. I made that baby, and look at her now, mobile as a, erm, mobile thing. She's developing! She's just like all the other babies! She is my baby and she is the cleverest, most surprising, most unique little baby on the planet!

Now, let me go and belatedly baby proof this death trap of a house.

Singing In The Rain

2009-07-03T06:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you've just to get out of the house, you know? It had been stormy this morning but at lunchtime it was only spitting so I thought it would be OK, weather-wise, and we trotted down to the park, both in our summer dresses and Cave Baby riding on my hip in a cotton ring sling. And the park was deserted because of the weather but we had a lovely time although the rain did seem to be getting a bit harder. It had definitely moved on from spitting to just plain raining. In time it got hard enough for me to think that we'd better set off home before we got too wet so I sheltered under a tree to put the babe back in her sling: holding an umbrella and loading up a baby is beyond me. A couple of minutes later the heavens really opened and it all started feeling a bit futile.

When it rains I am programmed to try and keep myself dry. You know how it is, frizzy hair and wet shoes. Not good. But do you know that point when you get so wet that you realise that it doesn't matter any more? That the damage is done, so you may as well just enjoy it? It is a great feeling. Cave Baby was grinning from ear to ear as she watched the rain bouncing off the path in front of us. Water was sloshing out of my shoes with each step but for once I was able to stop worrying and embrace the moment. I felt happy and it was a nice change because I had been all ready to write a post about how glum in spirit I had been, what with the feeling of my baby growing up and me doubting whether she really needs me any more (she is crawling, eating well, drinking from a lidded beaker, pulling herself to her feet, cutting down to one nap a day and almost sleeping through the night).

I know she does need me really, but I have just been doubting myself and feeling that she was accomplishing all these things despite me rather than because of me. And since I have to meet with my PhD supervisor soon and break the news that I am not going to continue with it (because I think I will try to write up an MPhil based on one day a week's work), I am once again cross-examining my decision not to go back to work in favour of staying home to look after my daughter. On top of all this I am feeling a bit lonely because I have had my man every day for a whole two weeks while we were on holiday, and now we are back in the usual evenings only routine.

But then you get a good night's sleep and you go out and have a nice time in the rain, and everything feels a lot better. So I'm fine actually, and I think I might be finally resolving to actually try hard to get this MPhil done so that I will have a shiny new qualification when the time does come to look for a real job.

The Unbearable Heaviness of Boobs

2009-07-01T04:40:00.000-07:00

Why do I get this agitated antsy feeling when my boobs are getting full of milk? I can't concentrate. I stop anything touching my breasts so as not to bruise them in their firm ripeness. My mind keeps wandering back to milky thoughts. I wonder when my baby is going to wake up. Basically, I can't think about anything except breastfeeding. This is not an ideal situation since full boobs combined with milky thoughts tend to produce an embarrassing shirt wetting letdown.

I certainly don't physically feel any different when my breasts are full. They are not tender or sore. I only know they are full by touching them and feeling the hard bumpy texture, the rocks-in-the-bra effect.

I wonder if my full boob anxiety is purely psychological, a syndrome that I have developed because I know that I put myself in danger of suffering blocked ducts and the like if I allow my breasts to become engorged. Or, I wonder, does it have a physiological root? There are mechanisms that regulate milk production in the human breast, slowing the production down as the breast fills up. One protein that we produce is called FIL (feedback inhibitor of lactation). FIL works by the process of negative feedback: it is produced at the same time as milk, so the longer you go without removing the milk from the breast, the more the FIL builds up. The more FIL is present, the slower the production of milk. When you breastfeed, the FIL is removed from the breast along with the milk. Perhaps the presence of the FIL in my body has some small effect that tells my brain that I need to empty my breasts.

Or maybe I want to breastfeed because my body is accustomed to its regular fix of oxytonin and prolactin, the two hormones that are stimulated by suckling. Perhaps I am addicted to the hormones of lactation.

Or is it possible that I have a psychological addiction to the regular comforting ritual of breastfeeding?

It really wouldn't surprise me if the human body, in all its wonderful interconnected cleverness, had figured out a way to make a lactating woman feel an urge to breastfeed when her breasts became overfull. Just as prolactin promotes a feeling of calmness and well-being during and after a breastfeed, it would make sense that a chemical of lactation regulation might promote the urge to nurse.

Does anybody else experience the same mildly anxious feelings when a feed is overdue?

Back To Life

2009-06-29T03:19:00.000-07:00

Gorging on windfallen apricots. Picking gooey handfulls of tree ripened black cherries. Buying buttery pain au chocolat and pain aux raisins for breakfast. Watching Cave Baby chomp determinedly through chunks of baguette. Getting our faces covered in sticky melon juice. Stopping in the street every few minutes for a passer by to coo at Cave Baby. Dunking Cave Baby in a mountain lake.

These are the most memorable bits from our first holiday as a family. We were in southern France, on the edge of the Pyrenees. It was hard work, because I hadn't realised how much the usual day to day routine helps to keep my baby settled and calm. But she was an excellent traveller, going by plane, train and bus and hardly complaining. It was lovely to spend time as a family and I felt very sorry for Cave Father having to go back to work this morning. That is always the worst part of a holiday.

So it's back to normal life now, albeit with that funny feeling you get after a holiday that something at home ought to have changed while you were away.

Note on Recycling Week: Sorry, Cartside, I didn't know about Recycling Week until today. But here are some observations on recycling in France. Recycling facilities seem somewhat more accessible than here in Britain. In our village there were umpteen recycling bins for plastics, glass, paper, card, cartons, tins and cans. There was certainly a recycling point within a five minute walk of every house in the village. Having said that, I had a peek in the communal bin outside our rented house and people had dumped a lot of recyclable material in it - obviously a five minute walk is too much for some people. France really leads the way on reuse of plastic bags. For years, the big supermarkets have not given out free plastic bags. Because of this people really do make use of wicker baskets and plastic shopping bags. They have some nice funky shopping bags on sale - we bought one at a market. I know from experience that the reusable plastic bags the supermarkets sell are much better quality than the ones we get in Britain. We bought three bags from Intermarche three years ago, and we still use them for our supermarket visits today. But whenever I have bought a Tesco "bag for life", the handles have broken or the bag has ripped after only a couple of uses. To sum up: kerbside recycling collections are definitely the way to go, and when are the bloody supermarkets in Britain going to stop giving out free plastic bags? (Well done Marks and Spencers who already have).

Finally, thank you to All Grown Up for this award:

Unrealistic Expectations Of Little Babies

2009-06-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

New parents have such high expectations of their babies. Baby will be beautiful and perfect. Baby will cry only when it is hungry, cold or has wind. Baby will know its place in the family and will not be overly demanding of its parents. Baby will require food every three hours. Baby will give its parents an uninterrupted night's sleep from 6 months. Baby will quickly become independent and will allow its mother to resume her solo social engagements. The list goes on.

The people we talk to, the books we read and the television programmes we watch all reinforce these expectations. It is when a baby does not match up to these high expectations that we demand solutions: dummies to silence crying babies; hungry baby formula for babies who insist on eating too frequently; controlled crying for babies who refuse to sleep alone through the night. Again, the list goes on.

Yesterday morning, I became all too aware of the clash between expectations and reality. I am usually wary of recounting tales of people I know because their lives are private, but in this case I hope the mother in question will not mind, because she struggles to change society's attitude to babies just as I do. This woman is the mother of quite a difficult baby, much more demanding than my daughter, and like me she has become an attachment parent without really planning to. While I am fairly happy to follow a slightly different path to most of the mothers around me, she is very conscious that she is not following the "normal" rules of parenting. I sense that she struggles to reconcile her motherly instincts, which tell her to keep her baby by her side all day and night, with her expectations of how a mother "should" interact with her baby.

So, back to yesterday morning. My friend has worried before that her ten month old baby "should" be independent enough to spend a few hours away from his mother. A quick aside to this topic: I have read in a mainstream parenting magazine that it is "unhealthy" for the mother of a nine month old not to have left her baby with babysitters at some time. Well, call me unhealthy. I am downright sick. The longest I have left Cave Baby was for an hour and a half, with her grandma, while I had my hair cut. Look at me, I'm a bad mother, I'm giving my baby far too much attention, I'm making a rod for my own back!

Right, finally, yesterday morning. I was attending a meeting with my friend; we both had the option to put our babies in a creche or keep them with us. I do not think my daughter is ready for a creche but, with the weight of society's and her own expectations, my friend decided to try her son in it. Around five minutes into the meeting, I needed to pop into the room where the creche was being held. There I saw my friend's son, distraught, crying his eyes out for the simple want of his mother. The creche supervisors were doing as they had been told, trying to comfort him but not taking him through to his mum. I could have wept. I could have scooped him up into my arms and nursed him right there. I felt my breasts tingling with the need to suckle him as I did my best to turn my back and get out of the room as quickly as possible. I just could not be there. The physical need I felt to comfort that baby was unlike anything I have ever felt for any child but my own; a feeling that I had never felt before I became a mother. I was bursting to tell my friend, "Go through and get your baby. He really needs you. He doesn't need to learn to be without you; he'll get there by himself. At the moment he just needs your love. Please help him."

But what did I actually do? I sat down, lips sealed, behaving as I was expected to, disregarding an infant's needs in favour of those of a adult. Thankfully the poor child was brought into the meeting twenty minutes later, still screaming, with swollen red eyes. He calmed down on the breast but sobbed quietly for another half hour.

Too many of our expectations are not baby friendly. Just imagine if you could be stripped of those unrealistic Victorian expectations of children. Would you think that it was desirable to leave a ten month old to cry in a room full of strangers? I certainly would not. And to my friend: if you read this, I hope you do not mind me telling this story. You are a great, long suffering mother and I know that you have turned your life upside down to do the best for your child. I hope your story can help other people to feel that it is OK for their babies not to fit the standard model.

I am off on holiday for a fortnight now so thanks for reading and I'll be back soon!

Have Attached Baby, Will Travel

2009-06-09T04:43:00.000-07:00

Attachment parenting is not as difficult as some people make out. It is so natural, and it makes life with a baby easier in many ways. For example, when a baby is carried or worn, a parent can go wherever they like as long as it is accessible on foot. There are loads of jobs around the house, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, that a baby in a sling will really enjoy. Breastfeeding can be tough to establish but in time offers ultimate convenience. There is no bottle cleaning, no sterilising, no waiting for the milk to warm. A breastfeeding mother does not need to worry about being caught out with nothing for her baby to eat. And co-sleeping is the bedtime arrangement that, for thousands of years, has allowed mothers to get enough sleep. Without the disturbance of getting out of bed in the night, adults do not fully wake up so they can get back to sleep much more quickly after a night feed.

But attachment parenting practices come into their own when the family travels away from home. This is when the advantages really begin to stack up. And here they are:

Babywearing
Public transport is so much easier without a pushchair that car-free holidays become feasible. Travelling with just a sling or two cuts down on the amount of luggage you need to take, and makes it simpler to use buses, trains and planes. Getting through airport security is much more straightforward when you are not wielding a pushchair. The sling also provides a familiar haven for a child in unfamiliar surroundings, which can be a godsend when trying to get a baby to go to sleep.

Breastfeeding
There are so many advantages to breastfeeding when travelling that I don't know where to start. On long journeys, breastmilk is a permanently available foodstuff that needs no preparation and cannot be accidentally forgotten. Even older babies who eat solids will be satisfied with breastmilk until some solid food can be found. Suckling on a plane is useful to help babies' ears adjust to pressure changes, and the other passengers might be grateful for the breasts' quietening powers. A breastfeeding mother does not need to pack bottles, sterilising equipment or formula - this means she can travel lighter and has more flexibility in the types of accommodation she can use. Mum Kay McFerrin says:

"Thanks to breastfeeding, our little girl was a delightful travel companion. Monica was six months old [when she travelled], and still on just mother's milk. All she needed for the trip was her mother, some diapers, and a bathing suit... I had no worries such as what to do if the room doesn't have a refrigerator, or what if I don't take enough formula, or how will I warm the bottles, or how to take formula and feed baby away from the hotel." (The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, p86)

Co-sleeping
For any baby, home is wherever mum and dad are. But at night, in a strange cot in a strange room, it must be very frightening for a baby on holiday. Put that baby in bed with its parents and a night away from home becomes the same as any other night, and a welcome retreat into familiarity after the excitement of the day. Co-sleeping is so convenient for the parents as well. There is no need to worry about finding accommodation with a cot, or carrying a travel cot. As long as there is somewhere for the adults to sleep, there is somewhere for the baby to sleep too. Deborah Jackson has written:

"A child who sleeps with his parents at home can sleep with his parents anywhere. Strange surroundings do not prevent him dozing off, because his parents are not strange, and they are the most important constant in his life." (Three in a Bed, p240)

So there you have it - attachment parenting and travel are eminently compatible. Though I came to attachment parenting as a way to calm my fretful, demanding baby, I am utterly convinced that it is the most practical way for me to bring up my baby.

I fully intend to make the most of the advantages of attachment parenting when I take our family on holiday next week. If you're an old pro at this travelling-with-baby thing, I'd love your tips in the comments.

Photo credit: blogs.babiesonline.com

Swings: The First Time

2009-06-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

Many are the times that my baby and I have stood on the fringes of the park, watching the children play. On a recent occasion we noticed a little girl, who looked no older than Cave Baby, having a go on the swings. Upon further enquiry it emerged that the girl was indeed the same age as my little one. And since the aforementioned little girl appeared to having such a lovely time, we seized the day and Cave Baby was mounted upon the swings for her first ever taste of adrenalin.

And what a first taste it was. There were peals of spontaneous laughter, more glorious to a mother's ears than a skylark's song. There was joyous kicking of the legs and shaking of the arms, her whole body almost convulsing with the uncontainable excitement of it all. It was, in short, a success. Hurray for the swings!

If Women Were In Charge

2009-06-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

The Mosuo people of southern China have a matriarchal society. I came across a fascinating article on the German website Spiegel written by a male Argentinian writer, Ricardo Coler, who spent two months wth the Mosuo. Here are a few choice quotes for you to enjoy.

On whether the society is a feminist's paradise:

"I had expected to find an inverse patriarchy. But the life of the Mosuo has absolutely nothing to do with that. Women have a different way of dominating. When women rule, it's part of their work. They like it when everything functions and the family is doing well. Amassing wealth or earning lots of money doesn't cross their minds. Capital accumulation seems to be a male thing. It's not for nothing that popular wisdom says that the difference between a man and a boy is the price of his toys."

On the most astonishing thing about the culture:

"That there is no violence in a matriarchal society. I know that quickly slips into idealization - every human society has its problems. But it simply doesn't make sense to the Mosuo women to solve conflicts with violence. Because they are in charge, nobody fights. They don't know feelings of guilt or vengeance - it is simply shameful to fight. They are ashamed if they do and it even can threaten their social standing."

On love in the Mosuo society:

"The sexual life of the Mosuo is very distinctive and very active - partners are changed frequently. But the women decide with whom they want to spend the night. Their living quarters have a main entrance but every adult woman lives in her own small hut. The men live together in a large house. The door of every hut is fitted with a hook and all the men wear hats. When a man visits a woman, he hangs his hat on the hook. That way, everybody knows that this woman has a male visitor. And nobody else knocks on the door. If a woman falls in love, then she receives only the specific man and the man comes only to that woman."

On partnership:

"Love is more important for them than partnership. They want to be in love. The one reason to be with another person is love. They aren't interested in getting married or starting a family with a man. When the love is over, then it's over. They don't stay together for the kids or for the money or for anything else."

On fatherhood:

"There is a word [for fatherhood] but nothing like our concept of what a father should be. These duties are taken over by the mother or the family. Often, the women don't know which man is responsible for the pregnancy. So the children also don't know who their biological father is. But for the women it is usually not important because the men barely work and have little control over things of material value. The family is what's important and they would never separate themselves from it."

How different would our world be if women were in charge?

The full article can be found here.

Please Don't Make MMR Compulsory

2009-06-04T04:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday the papers reported that Sir Sandy Macara, the former chairman of the British Medical Association, has called for MMR (Measles, Mumps and Rubella) immunisation to be made compulsory for any child starting school in the UK. Apparently the government has also been seriously looking into this policy as a way of increasing the MMR uptake in the UK.

Here's my take on this. I support vaccination and I plan to have Cave Baby vaccinated against measles, mumps and rubella when she is a year old. She has received all the usual vaccinations thus far. In my judgement, the benefits of vaccination outweight the risks of complications resulting from immunisation. I am fortunate that I do not have to fear my daughter dying from typhoid, tuberculosis or diptheria. These diseases have virtually vanished because of immunisation.

I myself suffered from measles and mumps during childhood: I can remember them, and they were both very unpleasant illnesses, but thankfully nowhere near life threatening. Western medicine is very good at dealing with these illnesses and in this country few people die from them. But serious complications do occur and, particularly in developing countries, people die from measles.

The MMR/autism connection has been discredited. I would urge anybody who still believes that there is a connection, to read the academic literature themselves. Or read this article by Good Enough Mum, who is a GP and a mother of a child with an autistic spectrum disorder. It is easy to be swayed by the testimonials of individual parents whose children are affected by autism, but there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that the autism is related to the MMR vaccination. Autism symptoms have to emerge at some point: by pure coincidence, a certain proportion of parents will notice them soon after the MMR jab. Unfortunately, too many of these parents then conclude that the immunisation was responsible.

It is perhaps easy to take the view that measles and mumps are so rare these days that immunisation is unecessary. If everybody took that view, the diseases would quickly become common again. So I feel my decision to immunise is best for my child but also beneficial for the rest of society. Taking a global perspective, Europe's low MMR vaccination rate means that we are an exporter of measles to the rest of the world: we are responsible for causing outbreaks of measles in other countries. It is all very well if we take measles to a country with good healthcare and nutrition, but by exporting cases of measles to developing countries we bring about deaths.

I would concede that there is perhaps something to be said for delaying vaccinations. It seems intuitively wrong to overload a young baby's immune system with a variety of diseases, even if they have been reduced to weak strains. But that is a separate debate.

Having said all of this in support of the MMR vaccine, I would be strongly opposed to any move by the government to make it compulsory for all schoolchildren (as is the case in the US). In this country the government has historically allowed parents to make their own decisions about their own children's upbringing. Whilst I might disagree with parents who choose not to vaccinate, I recognise their right to make their own decisions based on their own priorities and experience. The government can campaign for us to vaccinate, but forcing us to do it would be one step too far. If they did, I think there would suddenly be a lot of parents choosing to home educate. So please, UK government, invest time and money into educating parents about vaccination but do not - for a moment - think that it is acceptable for you to dictate how we raise our children.

A Mother's Sleep

2009-06-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

Think you wouldn't be able to sleep through a crying, wriggling child lying right beside you? Think again. The hot weather we have been having in Britain has an interesting effect on me: it makes me sleep like a log. Cave Father rolls about all hot and sweaty while I am comatose on the other side of the bed. Between us, Cave Baby cries for boob; I sleep on. Her daddy does wake up, fortunately, and guides her mouth to my breast; I sleep on.

What about that, Deborah "breastfeeding women don't enter the fourth and deepest stage of sleep" Jackson? Not sure what this says about my close attached relationship with my daughter though!

Nine Months In, Nine Months Out

2009-06-02T04:08:00.001-07:00

This morning I realised that we had missed Cave Baby's nine month birthday on Sunday. Not that nine months is a particularly important milestone - but it did occur to me that she has now been out in the world for as long as she was inside me. Nine months in the tum, nine months out of the tum. A wonderful symmetry.

So this thought, and reading Monkey's birth story on That's Not My Monkey, inspired me to write something about Cave Baby's birth.

I had been in the early stages of labour for around 30 hours when we called a midwife to our house. Before she arrived I had been labouring in the bath, so I was stark naked, kneeling on the bedroom floor when she came in. "Oh, we're having a baby", she announced as she saw me. At that point I was only 4cm dilated and I laboured on in the bath for another couple of hours. I can remember that time quite well: with every contraction, I leaned forward to put my head on the bath taps and I kept banging my forehead. I was using gas and air and it felt pretty ineffective, though it must have been doing something because I was literally pulling my hair out before I started on it, and afterwards I wasn't.

I spent another hour or two on my knees in the bedroom and this period really is hazy. I only remember the occasions when I was interacting with other people: when the midwife called the hospital to tell them to put an ambulance on standby because my waters were stained with fresh meconium; when I peed in a bucket because I couldn't imagine getting up to go to the toilet; when the midwife asked me if I wanted to push.

There was about an hour of pushing before Cave Baby emerged. I found this stage much less painful than the first stage of labour. Whilst I had visualized each first stage contraction as a huge hot fire, the second stage contractions were like a line of gas burners lighting up in a row across my back. Each push was a gust of air whooshing through the fires and casting them aside. I felt like an athlete. Half way through the pushing stage I abandoned the gas and air because I was worried it would impair my performance (seriously. That is a glimpse into the strange mind of the labouring woman).

I felt the baby's head crowning (not painful, just a strong sensation). I felt the baby turning inside me to get her shoulders through ("The baby's moving! The baby's moving!" - probably the first thing I had said for hours). And I remember her skidding out of me, and the midwives catching her and wrapping her in a towel before passing her through my legs so I could hold her for the first time.

I wish I could remember it more clearly. Everything is so fuzzy. And I wish we had taken some photographs of those first few moments. But I am thankful that she arrived safely and that I was also well. I am grateful that I had wonderful midwives who did not transfer me to hospital, despite the meconium (though we did have an ambulance at our house for the last half hour of labour). The lovely midwives followed my birth plan exactly, letting me do whatever the heck I wanted during labour, delaying cutting the cord until it had stopped pulsating, and allowing me to deliver the placenta naturally.

An hour or so after the birth I was sat up in bed, feeding my baby and chatting to the midwife who had to stay for two hours. I remember thinking, "I gave birth a hour ago and here I am wracking my brains to come up with entertaining smalltalk at 6 in the morning."

I was so lucky to have such a great birth experience.

May in Review

2009-06-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

It's June already! I can't believe it. So, thanks again to Holistic Mama, here is my May in Review.

Summary
May has gone so quickly I can barely recall it. We are getting increasing amounts of sleep, including a couple of memorable six hour uninterrupted stints. I am loving my breastfeeding peer supporter training where I get to spend time with other mothers who share my values and attitudes towards children.

Fun
Feeding Cave Baby strawberries and watching her eat them like apples.

Challenging
Cave Father sometimes gets fed up with his job, and I feel guilty that I stay at home with our baby without contributing financially.

Thoughtful
I do not want to miss a second of my daughter's first year so I am making a conscious effort to be calmer and more present in each moment.

An insight/thought
Through the act of becoming a mother, we learn so much more about our own mothers.

Website/blog Find/Tip or Idea from web
I've been enjoying discovering breastfeeding blogs like
Breastfeeding Moms Unite, Breastfeeding Mums Blog and one of those women.

Words (quote/reading/book recommendation/1 sentence review!/anything word-related)
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is the book of your grandmother's homely advice on babies, and every pregnant woman should read it.

Note to Self
Stop worrying about the future!

Slice of home (A photo of a tiny corner of your home, or objects, that represent something about this month)

Finger painting!

My Dark Secret

2009-05-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

OK, here it is: I have not read any Dr Sears book. Or indeed any book on attachment parenting. Yet I call myself an attachment parent. How can this be?

Well, first of all there is my aversion to "how to" books. In general I hate people telling me what to do. Since I was a child I have always preferred to figure things out myself. I have always leaned towards studying scientific subjects because I enjoy the fact that if you learn a few basic principles, you can usually work out the more complicated stuff for yourself. So I love reading anthropology, psychology and biology but I am wary of any books on parenting methodology.

Secondly, there was my fear when I was expecting Cave Baby that reading about parenting would somehow jinx the outcome of my pregnancy. The only book I brought home for us to read was the most basic, pared down guide to babies that I could find. With hindsight, I wish that I had read more, so I might have had a few more ideas of what to do when my baby would not stop crying and would not sleep. But it is questionable what can really be learned from a book. Having a first baby is a massive shock even to a well prepared family.

Thirdly, I am slightly uncomfortable about the label "attachment parent". It is a label I very rarely use. I use it on this blog because it is the quickest way of conveying to a reader what type of parent I am trying to be. In truth, I don't really know what "attachment parent" means. I know there are eight (or is it ten?) principles of attachment parenting, though I can't remember what they are. I know that lots of people who follow it also co-sleep, breastfeed and wear their babies in slings. And I know that it is based on more natural, intuitive ways of bringing up children than is the norm in our culture. I am wary of using the label "attachment parent" with people who are not familiar with what it means because I feel the word "attachment" has some negative connotations in some people's minds. "Attachment" implies clingy children wrapped around their mother's legs, whereas it really refers to a close, secure relationship between child and caregiver. I am also aware that lots of parents who have never heard of the concept are just as securely "attached" in their relationships with their children as any "attachment parent". I am wary of putting people into boxes.

Now despite not reading his books, I do have to admit that I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I discovered Dr Sears' website back in the darkest days of caring for the three month old Cave Baby. It was the first time I had read about babies who were as difficult to soothe as my baby, and the first time I had come across the label "high needs baby". With the help of the web, Dr Sears' influence extends far beyond those who have actually read the books.

So, if you are still reading, please tell me why I should go out and buy a book on attachment parenting. Seriously. I would probably enjoy reading it and my preconceptions about such books being too preachy and instructional are probably wrong. Are they interesting reads in themselves, regardless of the advice they give? All comments will be gratefully received.

Oh, and Earthenwitch seems to share some of my reservations about parenting books in this post, which you might also find interesting.

Cortisol: Friend or Foe?

2009-05-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

The much studied and much misunderstood hormone cortisol is generally an unwelcome visitor to a baby's developing brain. But research has show that as the child grows up, the brain actually requires small amounts of cortisol to mature. This is the final post in a series of three that I have written about an infant's brain development after reading Sue Gerhardt's excellent book "Why Love Matters".

Babies and toddlers rely on adults to regulate their emotional state. That is one of the reasons why it is so important for a child to have a constantly present attachment figure, though this does not necessarily have to be a parent. The child's very survival depends upon the attachment figure and consequently the child is extremely sensitive to the positive and negative messages given by the adult.

A parent's positive face tiggers off a pleasurable reaction in a baby. The baby's heart rate increases, and beta-endorphin and dopamine are released. Beta-endorphin is an opioid and dopamine is a stimulant so both make the baby feel good. Both also help the young baby's brain to grow by increasing the brain's uptake of glucose. This is why positive interaction with a young baby is so vitally important.

But the flip side of the baby's pleasurable reaction to a happy face is its negative reaction to an angry or sad face. Seeing a negative expression on its parent's face is itself a stressful event for a baby, triggering the baby's stress response. The stress response is sometimes described as the HPA axis, which is shorthand for "hypothalamus triggers pituitary gland which triggers adrenal glands". Each of these glands produce hormones, the most famous of which is cortisol, produced by the adrenal glands. Although there are several hormones involved in the stress response, it is cortisol that is the most widely studied because it can be measured in saliva.

It is accepted that during babyhood, cortisol is detrimental to the development of a baby's brain. Since babies are unable to self-regulate their stress levels, they require their adult caregivers to repeatedly return them to a state of equilibrium by meeting their needs for food, comfort, safety and love. But in toddlerhood, something interesting happens to the role of cortisol in the child's brain. A toddler actually needs some cortisol to complete the development of their orbitofrontal cortex - the part of the brain that controls how the child responds to basic emotions such as fear and anger. Gerhardt explains:

"Increased levels of cortisol facilitate the growth of norepinephrine connections from the medulla up to the prefrontal cortex. This delivery of norepinephrine helps the orbitofrontal cortex to mature further in toddlerhood, by increasing blood flow to the area and by forming its links (via the hypothalamus) with the parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system is vital to the growing child, because this is the inhibitory system which enables the child to stop doing something and to learn what behaviour is unacceptable or dangerous."

The requirement for some brief does of cortisol coincides very neatly with the period in a child's life when it is becoming mobile and inquisitive, and often putting itself in danger. When the parents scold the child or simply stop it from doing something, their negative facial expressions set off the child's stress response, giving his body a quick shot of cortisol. However, too much cortisol would still be bad for the developing brain and so it is important that the parents once again restore the child to its emotional equilibrium state quickly.

Parents of toddlers apparently say "No" an average of once every nine minutes - but at least they can do it in the knowledge that they are performing an essential role in their child's development!

"Why Love Matters" is divided into three sections on brain development, the consequences of a dysfunctional childhood, and the way forward. The three posts I have written have all been based on material from the first section on normal infant brain development. But the whole book is a fascinating read and I would wholeheartedly recommend it. And if you have any book recommendations of your own, please tell me in the comments - I would love to read more well thought out, well researched books on parenting.

If you enjoyed this post, you may like to read the earlier posts on the book: Why Are Human Infants Born So Prematurely and Why It Is Wrong To Leave A Young Baby To Cry.

You Are Right Mr Ballard

2009-05-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

Inspiration about parenthood can come from the unlikeliest of sources.

From the first chapter of J.G. Ballard's autobiography, Miracles of Life:

"My closest family were an English faimly called the Kendall-Wards... There were three brothers, whom I remember well, but it was the parents who made a powerful and lasting impression on me... he and his wife were free spirits who rarely mixed on a social level with other British residents... The Kendall-Ward home was the complete opposite of 31 Amherst Avenue [Ballard's home], and an influence that lasted all my life... Relations between parents and children were far more formal in the 1930s and 1940s, and our house reflected this, an almost cathedral-like space of polished parquet floors and blackwood furniture. By contrast the Kendall-Ward home was an untidy nest, full of barking dogs, arguing amahs and the sound of Mr Kendall-Ward's power saws slicing through plywood, the three brothers and myself roller-skating through the rooms and generally runing wild. I knew that this was the right way to bring up children. Appearances counted for nothing, and everyone was encouraged to follow their own notions, however hare-brained. Mrs Kendall-Ward openly breastfed her baby, something only Chinese women did.... Her kindness and good nature I remember vividly some seventy years later. I was rarely unhappy at home, but I was always happy at the Kendall-Wards, and I think that I was aware of the difference at the time."

I want to be like the Kendall-Wards.

Pictures of Breastfeeding? Gosh, Take Them Away

2009-05-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

A local NHS (National Health Servive) trust came under fire this week for featuring, among its breastfeeding awareness material, a picture of a child pretending to nurse. This picture was deemed unacceptable because it might cause offence to mothers who had been unsuccessful at breastfeeding. And Amanda of mmmm mama made a comment recently about how it is slightly taboo for happily breastfeeding mothers to sing the praises of breastfeeding lest they should step on the toes those who have chosen not to. How has the human race, whose females are equipped with mammary glands for the express purpose of feeding its young, possibly got itself into this ridiculous situation? Why would any mother be offended by a picture of a child breastfeeding, or another mother talking about it?

First of all, I must state some caveats. I am a breastfeeding mother. Though I have been extremely lucky to have had no major problems, I know lots of other women who have overcome serious challenges to establish breastfeeding. I know it can be very difficult. I also go to several baby groups and I am friends with mothers who bottle feed. They are good mums who love their babies and try to do the best for them. Although I support breastfeeding, I have nothing against mothers who formula feed. If we were to debate our feeding choices then we might disagree, but I do not seek confrontation like that. I know that breast milk is nutritionally superior to formula milk and provides better immunological protection to babies. For these reasons, I think we have a duty to encourage mums-to-be to breastfeed. I would like to understand how non-breastfeeding mothers feel when they see breastfeeding awareness posters, talk to breastfeeding mothers or read pro-breastfeeding writing. In the article below I have tried to imagine how I would feel if I was put in a variety of situations. Others may have very different feelings - I can only speak for myself.

I'm going to assume that breastfeeding mothers are not offended by the promotion of breastfeeding. That means it is the mums who either choose not to breastfeed, or ran into problems that meant they stopped, or simply could not breastfeed. I will first consider the mothers who are physically incapable of breastfeeding. There are several reasons why a woman might be genuinely unable to feed her child herself including illness, a pre-existing medical condition, previous breast surgery and having a very premature baby. I feel very sorry for any woman who would have liked to breastfeed but could not. It must be hard to come to terms with, and it must be painful to see and hear about breastfeeding when you so desperately wanted to do it yourself. But if I was in this position I cannot believe that I would be offended by discussion of breastfeeding. Of course I would not be so insensitive as to whitter on for hours about nursing with a friend who was unable to breastfeed, in the same way that I would not ramble for hours about pregnancy with a friend who was unable to have children. But we would be doing a huge disservice to the next generation of babies if we were to suppress the pro-breastfeeding message in order to spare the feelings of this very small minority of mothers (and I must not forget the fact that a mother who is unable to breastfeed might still be very pro-breastfeeding).

So I will move on to another group of mothers - those who have encountered problems that forced them to stop nursing before they wanted to, and those who think that their bodies are not capable of feeding their babies, but who are really the victims of a lack of support and information. How many first-time mothers have tried to breastfeed in hospital, found the support woefully lacking and concluded that they are unable to nurse? I imagine that in this position I would feel sadness, anger and bitterness. It is understandable that some people direct this anger towards the people who encouraged them to breastfeed. The tragic case of Katy Isden, who committed suicide four months after giving birth to a baby boy, is one example of how the blame for post-natal depression is sometimes heaped at the door of the pro-breastfeeding authoroties. Katy was known to be experiencing difficulties with breastfeeding but the sensationalist media wasted no time in putting two and two together to make five, reporting that her suicide came about because of the pressure she was under to breastfeed. There was absolutely no evidence to suggest that this was the case. Post-natal depression can strike any new mother, and breastfeeding is widely believed to have a role in preventing its occurrence. Difficulties in breastfeeding may well contribute to post-natal depression but that is no reason to stop encouraging new mothers to breastfeed. Rather, it shows that they need more support to help them succeed.

The lack of support received after birth can have far-reaching consequences in a breastfeeding relationship. There are mothers who manage to breastfeed for several weeks or months despite experiencing sore nipples which could have been prevented if they had been instructed in correct positioning and attachment. There are mothers who struggle to produce enough milk for their babies because they were encouraged to supplement their milk with formula during the crucial first fortnight, when the milk supply is being established. It might appear as if these mothers have nursed successfully, but it is no wonder that they may feel disillusioned and bitter towards the people who encouraged them to breastfeed if their own experiences have been painful and unhappy.

So I can understand why a mother who wanted to breastfeed, but was not adequately supported, might direct her ill-feeling towards the breastfeeding lobby. She may be saddened or angered by another mother talking positively about breastfeeding. But once again I do not feel that this is sufficient reason to suppress the pro-breastfeeding message. Many (possibly most) of the breastfeeding peer supporters at my local Children's Centre had very difficult experences with their first baby, but went on to breastfeed subsequent children successfully and became very vocal advocates of nursing.

The final group of women is those who choose to formula feed. Some people make this decision with full knowledge of the drawbacks of formula feeding compared to breastfeeding. Whilst I might not agree with their choice, I respect their right to make the decision that is most appropriate for their family. I cannot see how a fully informed woman in this situation can object to anybody else promoting breastfeeding. Research has proven the superiority of breastfeeding for babies' health, but presumably a mother who makes an informed decision to formula feed has judged that, on balance, her family will benefit more if she feeds from bottles. She would also have been aware, before making her decision, that she would continue to see posters about breastfeeding and socialise with breastfeeding women. If I had made such a decision, perhaps these constant reminders would make me feel guilty. But the decision would have been my own, and any negative feelings I had would be my own responsibility.

Unfortunately there are many people who make the decision to feed formula milk without being fully informed, or because they are virtually forced to by their close family. Some inherit prejudices against breastfeeding from the people around them. And there are those who do not give much thought to the decision, and feed formula because it is more familiar to them than breastfeeding. These people would certainly benefit from better antenatal education so that their decision could be made with the benefit of greater knowledge. To really make a difference to breastfeeding rates, the information must also be disseminated beyond the pregnant woman, to her partner and family. I do empathise with those who initially choose formula but later wish they had tried breastfeeding; it is a shame that this is an irreversible decision. Feelings of guilt for not breastfeeding must be hard to shake off, especially when the mother is exposed to pro-breastfeeding information. But I would repeat again that it is wrong to avoid promoting breastfeeding just to spare the feelings of mothers who feel guilty for their choices. It would be better to educate pregnant women more comprehensively so that the guilt scenario could be avoided in future mothers.

Normal human sensitivity must be employed whenever we talk about breastfeeding. Though there are hard facts that prove that breast is the ideal food for babies, it is completely wrong to judge or voice disapproval about mothers who formula feed. They may have very good and complex reasons for doing so. But any formula feeding mother who does take offence at the promotion of breastfeeding should also consider why she is offended, and if her offence really justifies the denial of breastfeeding information to mothers-to-be.

The solution to the whole unhappy situation would be to properly educate pregnant women about their feeding choices and provide robust, reliable support for new mothers who want to breastfeed. This is surely the only way to ensure that mothers are confident in the feeding decisions they make, and that women who want to breastfeed are successful. The mummy wars would not even exist if we were all truly happy with our choices.

A Manifesto for Living Like I Am On Holiday

2009-05-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

Holidays are so flipping relaxing! Every time I return home I wonder how I can make my normal day to day life more like those fun times away. Our little family had a gorgeous weekend away recently, the first since we were blessed with our little Cave Baby, and this time I have vowed to do actually do something to make my life more like a holiday. Not too much - it has to be manageable within my normal routine. So here are my promises for how I will try to bring more calmness and happiness to our home:

1. Switch the TV off and fill the house with music instead. This is a two-in-one promise but they kind of go together, unless I just want crystal clear silence. Just now I am listening to Rufus Wainwright for the first time in nine months, and it is already making me feel happy. I spent all my time until the age of about 22 enveloped by music, but entering the world of work seemed to call a premature halt to all that and I fell into the all-too-easy habit of switching the television on. So, since music makes me feel good, I shall listen to it more.

2. Walk more slowly. Why do I rush everywhere? Even when I am walking down to the shops I overtake people and boil with frustration when I get stuck behind a couple of slowcoaches. This is no way to live! I think this promise may be more to do with changing my state of mind than changing my actual walking pace. Brisk walking is perfect to keep me fit, but there is no point in counteracting the health benefits by getting stressed when I have to slow down. Even if I happen to be rushing to make an appointment, a baby provides the perfect excuse for being late. Nobody expects a harassed mother to be on time for everything.

3. Read more. Reading is so much more satisfying than watching television. As a means of escapism, it is far superior. And despite requiring more mental exertion, it seems to leave the mind much more relaxed than an hour staring at a screen. On the face of it, my days would not appear to include many opportunities for reading. But when I have a really good book on the go I always manage to find time to read. There are times when Cave Baby is asleep, and times when she is going to sleep; times when she is playing with her daddy, and even times when she is in the mei-tai and I am waiting for a train. And to tackle the problem of my book never being near me when I want to read it, I will try to have a downstairs book and a different bedside book.

4. Smell the flowers. I mean literally, smell the flowers (and grass and mud and trees). It makes me feel so much better! It takes so little effort to pop outside for ten minutes and potter around the garden or walk around the block, but it calms me and Cave Baby absolutely loves it. So, whilst the weather is warm and clement enough to go outside in the evening, I will try to incorporate a little wander into our bedtime routine.

Right, that's it. Four small things that can hopefully make my life a little bit more joyful. And maybe by writing them down for all to see I can make myself hold to these promises.

The Real Benefits of Breastfeeding

2009-05-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Many people who stumble across this blog will also be readers of PhD in Parenting. But for anybody who isn't, there is a fantastic, authoritative article on the benefits of breastfeeding that is really worth a read. Like the author, I have often been confused by the many claims and counter claims about the relative benefits of breast and formula feeding. Unlike the author, I have not scoured the academic literature to pinpoint exactly what the real facts are. Read it: you will be amazed.

Top Ten Baby Things That You Do Not Need

2009-05-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

The future parent is such a soft target for the multi million pound baby-stuff industry: so clueless, yet so eager to do the best for their baby. But I am sure of this: buying lots of stuff for your baby does not equate to being a good parent. And here are the top ten things that I wish I had not wasted the Earth's resources on:

1. Scratch mitts

Before Cave Baby's birth I had no idea why you needed these, but I bought some anyway because it seemed like the thing to do (see also: baby hats). After Cave Baby's birth I still had no idea what they were for but I kept them in the drawer in case it dawned upon me one day. Now they have been given away to charity I still have not managed to figure out the point of these things. Do some babies scratch themselves a lot? Don't they just work the gloves off their hands? Can't you just trim their nails so they are too short to cause any damage? I don't get it.

2. Night nursing bras

The books tell you that you MUST wear a bra AT ALL TIMES following birth or your breasts will drop to the floor and never return. Well, they may drop to the floor and never return but a night bra isn't going to make much difference. I wore a night bra with breastpads for a couple of weeks after giving birth and can say that: (i) the breast pads usually fell out and I inevitably forgot to replace them after a feed anyway; and (ii) half the time my breasts fell out as well, nicking the delicate nipples on the elastic at the edge of the cup as they did so. In conclusion, a night bra is less than useless. Put a towel under you to catch milk instead.

3. Baby lotion

What is baby lotion for? I always assumed it was to moisturise the baby. But then my dad told me that they used to use it to clean my bottom when I was a baby. And I noticed that there were a million other products on the market that you were supposed to use to moisturise your baby. Is this a genuine mystery or am I just clueless?

4. Infacol/Gripe water

In my humble opinion, these preparations are nothing but cleverly marketed pharmaceutical quackery. We were told by the midwives at our antenatal classes that Infacol would be essential for those first few difficult nights. I duly went out and bought some before Cave Baby even arrived. Sure enough, she was inconsolable in the evening of her second day so we tried dosing her with Infacol. Did it make any difference? No. After using it for a couple of days I suddenly had a moment of clarity and wondered what the heck was I doing shoving bizarre white orange flavoured gloop down my precious newborn's neck. And I put her next to me in bed. Final score: co-sleeping 1, Infacol 0.

5. Baby hats

In my pregnant ignorance I bought a baby hat because it seemed to be what you were supposed to do. And Cave Baby did wear this hat during her first couple of days when she slept all alone in a moses basket. Then I read that you weren't meant to put hats on babies' heads indoors, and I got all confused. Meanwhile, almost every relation of ours bought Cave Baby a little cotton hat. Now I am not a hat person myself but even if I loved hats I don't think I would need twelve different ones, all in slightly different pink flowery designs. As soon as she was given a beautiful knitted pink bonnet I forgot about the naff cotton baby hats and used the knitted hat for the next six months.

6. Other baby toiletries

Baby bubble bath, baby bath oil, baby shampoo, baby talc, baby oil, baby lotion, baby cream etc etc. Since when did tiny babies get dirty enough to requite this kind of industrial cleaning? This might be just me, but I find that my baby spends the majority of her time inside clean clothes, in a clean house, with very little opportunity for dirt transference on or off her squishy pink body. I see no requirement to strip her body of its natural moisturising oils and replace them with nice smelling fake ones. Until she starts crawling around the garden and getting properly dirty, I will stick to cleaning her with plain water and plain water alone.

7. Thousands of breast pads

I believed the Mothercare catalogue. It said that in your first week after birth you would require 100 breast pads. 100! A bit of elementary arithmetic breaks that down to 14.29 a day! Or, 7.14 per breast per day, assuming you have two breasts. That is a lot of changes of breast pads. I only used about three per breast per day even in the early days before my milk flow had equalised to Cave Baby's needs. Am I lucky not to leak too much, or am I just really dirty? Maybe if you are bottle feeding you need this many to absorb the unused milk, but if that is the case then Mothercare should really state that in their advice in the catalogue. Here is my advice - buy one packet of disposable breast pads to use in the early weeks, then move on to washable ones which are much prettier, and don't resemble a sanitary towel quite so much.

8. Bibs in newborn size

What I cannot grasp about bibs is why bottle fed babies need them but breast fed babies don't. I didn't buy any bibs before Cave Baby was born but we were given tons of them. Most could be kept for when she began eating solids, but some were newborn size with a very small neck hole. So, hating to leave anything unused, I thought maybe I could use one to stop the newborn Cave Baby covering her clothes in sick. But then I ran into two difficulties: (i) it was impossible to predict when she would be sick, so she would basically have to wear a bib all the time; and (ii) when she was sick, it just ran down the bib and soaked into her clothes anyway. This was not a very successful experiment and the bibs were soon consigned to the charity pile.

9. Cotton buds

You know, the little plastic sticks with a swirl of cotton wool on each end? I know they are useful for putting on make up and taking off nail varnish. But what is their application as far as a baby is concerned? What part of a baby's body is too small to admit a normal sized ball of cotton wool but robust enough to withstand an invasion by one of these mini pugel sticks?

10. Breast shells

What a great idea. Shaped plastic cups that sit on your breasts, with a little hole for your nipples, catching any milky leakage for you to feed to your baby on a later occasion. There is only one problem. How the heck do you fit your ample breastfeeding bosom and a pair of these inside your bra? And how comically large will your chest look if you do manage to fit everything in? The mind boggles.

So glad I've got this off my chest! Have I missed anything?

One of the Joys of Co-Sleeping....

2009-05-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

...is being woken by your baby daughter with a huge wet raspberry blown right in your face.

This morning I was woken by her fidgeting at 7am but I pretended to be asleep in the hope that she might drop off for another hour. She kicked and rolled for a few minutes before turning to her daddy and staring at his peacefully sleeping face for a while. Feeling a little put out that her penetrative stare alone had not been enough to wake him, she decided to issue the aforementioned raspberry, packing in as much volume and spit as she could manage. He woke with a huge grin on his face.

Happy, tiring days.

Breastfeeding in Public

2009-05-14T04:36:00.000-07:00

If you believe that you should have the right to breastfeed your baby in public in the UK without any risk of interference then you should read this article. We have an opportunity to clarify the law regarding breastfeeding in public in the Government's new Equalities Bill. But at present, the proposed Bill does not go far enough to protect breastfeeding mothers. The problem concerns interference with a feeding mother: it does not state clearly whether it is illegal to approach her and ask her to stop feeding (as opposed to throwing her out of the building). To bring this to your MP's attention, there is a ready drafted letter on the link above: all you need to do is find your MP on findyourmp.parliament.uk and paste the drafted letter into an email. There is also a petition on number10.gov.uk that says:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to bring in new and specific legislation in England and Wales, to make it an offence to prevent a parent or caregiver feeding milk to a hungry child, in any location the child has a right to be. We also ask that this legislation makes it a specific offence to intimidate or harass the parent or caregiver feeding their child.

Click here to sign the petition.

Make democracy work! If you do feel strongly about your rights to feed in public, please take 5 minutes to sign the petition and send an email.