Leaving My Baby At Night

Readers, I need help. I'm in a dilemma. I just don't know whether I can leave my dear baby in the evening yet. I'd love to start a course that will involve roughly one evening out per month, but I just don't have any confidence that Cave Baby will allow her daddy to put her to sleep in the evening.

We are very attached. We spend all day together. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have left her with someone else for a few hours. She is gaining a sense of independence but that does not mean that she doesn't want her mummy there, watching her from a safe distance. And for my part I have grown used to being there with her, and I can feel antsy if I'm away from her for more than two or three hours.

There is obviously a balance to strike between my needs as an adult and hers as a baby that I brought into the world. I have parented her in an "attachment" style; I can't just bail out on her now. But if my desire to study means that she suffers an evening of stress, crying and wondering where her mummy is, then I don't think that's fair.

I sometimes wonder how different things would have been if we had had an "easier" baby. If Cave Father could walk her to sleep in a sling and then put her down to sleep on the bed, without her waking, then I wouldn't be in this dilemma. But we just don't have the luxury of that kind of arrangement. She wakes if she's moved. Therefore she has to go to sleep in the place where she is going to stay, and that currently means me nursing her to sleep in bed. She will sometimes oblige by dropping off in a pushchair, but that's not a given. His only other option would be to put her in bed, switch the lights off and sing to her until she gives in and goes to sleep. The problem is that there could be a lot of crying in the interim. And don't even mention controlled crying (or gradual withdrawal, which would amount to the same thing). She can cry for ages if we're there - I can only imagine the state she would get into if she was on her own. Aside from my ideological objections to sleep training, it doesn't seem worth the effort to deal with a problem that only presents itself once a month.

Maybe I should wait another year or so. But I hope that by then there might be another baby on the way, and I also believe in grabbing opportunities when they present themselves. An opportunity is staring me straight in the face and it kills me to say no to it.

Am I just worrying too much, or is this a situation that other mothers have found themselves in? This is the type of dilemma that many parents would laugh at, but to me it is very real. I genuinely don't want to cause upset to my baby, but I do want to pursue my interests. Aaahhh! Are there any attachment parenting whizzes out there that can sort me out?

Brain Fry

I was going to write something deep and meaningful about the over-idealisation of natural birth or perhaps my increasing understanding of my body's slow return to postpartum fertility.

But my brain is fried, so maybe you can help me answer life's really important questions, like:

Why am I wearing two pair of knickers? (OK, the answer is that Cave Baby offered me a pair when I had already put my pants on, and she said "Bum bum" so authoritatively that I had no choice but to put them on. Then I forgot and put my tights on top).

How do you keep a coat on a toddler who has learnt to take it off?

Is it a bad idea to let my toddler play with open boxes of breakfast cereal just so I can do the washing up?

And does the fact that I cleaned the living room yesterday have any bearing on the answer to the previous question?

Is singing the "Baa baa baa, baa Babybel" jingle all around the supermarket a sign of madness, or is it acceptable for those with small children?

Eating crisps with a fork: can anyone explain why?

Maybe you'll get something more coherent later in the week. Maybe not. Ta ta!

Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing

You can be as convinced of the benefits of natural parenting as you like, but don't you sometimes have moments when you wonder if things really will turn out all right? When little worries about being different start to snowball into bigger worries, and you need a boost to make you feel good about your choices? I just read a book that has given me that shot in the arm I needed. It's called Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing an was written by a lady called Sheila Kippley back in the late 1960s.

I've written before about how I am concerned about my continuing infertility following childbirth. I gave birth 18 months ago and have yet to see the return of my periods. So I went looking for more information on breastfeeding amenorrhea (absence of menstruation) and found this book that was recommended by La Leche League.

The book did not give me any more information on the biological mechanisms that are keeping me in amenorrhea. But what it did brilliantly was reassure me that my experience is completely normal for a mother following the "seven standards of ecological breastfeeding". More than this, it reminded me, on almost every page, that I am doing a good thing by giving my time, my love and my milk without restriction to my daughter.

So what are the seven standards? They are:

1. Breastfeed exclusively for the first six months, giving no water, juice or food;


2. Allow your baby to suckle for comfort as well as nutrition and do not restrict its time at the breast;


3. Don't use bottles or dummies;


4. Sleep with your baby at night;


5. Lie down with your baby to get it to sleep for a nap during the day;


6. Nurse frequently day and night and do not schedule feedings;


7. Avoid separation from your baby.

This programme is 99% effective in avoiding pregnancy for the first six months postpartum. After this, there is a 6% chance that a nursing mother will become pregnant before having a period. When menstruation resumes, infertility may still persist for several months. Most women can expect to go without periods for some time between nine and twenty months postpartum.

The figure of 14.6 months as the average length of amenorrhea originates from this book, and actually refers to mothers who are following the seven standards. The actual time you spend without periods can vary according to your body chemistry, age (older women go longer) and how much your baby likes sucking. I am unintentionally following the seven standards, I am 31 and I have a high needs baby who really likes suckling, so I guess it's no wonder that I'm coming in a little above average.

A thing many natural parenting books suffer from is the need to constantly justify why natural practices are good. Nobody ever questioned Gina Ford as to why it was good for a baby to sleep through the night at 6 weeks, but it seems that extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping need to be explained repeatedly. This book gets around this problem very neatly because it is actually about child spacing. It basically says, "If you want as long as possible without periods, this is what you do. Oh and by the way, this is a really good way to bring up your child." Science justifies the advice, but experience shows that it is a wonderful way to meet a child's emotional and physical needs. A long amenorrhea is clearly nature's way of allowing a woman's body to prepare for the next pregnancy, while giving her child as much time as possible with its mother before it has to compete for attention with the next baby. Evolution has made us this way because it helps us to survive, and this in itself is a good justification for following a natural parenting approach.

The book made me realise how much our attitudes towards natural parenting have changed in 40 years, but also how far we still have to go until these healthy practices are fully accepted by society. Some bits are quite shocking, like doctors advising that babies should be given cereals at two weeks of age, and the author recalling how her breasts were bound tightly after birth. I am glad that breastfeeding in public has become a little more acceptable and that doctors now "allow" us to give birth naturally, but we still have a long way to go in convincing mothers that babies do not need food before six months and that breastfeeding beyond a year is a good idea.

What I did not like about the book was its Catholic undercurrent. I'm not religious and I don't buy a book on breastfeeding in order to be lectured about the evils of contraception. The religious bits could put a lot of people off the book, but I'm glad I read it because I've been walking about on a bit of a cloud of happiness ever since I picked it up. I'm happy because I know I'm not the first person to be totally attached to my baby, to breastfeed her to sleep every day and every night and to want to stay with her all the time. Even if I sometimes have a hard time explaining to other people why I bring up my baby like this, I know that lots of mums have done it before me and raved about it.

Forty years ago, mothers were saying exactly the same things about natural parenting as we are now, and that really comforts me and gives me a stronger conviction that I am doing the right thing after all.

Do you know what I mean about needing a boost every so often to convince you that you're doing the best for your child? Can you recommend a book that gave you the shot in the arm that you needed? Have you experienced a long amenorrhea? All comments gratefully received!

Busier, More Popular, Nicer, Richer, Thinner etc

Just got to get this out while it's on my mind: I must stop comparing myself to other people so much! It's like a disease that eats away at the mind and it never has a positive outcome. I am never good enough.

I don't know where this tendency comes from, but I think a lot of people suffer from it. Whatever company I'm in, I always find some way in which I do not measure up. One morning I might be at a meeting for a voluntary organisation; following the meeting I will feel like I didn't take on enough responsibility or assert myself enough. Another day I might be chatting to breastfeeding mothers at a support group; after the group I will feel like I didn't fit in well enough. On another day I might meet up with some slinging, cloth-nappying attachment parenting mums; afterwards I will feel like I'm "not AP enough" because I don't do cloth nappies or elimination communication or some other such activity. I can even find fault with myself on a visit to the park: maybe I don't look good enough, or I'm not attentive enough to my daughter, or I'm on my own so I feel like I must look like an outcast.

Yet at the end of the day, I'm happy with how my life is. I don't want to take on more responsibilities, because they stress me out. I don't want to overburden myself with tasks because the whole point of staying at home with my daughter is to give her my time and attention. I don't want to get bogged down in so-and-so's parenting ideology because I do what I do because it works for me. I am friends with people that I want to spend time with; I don't waste my time with hollow meaningless relationships. And I enjoy spending time on my own, or with just my daughter: if I am too busy, I long for these quiet days.

So I actually don't want to change who I am in any way; I am, for once, content with how I look and behave. In fact the only thing I would change about me is this infernal voice in my head that is constantly telling me I'm not as worthy as someone else.

Baby, How You Make My Heart Melt

Five things that make me smile, laugh or feel so proud:

1. You know when you hum and run a finger up and down over your lips to make a sort of "Wibble" sound? Cave Baby loves doing that. And she has a rapidly developing repertoire of "Iggle" and "Diddle" sounds. If you didn't know better, you really would think she was having a real conversation from the range of noises she makes.

2. Have wet hands? Then wash your face! It doesn't matter whether they are wet from splashing in the cat's water bowl or being rubbed in spilt orange squash - that face has to be cleaned.

3. "Boof boof", her version of "woof", when she sees a dog. How cute. She even has a version of "Moo" that she trots out for cows, horses and any other large four legged animal. Have you ever thought about how difficult it must be to differentiate between a brown cow and a brown horse?

4. The cutest grimace/smile ever. It's a sort of screwed-up-face/teeth-bared kind of expression and it is doled out without restriction to anyone who flashes her a smile. Random strangers are always telling me what a lovely happy smiley baby she is - they probably say it to everyone, but it still makes me feel special.

5. Cleaning. Give her a wet wipe, tissue or cloth, and prepare to watch while she wipes everything in sight for the next half an hour. Nothing makes her happier. She may in fact be a girl after my own heart.

I could go on for ages, but five is enough for now. What makes your heart melt?

Cleanliness Anxiety

At what point in the last ten years did I turn into one of those women who can't function unless the house is clean? It's been a slow transformation, from a relaxed studenty attitude to dirt, through the easy solo living days to my current anxiety-filled quest to maintain cleanliness in the face of a rampaging crumb-scattering baby. I'm not stupid about cleaning: a quick vac once a week, cleaning the bathroom when it smells or gets spattered with toothpaste, a bit of dusting once a month and a daily wipe of the kitchen surfaces is quite enough for me. But I just can't stand it if things get out of hand and the place becomes dirty.

Last week I was stressed out, all week. And I am ashamed to say it was all because I felt like I was drowning under a weight of housework. We had been away for a long weekend, meaning that the previous week had been mostly about preparing for the trip, so very little washing or cleaning had been done. That meant this week I had to do several loads of laundry, clean the kitchen and vac the house as well as the usual daily washing up. I know this doesn't sound much to a normal person but to a sleep deprived mother with a trying-to-walk baby clinging to her legs, it feels like climbing a mountain.

Every day I put the washing out on the line, only for it to rain again and soak it through. My dad came and did some DIY which coated our entire bathroom and landing in dust. Then he threw a cup of coffee down the stairs. And of course Cave Baby was going through one of her "difficult" weeks which meant she refused to eat her normal meals and preferred to throw food all over the place instead. Three times a day. Ahhhh.

The fact that this all gets me so stressed out is probably related to my SAHM inferiority complex. I think that if I'm at home, the least I should be able to do is welcome Cave Father into a clean house at the end of the day (Feminism? Never heard of it). When I worked full time I didn't really care about dirt because (a) I was only at home when it was dark, so I didn't see it; and (b) I had much more important things to worry about. But now I spend many daylight hours here in my house I have far too much time to look at the state of my carpets and stress about how on earth I am going to find time to clean them when I have to go shopping and take Cave Baby to this or that baby group and meet my mum and make a cake and check my emails and blah blah blah blah. I wish I could have Lisa from Edenwild's healthier attitude towards cleanliness.

Thank god for my mother who came on Thursday and did all those niggly little jobs that Cave Baby just won't tolerate me doing. That helped a lot. But what shocked me the most was that on Friday, when I did manage to vac the house, I instantly felt a hundred times more relaxed. Now isn't that so sad? My anxiety genuinely was caused by my need to clean. I really am turning into one of those women who have to have a clean house. And that's not who I want to be!

Let's just set a few pledges out right now. I am not going to be one of those people who wipes my baby's face or washes her hands in the middle of a meal. I am not going to worry about her picking up soil. I am not going to ask anyone to take their shoes off at the door. And I am going to try not to ever let staying clean get in the way of having fun. I shall have be mindful about reigning my cleaning urges in. Wish me luck!

SAHM Inferiority Complex

This is how I feel about being a stay at home mum. I feel inferior to mothers who go out to work. I feel that I am not pulling my weight in the household. I don't believe that the work I do each day, caring for Cave Baby, cooking and keeping the house clean, bears any comparison to a real work day. I feel that I'm exploiting my kind partner who goes out to earn the money. I feel embarrassed that we can afford to have just one of us working, when other people have it much harder. I feel like my education is going to waste. I feel that my family must wonder why I'm squandering my talents. I wonder when my partner is going to come to his senses and realise how unfair the arrangement is.

Why do I feel like this? I'm not short of stay-at-home role models - my mother took seven years out to look after me and my brother, and my mother-in-law never worked. My partner thinks it is perfectly right and reasonable that I should look after our daughter while he earns the money to support the family. He says I am doing a valuable job. He knows how hard it can be sometimes.

I think that I have been brought up in a culture that places a very high value on mothers going back to work. My family was full of very strong women. My mother has had a successful career, both my grandmothers had good jobs and worked until retirement, my aunts are both wealthy high flyers. Our government constantly encourages women to go back to work by offering money off childcare and withdrawing benefits from those who do not find work once their children reach a certain age (yet at the same time, politicians bemoan the collapse of the family unit and the resulting social problems).

But I am here at home because my partner and I have agreed that it is the best thing for our daughter at the moment. We think it is good for her to have her mum all the time, and we know that we are very fortunate to be able to make this decision. She has quite high needs and the parenting philosophy that we have developed over the past year means that we would feel uncomfortable about handing her over to someone else to care for until she is a little older (though again, I know we are privileged to be able to make this choice).

Being a stay at home mum can be frustrating but I am under no illusion that it is about a million times more fun than going to work. I have never had a job I liked and I have never looked forward to going to work. I cannot identify with women who say they need to get out of the house and work, though I do not doubt that their feelings are perfectly valid. Many studies have shown that stress at work is often caused by a lack of control over your own time, and one of the great aspects of being a full-time mother is that you have almost total control over what you do each day, baby mealtimes and naps permitting. There is a lot of angst amongst full-time mothers (not least amongst bloggers - see recent posts by Mon at Holistic Mama and Jessica at This Is Worthwhile) and I can empathise with their themes of martyrdom, isolation and compromise. I know staying at home is hard - I really suffer from a lack of any time to do anything on my own, for example - but I am satisfied with my lot. I am confident I am doing the right thing for our family and I can't really believe how lucky I've been to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mum. In fact I wonder how long I'm going to be able to get away with the improbably good deal I've got.