Friday, July 3, 2009

Singing In The Rain

Sometimes you've just to get out of the house, you know? It had been stormy this morning but at lunchtime it was only spitting so I thought it would be OK, weather-wise, and we trotted down to the park, both in our summer dresses and Cave Baby riding on my hip in a cotton ring sling. And the park was deserted because of the weather but we had a lovely time although the rain did seem to be getting a bit harder. It had definitely moved on from spitting to just plain raining. In time it got hard enough for me to think that we'd better set off home before we got too wet so I sheltered under a tree to put the babe back in her sling: holding an umbrella and loading up a baby is beyond me. A couple of minutes later the heavens really opened and it all started feeling a bit futile.

When it rains I am programmed to try and keep myself dry. You know how it is, frizzy hair and wet shoes. Not good. But do you know that point when you get so wet that you realise that it doesn't matter any more? That the damage is done, so you may as well just enjoy it? It is a great feeling. Cave Baby was grinning from ear to ear as she watched the rain bouncing off the path in front of us. Water was sloshing out of my shoes with each step but for once I was able to stop worrying and embrace the moment. I felt happy and it was a nice change because I had been all ready to write a post about how glum in spirit I had been, what with the feeling of my baby growing up and me doubting whether she really needs me any more (she is crawling, eating well, drinking from a lidded beaker, pulling herself to her feet, cutting down to one nap a day and almost sleeping through the night).

I know she does need me really, but I have just been doubting myself and feeling that she was accomplishing all these things despite me rather than because of me. And since I have to meet with my PhD supervisor soon and break the news that I am not going to continue with it (because I think I will try to write up an MPhil based on one day a week's work), I am once again cross-examining my decision not to go back to work in favour of staying home to look after my daughter. On top of all this I am feeling a bit lonely because I have had my man every day for a whole two weeks while we were on holiday, and now we are back in the usual evenings only routine.

But then you get a good night's sleep and you go out and have a nice time in the rain, and everything feels a lot better. So I'm fine actually, and I think I might be finally resolving to actually try hard to get this MPhil done so that I will have a shiny new qualification when the time does come to look for a real job.

8 comments:

allgrownup said...

I love summer rain. She'll need you forever: "a son is your son til he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life".....too bad I have a son! Lol.

Joe said...

I also decided against grad school in favour of starting a family, and recently, literally 2 weeks prior to my return, decided that I DID want to stay home, could financially, and gave my 2 weeks notice. Those are not easy decisions to make, I can certainly relate! But I am really happy that I made them, it feels like it was the best choice overall. I get to spend time with my baby, give her the best, and grad school and/or a job will always be there when I am ready - probably when all our {future} wee ones are in school. Unless I decide to homeschool... :)

Capital Mom said...

Some days you totally just have to get out of the house. Glad to hear it was good weather. When the rain is cold I bundled my daughter up in a full body rain suit and let her go at the puddles. It's good for everyone! :-)

Cave Mother said...

allgrownup: wise words, thanks.
Joe: How cool to hear from someone else who has been in exactly my situation. I suppose you never know if your choices are the right ones because you only ever get to find out how one choice turns out. But I'm so glad you feel you've made the right decision.
Capital Mom - full body rain suits sound like a great idea.

clareybabble said...

Playing in the rain is the best, my son loved all the puddles yesterday and got thoroughly soaked!

Jessica said...

Wonderful! I've had similar moments with Hollis in the rain and it's such a relief to just let go of all that adult bullshit we carry around all the time.

Good luck with the fancy-dancy school stuff, too! I'm very lucky I finished mine right before I popped :)

The Broken Man said...

We are trying very hard not to attach any kind of value judgements to the weather (a lovely sunny day, or dreary wet day) because it rains so often that Grace may as well enjoy rainy days! :)

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