Still Going...

Hi there. I'm still alive. I haven't blogged for a looong time. Other things have taken up time in my life, and I didn't like how I was feeling like blogging was a chore. But here I am, with an almost nine month old baby girl (shall I call her Cave Baby II?) and my eldest about to start school!

Since I last blogged we've moved house and I've reached the latter stages of NCT breastfeeding counselling training. With any luck, I'll get the last few assignments done before Christmas and I'll be officially up and running by early next year. Maybe I'll write more about that some time... it might be useful for anyone considering NCT training. I thought I was already quite a complete, self-aware person, but the reflection and counselling skills training has taken me even deeper. I can step out of situations more now, and analyse more objectively why I react to things in the way I do.

So, another baby! I wrote a lot on this blog about my journey back to fertility. My periods restarted when Cave Baby I (now Cave Girl?) turned two. I had made no obvious change to our nursing habits. We immediately started trying to conceive, but after a couple of months I became frustrated at our lack of success. I seemed to have a short luteal phase and I took vitamin b6 and agnus castus (vitex) to improve it. There was no appreciable effect and I felt that my only option was to cut down on our still-frequent nursing sessions. I began by spacing sessions out to no more than four hourly. After another couple of months, I took what I considered to be the drastic step of cutting out all sessions other than morning and nap time and reducing sessions to 15 minutes. This might still sound like a lot of nursing to other people, but my daughter was a super keen breastfeeder! Even at two years old she would happily suck away for an hour in the morning. I am happy to say that the sudden drop in breast stimulation worked, and that very month I fell pregnant. I continued to breastfeed my eldest throughout the pregnancy despite my milk drying up by nine weeks (That was how keen Girl I was on feeding!). Nursing was annoying and a bit sore, but hey. I could take a bit of pain if it meant a quiet nap with my daughter in the afternoon :)

So fast forward nine months and my beautiful baby girl was born at home in a birthing pool with no complications. I tandem fed for three months but, by this time, I honestly felt that my eldest would be fine without it. Sleeping separately (me with newborn, Cave Father with eldest) had broken Girl I's association between feeding and sleep, and she had spontaneously dropped her naps when she had turned three. I felt like my breasts were becoming something of a battle ground, as a way for Girl I to assert her ownership over me. I was starting to resent her feeding and as a result I was finding the sensation of her suckling intolerable. There comes a time when it is in the interests of the family to draw breastfeeding to a close. Our time had come. She asked for the breast occasionally over the few days after I decided to wean, but was always satisfied with an explanation that it was time to stop. There were no tears - she truly had moved on emotionally from breastfeeding. At this time she needed my attention and love, and whilst feeding had been one way to meet these needs, other ways had become easier and more fulfilling for us both.

So here I am now, with an independently minded, highly spirited and still highly demanding almost-four year old and a sweet, smiley, relaxed baby. Who would have thought that the genomes that brought us Miss High Needs could have produced such a contrastingly pleasant second child?

One final thing - Cave Girl sleeps through the night. In her own bed. Yes, I know, it surprised me as well. Only after experiencing the joy of sleeping for most of the night with a "normal" baby can I appreciate how extraordinarily sleep deprived I was for my first 18 months of parenthood. I guess there's hope for us all.

I'm Touching Wood, But I Think Things Have Got Easier

I can finally say it: things really do get easier. Sometime around the 18 month mark things started to fall into place. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what has changed, but I feel better, calmer, more contented.

I wake up most mornings feeling rested, much like I used to do before I had a child. It's not that I don't get woken in the night, but the night feeding sessions are shorter and less frequent and they just don't seem to affect me like they used to. During the day Cave Baby doesn't stress me out as much as she did in the past. For a couple of months she seems to have become less clingy. It's just little things that make the difference; in the past, for example, she would scream if I put her down while I was getting my breakfast and now she's happy to potter around the kitchen instead. I can honestly say that I am now feeling like the person I was 20 months ago. And that is a good feeling.

I'm not writing here as much as I used to and that's because I don't have that same frustration inside me that needed to vent somewhere. I have come through the most difficult days with my first child and I can look back with a little distance at my experiences. I don't have that immediate sense of anger at the way society was telling me to bring up my child. I can see how and why different people are motivated to raise their children in different ways and I am confident that the close, loving care that I chose to lavish on my baby was the right thing for her. I can even talk objectively to new mothers about the pros and cons of attachment parenting without feeling that my choices need to be justified or defended.

I still want to shout from the rooftops how we need to hold, nurse and love our youngsters but I have found other ways to do it besides blogging. I help mothers to breastfeed at a support group and I provide friendship and support at a coffee morning. And I am about to embark on training to become a full-blown breastfeeding counsellor so I can provide real practical help to get more women breastfeeding. Most importantly, I have built a network of like-minded mothers who keep their babies close, sleep beside them at night and refuse to do anything remotely resembling crying it out. Finding support online was absolutely invaluable for me when I was deep in the hardest parts of my first year as a mother, but the real life support I now have is even more reassuring.

So if I'm not updating this blog quite as often, these are all the reasons. The challenges posed by a 20 month old toddler just aren't as immediate and stressful as those posed by a high needs, boob-loving, sleep-dodging baby. Having reached this point in my life as a mother, I am even finding myself telling new mothers how it will eventually get easier and more comfortable. I no longer feel the need to justify my decisions all the time because my daughter is the walking talking evidence that attachment parenting works (though I still hate the term).

So if you are reading this from the bottom of the pit of new baby exhaustion, please believe me when I say that you will eventually feel better. It might take a year, or 18 months or 2 years but you will some day feel like your old self again. Just knowing this is going to help me to survive the hard days that I still do occasionally have. But it also casts a new light on the idea of having another baby; when will I really be ready to submit myself to another 18 months of tiredness and anxiety? (By the way, there are no worries about having another one just yet because yes, I am still anovulatory).

Did you notice a point at which your life became easier? And did you find it hard to contemplate embarking on the whole baby adventure for a second time?

When To Wait to Nurse

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I have no hang ups about breastfeeding in public. I nurse my 19 month old anywhere and everywhere - indoors, outdoors, in shops, cafes, museums, parks, supermarkets or wherever we happen to be when she asks for a feed. But I must admit that I sometimes tire of my breasts being permanently available. It tends to happen on those velcro days when my daughter puts her hand down my bra every fifteen minutes.

I accept frequent feedings as part and parcel of the toddler nursing experience, and when we're at home I just put up with them. But I can get sick of them really quickly when we're out. Actually it's worst when we're at tots groups, and it is not because of embarrassment.

The thing is that the minute you get your breasts out to feed a toddler, you make it pretty obvious to everyone around that you are a fairly keen supporter of breastfeeding. I feel like a bit of a breastfeeding ambassador and the last thing I want to do is turn other mothers off breastfeeding because they think it will make their child needy like mine. In reality she is just a normal toddler, but we are not used to seeing children of her age nursing so any requests to nurse in public tend to be seen as over-demanding.

I was at just such a tots group recently and Cave Baby, having one of her velcro days, was on and off my boobs every few minutes. I was feeling a bit annoyed about this, but not so much that I would deny a request to nurse. Anyway, I happened to be talking to a lady who is extremely supportive of breastfeeding and had nursed her youngest child for three years. But I think she sensed my discomfort because at one point in our conversation she said, "Soon, you'll be able tell her to wait until later to nurse".

This comment sent my brain into one of its customary tailspins. Had she been trying to suggest that my daughter was too old to be nursing so often? Was she giving me a hint that it was time to start telling her to wait until we get home? Was she just saying what she thought I wanted to hear because I was annoyed with my daughter? Did she think that I was uncomfortable with the idea of nursing her in public? Did she think I was in need of permission to refuse to nurse?

Later I wondered when is the right time to ask a child to wait to nurse. I don't want to refuse my daughter, but sometimes it would be nice to say "Wait until we get in the car" or "Wait until we get home". Again, this is not out of embarrassment but rather convenience. I don't want to have to rearrange my clothing in the middle of the supermarket. Breastfeeding is a two-way relationship that has to work for both mother and child, so I have to get things my way occasionally.

Kellymom says that delaying nursing works for children over the age of 18 months or so. Reading other people's experiences (like Hobo Mama's here), I think it takes many toddlers a bit longer to learn to wait. I don't believe my daughter is ready yet.

So, dear readers, I need your help. What I want to know is whether you ever delayed nursing your child, and at what age you felt they were able to understand that they had to wait a few minutes. Please give me the benefit of your wealth of toddler nursing experience. I'll be so grateful!

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Replace hitting with…? — Acacia at Be Present Mama is at a loss on how to handle her three year old's hitting.
• Two Questions — Alexandra at Breastfeeding Momma would like some ideas on how to strengthen her bond with her 8-month-old daughter; she's also looking for input on an emotional topic: vaccines.
• Balancing Needs When Baby Trumps Mama — Alison at BluebirdMama wonders how her child's need for noise and energy balances out against her need for quiet and space. (@childbearing )
• The McDilemma — Annie at PhD in Parenting is on the arches of a McDilemma. (@phdinparenting)
• Where is the mutually agreeable solution? When parenting calls for blood draws — Arwyn at Raising My Boychick has a child who needs regular blood tests that are torment for him. How does a parent honor a child when his health is on the line? (@RaisingBoychick)
• When To Wait To Nurse — Cave Mother wonders what age toddlers can be asked to wait to nurse.
• I don't love you Mama! — CurlyMonkey wonders what to do with her daughter's intense feelings. (@curlymonkey_)
• Help a Mama Out — Danielle at Born.in.Japan isn't getting much sleep with her cosleeping, night nursing, cranky little guy and hopes you can help with some suggestions for shuteye. (@borninjp)
• Dear Abby: My daughter really misses her Daddy — Darcel at The Mahogany Way needs to know how to help her daddy's girl get the connection with her father she needs — and not feel left out in the process. (@MahoganyWayMama)
• What's Going on at School? — Deb at Science@home is in a quandary: how can she find out what really goes on at school without stepping on the teacher's toes? (@ScienceMum)
• April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Advice — Dionna at Code Name: Mama wants to find volunteer work that includes her toddler. (@CodeNameMama)
• A Beatnik's Beat on Life — Erin at Beatnik Momma does not want to engage in "mommy wars." She'd like your input on how (and how much) to discuss her natural parenting choices with curious friends and family who parent differently. (@babybeatnik)
• Dear Abby — The Grumbles at Grumbles and Grunts gave her son a banana...and no solid food since. What's the next step in baby-led weaning? (@thegrumbles)
• Excuse me, I have a poop question — Jessica at This is Worthwhile has two questions for your consideration. One is about toddler stuttering, the other about toddler tinkling. (@tisworthwhile)
• The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow? — Joni Rae at Kitchen Witch Momma is suffering from "half-empty nest syndrome": what do you do when your babies start growing up? (@kitchenwitch)
• Peer Pressure — Kate at Momopoly worries what message her daughter's new friend is sending — but how to break up such an infatuation? (@Momopoly)
• When I Fall Down — Katherine at Momioso.com needs your wisdom on how to be more gentle and at peace with herself. (@naturalparent)
• A question of sleep and sanity — KeepingMumSane needs your toddler cosleeping advice in order to, well, keep mum sane! (@keepingmumsane)

• April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice — Lauren at Hobo Mama needs a chiropractor … or help getting her 36 lb toddler to walk up the stairs. (@Hobo_Mama)
• Driver's Ed for Mommies — Maman A Droit is a self-confessed terrible driver and is scared to drive with her baby in the car.
• Solo Parenting — Mammapie at Downside Up and Outside In needs tips for being a single working mother while her partner's away. (@mammapie)
• Itsy Bitsy Biter — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting needs your advice about her daughter, otherwise known as the pitbull.
• How Can I Avoid Beauty Obsession? — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! is at a loss ever since her tomboys turned into wannabe princesses. (@bfmom)
• Seeking Stability in Chaos — Michelle at Seeking Mother is in a heart-wrenching position. She needs your input on how to make a toddler feel secure during a time of transition, the illness of a parent, and multiple (new) caregivers. (@Seekingmother)
• Mama, That's Too, Too Boring! — Michelle at The Parent Vortex started out asking how to encourage her preschooler to get dressed — and four days later, she began to without prompting! (@TheParentVortex)
• Parenting Advice for the Girl From Outer Space — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one's your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup)
• Diaper Duty Dilemma — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries has a simple request: talk to her about cloth! (@babydust)
• What Do You Need My Son — pchanner at A Mom's Fresh Start wishes her calm four-month-old hadn't turned into an inquisitive and dramatic six-month-old. How do you handle changes in baby's personality? (@pchanner)
• Dear Natural Parenting Community — Sarah at OneStarryNight wants to know how to respond to criticism from family and friends over breastfeeding. (@starrymom)
• Natural Parenting Carnival — Help — Sarah at Consider Eden feels like either her to-do list or her parenting is suffering, because she can't do both! (@considereden)
• To potty learn or not to potty learn — that is the question — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes wants to know whether it's time to start potty training. (@sheryljesin)
• Seeking Patience — Starr at Earth Mama looks to the collective tribal wisdom of this community to learn how to teach patience to children.
• A Dirty Girl Comes Clean — Tashmica at Mother Flippin' is struggling. How do parents deal with their inability to keep their children protected from danger? (@Mother_Flippin)
• Uli and the Pussy Cats — Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis has a toddler who likes to put kitties in headlocks and ride them like horsies. How best to separate the little beasties?
• Perceptions of Discipline — Zoey at Good Goog doesn't use conventional discipline with her child — and doesn't know how to respond around people who do. (@zoeyspeak)

Toddler Nursing Guest Post At Hobo Mama

My first ever guest post is now up at Hobo Mama's blog. It's about toddler nursing and it's called It's Not About The Milk. If you've ever nursed a toddler, you'll know exactly what I mean. Please read it!

Self-Pity-A-Thon

Why are we the only family in the restaurant whose baby refuses to sit in a highchair for any longer than the exact time it takes to stuff down a dozen pieces of pasta, then insists on walking around the floor while her mother's dinner goes cold?

Am I the only mum whose baby wakes up coughing every five minutes?

Am I the only breastfeeding mother who occasionally feels like a walking dummy and is sometimes expected to get her boobs out every fifteen minutes, all day?

Am I the only mum who has had literally no time to herself for an entire week?

Does everyone find it this hard?

Difficult Babies and How To Cope With Them

What a promising title for a post! If only there was truly a one-size-fits-all solution to coping with life with a challenging baby.

"Difficult babies" is the top Google search term that brings visitors to this site. So, if you're visiting from Google, welcome. You've come to the right place - I've certainly learnt a thing or two about difficult babies over the last year and a bit.

First of all, let's get a bit of semantics out of the way. "Difficult" makes it sound as if the baby is deliberately trying to annoy you. Some people prefer "challenging" or "spirited". The most official sounding term is "high needs". I like this one because it states quite plainly that the baby is not manipulating you - it has needs. And high ones. It can't help this. It's not the baby's fault and it's not the parents fault. You haven't done anything wrong to make your baby the way it is. It's time to accept the baby's needs and do your best to meet them.

So what is a difficult baby? My little one had all the following endearing traits as a tiny baby:

• Never sleeping for more than an hour or so at night


• Not napping for more than twenty minutes during the day, unless she was in the pram or being carried in a sling


• Crying for hours on end every evening because she was overtired from not getting enough sleep


• Wanting my nipple in her mouth all the time (OK, this is normal for all newborns)


• Waking up without fail if I ever tried to put her down in her moses basket


• Crying if she was ever put down in her bouncy chair


• Crying if her pram stopped moving


• Never being content to just sit and watch what was going on around her - needing movement all the time.

I could go on but I think you get the idea of what it is like to have a high needs baby. And if you have Googled "difficult babies", it is highly likely that you are sitting with one right in front of you (or perhaps even latched on to your nipple) and hoping that someone, somewhere is going to be able to help you figure out how to survive this nightmare.

I spent many hours searching the web and the bookshelves for answers. Nothing anybody had written seemed to apply to my baby - she just didn't do what the books said she was supposed to. Reading general parenting forums can be an exquisitely depressing experience for the parent of a high needs baby because everyone else's babies sound so easy (even though their parents still complain about them).

I can't really offer answers, because every baby is different and every parent is different. All I can do is tell you what worked for me, and that was dealing with night-time by taking my baby to bed with me, and buying a sling so that I could easily walk about with my baby during the day.

If, like thousands and thousands of parents of high needs babies, you have found that co-sleeping is the only way you can cope with your baby's fretful sleeping then I just want to say to you: it's OK. You are not making a rod for your own back. Believe it or not, plenty of people do it out of choice. Provided that you follow some basic safety advice you are not putting your baby in any undue danger. You can transition your baby to a cot after as little as six months if you want. Or you might end up liking your night-time cuddles, and sticking with it for a year or two. And you know what else? You will still be able to have sex with your partner even if you co-sleep.

Slings are really helpful for high needs babies. If you wear your baby in the house you can get on with jobs you need to do whilst providing the baby with the movement it needs to calm and soothe it. I love my ring sling because it is great for breastfeeding in, but lots of mums use stretchy wraps like the Moby because they are so comfortable.

As your baby gets older, you will learn what works for it. Maybe it loves being outdoors, in which case a walk in the morning might be just enough to keep it happy for a couple of hours. Perhaps it loves the company of other babies. Getting out to baby groups is the best way of relieving the tension of being stuck at home with a moany baby. And please don't worry that your baby will be the only one crying its head off at the group: babies cry. Everyone understands that. It doesn't reflect badly on you as a mother.

My daughter is 14 months old and I can't say that she has become easy. But things have improved, albeit very slowly. As her personality began to emerge, I fell in love with her for the person she was. I cannot imagine her being in any way different, and I honestly would not change her spirited ways for anything else. Who wants one of those boring babies that lie around staring at the ceiling? You have been chosen to parent one of the bright shining star babies. Accept it and make the most of it. Read the Dr Sears website, where they really understand all about difficult babies. Join an attachment parenting forum where you will find loads of parents of high needs children. Do what you have to do each day and don't worry about anything anyone else says. Anything that makes you and your baby happy is the right thing to do.

Ultimately, we have to learn to trust our babies and accept that their crying and fussiness indicates that they need something - and love and attention is just as valid a need as hunger. You may even begin to suspect that all babies share these needs, but the "difficult" ones are just a lot more determined to make themselves heard. My final consolation is that just because your baby is difficult now does not mean that it will be a tantrumming toddler or a troublesome teenager. In fact it may be the extra love and care that you give it now, as a baby, that helps it to grow up into a confident and happy child.

Bent Over the Cot With My Boob Hanging Out

Yes, this is indeed how I spend a few uncomfortable moments each evening as I put my little darling to bed. You see I always try to get her to sleep in her cot for a while each evening - at least long enough that Cave Father and I can have a few minutes together downstairs and a cuddle in bed before we move the baby through to join us.

But putting my baby to bed on her own is always a huge lottery. She has never been easy to put down and lately she has been even more difficult. I nurse her to sleep in a ring sling, wait half an hour, walk upstairs and lay her down in her cot, at which point she inevitably wakes up, shouts something incoherent (when does she shout anything coherent anyway?) and shakes her head violently from side to side as the realisation dawns that there is no nipple in her mouth. This is when I have to bend at 90 degrees over the cot and dangle my breast into her mouth for anywhere from one to 10 minutes, until she is deeply enough asleep for me to leave her again. It is most unbecoming, especially as I always leave the curtains open (drawing them would create a dangerously loud noise and I like the gentle light of the streetlamp outside). I do wonder how many people have watched me in my ridiculous pose and have puzzled over what the hell I was doing.

Before you rush in with "Why don't you teach her to go to sleep on her own" comments, don't even bother going there. Cave Baby is not a going-to-sleep-on-her-own type of child. She doesn't really stay still unless she is physically restrained (which is why a sling works so well). She cries, very loudly and very longly (you know what I mean) at anything that she doesn't like. She would not drop off to sleep on her own without a huge amount of crying, and that is not something I am going to inflict on her. So let's leave it at that.

So until I give in and resign myself to nursing her to sleep in our super-kingsize bed right from the off, I am going to have to perform this ridiculous display of contortionism every night. Ho hum. Do you do anything really stupid to pander to your children?

What Makes a Difficult Baby?

We all label some babies as "difficult" and some as "easy". I didn't think twice about describing my tiny daughter as difficult. I was all too aware of how she failed to measure up to my previous expectations of babies: she would not sleep without me lying beside her; she almost always woke when I tried to put her down asleep; she would not lie in a bouncy chair; she cried whenever she was not feeding, in a carrier or in a pram; she fed hourly through the night.

If I knew then what I know now I would have put her in a sling from the moment I woke up to the moment we went to bed and I would not have hesitated to co-sleep with her from the day she was born. But, back then, I took some solace in the fact that things were so very hard because I had a particularly demanding baby to care for.

As Cave Baby has grown up and I have talked to more and more mums about their "difficult" babies I have come to realise how little I valued her "good" traits. I was so preoccupied with her sleeping problems that I never realised how fortunate I was that she breastfed well from the very first attempt; that I never suffered particularly sore nipples; that she kept her milk down and brought burps up easily; that she could lie beside me all night without ever needing to be winded; that she fell asleep when the lights went out without fail, and was content to lie in bed with me until late in the morning. Even if she had been the best sleeper in the world, I would probably have still called her "difficult" if she come up short in some other department.

Reading Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small has given me a different perspective on difficult babies. I now realise that "difficulty" is always relative to the culture in which the baby lives. If I had been part of a culture that customarily co-slept and carried its young then Cave Baby's "difficulties" would not even have shown up. Perhaps in such a culture it would be the babies who fidgeted excessively in a sling, or who wriggled at night, that would be considered "difficult".

And there is another side of "difficulty". My baby's reuctance to sleep alone and her insistence on human contact were simply her ways of telling me what she needed to grow and thrive. All babies know what is good for them, but the "difficult" ones are just a bit more determined to get it. There is an interesting anecdote about this in Meredith Small's book. In the 1970s a researcher named Marten de Vries followed some Masai infants and identified the ten "easiest" and the ten "most difficult". When he returned three months later, only thirteen of thh babies were left, the rest having moved on. Over the next three months of famine, seven of these babies died: six "easy" babies and only one "difficult" baby. Perhaps it was their "difficulty", their determination to have their needs met, that helped the "difficult" babies to stay alive.

I will share a couple more bits from Our Babies, Ourselves but in the meantime you might like to read Hobo Mama's review of it.

My Dark Secret

OK, here it is: I have not read any Dr Sears book. Or indeed any book on attachment parenting. Yet I call myself an attachment parent. How can this be?

Well, first of all there is my aversion to "how to" books. In general I hate people telling me what to do. Since I was a child I have always preferred to figure things out myself. I have always leaned towards studying scientific subjects because I enjoy the fact that if you learn a few basic principles, you can usually work out the more complicated stuff for yourself. So I love reading anthropology, psychology and biology but I am wary of any books on parenting methodology.

Secondly, there was my fear when I was expecting Cave Baby that reading about parenting would somehow jinx the outcome of my pregnancy. The only book I brought home for us to read was the most basic, pared down guide to babies that I could find. With hindsight, I wish that I had read more, so I might have had a few more ideas of what to do when my baby would not stop crying and would not sleep. But it is questionable what can really be learned from a book. Having a first baby is a massive shock even to a well prepared family.

Thirdly, I am slightly uncomfortable about the label "attachment parent". It is a label I very rarely use. I use it on this blog because it is the quickest way of conveying to a reader what type of parent I am trying to be. In truth, I don't really know what "attachment parent" means. I know there are eight (or is it ten?) principles of attachment parenting, though I can't remember what they are. I know that lots of people who follow it also co-sleep, breastfeed and wear their babies in slings. And I know that it is based on more natural, intuitive ways of bringing up children than is the norm in our culture. I am wary of using the label "attachment parent" with people who are not familiar with what it means because I feel the word "attachment" has some negative connotations in some people's minds. "Attachment" implies clingy children wrapped around their mother's legs, whereas it really refers to a close, secure relationship between child and caregiver. I am also aware that lots of parents who have never heard of the concept are just as securely "attached" in their relationships with their children as any "attachment parent". I am wary of putting people into boxes.

Now despite not reading his books, I do have to admit that I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I discovered Dr Sears' website back in the darkest days of caring for the three month old Cave Baby. It was the first time I had read about babies who were as difficult to soothe as my baby, and the first time I had come across the label "high needs baby". With the help of the web, Dr Sears' influence extends far beyond those who have actually read the books.

So, if you are still reading, please tell me why I should go out and buy a book on attachment parenting. Seriously. I would probably enjoy reading it and my preconceptions about such books being too preachy and instructional are probably wrong. Are they interesting reads in themselves, regardless of the advice they give? All comments will be gratefully received.

Oh, and Earthenwitch seems to share some of my reservations about parenting books in this post, which you might also find interesting.

How We Put Baby To Bed

And the solution to our baby settling problems? A ring sling! Here it is: our Huggababy (the picture is from their website www.huggababy.co.uk and I am sure they won't mind me using it as I am plugging their product).

After a brief routine of sleepsuit, sleeping bag and songs or story, Cave Baby is inserted into the sling and breastfed to sleep. The sling shields her from stuff going on around her, so I can watch TV without distracting her. It is so comfy for her, like a cocoon, that she drops off to sleep really easily despite the fact that she never normally sleeps when fed in the living room. If necessary I can stand up and walk around with her, still feeding, to give her that extra tip over the edge into oblivion. I have even done this with in-laws around because it hides your breast so well, they never even know it is out! Fantastic. Finally, I can ease the baby down into her car-seat (her sleeping location of choice - a cot is just too flat) and remove myself from the sling without disturbing her. It's not a miracle worker - she still has nights when she wakes every 30 minutes - but she will usually settle simply by being lifted up, still in the sling, and jiggled about a bit.

It has been a fabulous buy because I use it around the house in hip-seat position as well. Cave Baby loves seeing what I am up to and I can get on with jobs with both hands without the baby positioned cumbersomely in front of me as she would be in a front-carrying sling.

Like co-sleeping, I would never have anticipated before Cave Baby's birth that I would be walking about the house with baby slung around my neck. But it feels so natural and right and my baby adores it.

How Not To Put Baby To Bed

I have always felt a bit guilty about not having a proper bath/book/lights out routine for Cave Baby. She has never gone to bed at 7pm (why would you do that unless you want a 6am alarm call?). In an effort to deal with Cave Baby's early sleeping difficulties I consulted many books and websites but all gave advice tailored to the traditional put-child-in-cot-at-7pm model. How do "normal" bedtime routines translate to a co-sleeping family?

At first, I needed to spend about as much time in bed as baby did. That worked great - I went to bed at around 9pm and got up 12 or 13 hours later. Going to bed at the same time as baby was fine to begin with but as our sleep improved, we began to long for some mummy and daddy time in the evening. So how do you get a baby to go to bed before its mum (without pushing it round the block in a pram or walking it in a sling, both of which are impractical in sub-zero winter of 2009 temperatures)?

We started a mini bedtime routine - sleepsuit, a song or a book (if baby's disposition allowed) and then a feed. In every book or website I could find, it would then simply be a matter of nursing baby to sleep in bed and creeping away. Oh dear. Cave Baby's not falling for that! Over a period of weeks, here is what we tried to get her to go to sleep and stay asleep: nursing to sleep and laying her down in a bedside cot (yeah, right); nursing to sleep and laying her in her car-seat (no chance mate); nursing to sleep in bed then creeping away (5 minutes sleep if you are lucky); nursing to sleep in bed then sticking a dummy in her mouth (pointless); rocking/bouncing to sleep then laying down (20 minutes peace if she didn't wake up on the put-down, but a sore aching back too). Needless to say, we did not consider controlled crying to be an option.

Cave Baby has seriously tested our ingenuity and patience on this one, and for anyone recognising their own little darling in this post, and perhaps still stuck in the horrible trying anything (and nothing working) phase, we have emerged victorious (most nights). But Cave Baby is rioting now, so... solution tomorrow.

Challenging Babies

I don't want to come across all sanctimonious about co-sleeping. It's still really hard sometimes, especially when your baby is "high needs" like the Cave munchkin. It's hard to maintain good humour in the middle of the night when she decides to have a screaming fit for no apparent reason. It's hard when she can't sleep without constant attachment to the nipple. It's really tough when you rely on nursing to get her to sleep, and she decides to act like the breast is burning her mouth. Having said all this, I still wouldn't swap it for cot sleeping. And I console myself with the knowledge (or is it hope) that all this is just a phase, and will pass.

How to Spoil a Baby

When I was pregnant, I was prepared to take on board the advice of books and family - after all, they had experience of babies and I did not (I had hardly held a baby before the Cave Baby was born). Looking back on this advice, it was overwhelming concerned with not spoiling the baby: a baby must be put down at every opportunity; a baby must not be picked up just because it cries; a baby should not be comforted by the breast unless it is hungry. Oh my god. What is all that about? How did we veer so far away from meeting the needs of an actual human animal baby? A newborn baby is a machine for survival and it tells you exactly what it needs - all you have to do is listen, and act. Crying is a pretty distressing thing for parents and it doesn't look much fun for babies either so I think we can safely assume a baby cries because it needs something. Note the word needs.

I feel ashamed of the times I denied the breast to my crying baby because I thought she wasn't hungry. I feel angry about the time I was told the baby was "wrapping us around its little finger" because we picked her up out of the pram when she cried. What would a cavewoman do if her baby cried? She would instinctively try to meet its needs, to stop the crying. Did she worry about carrying it too much? I don't think so - she was probably more concerned with keeping it safe from danger (perhaps this is why babies expect to be carried so much). Did those babies grow up to be clingy and overly dependent? Well the human race did succeed in colonising almost the entire planet, so I guess some of them must have struck out on their own eventually.

Thank goodness I learnt to trust my own instincts.

Mothering a Cave Baby

Why Cave Mother? Well, six months on from giving birth to a beautiful daughter I have wasted far too much time worrying about how to bring her up and I have made a key realisation - millions of years of evolution have handed me a finely tuned motherly instinct. If I make my decisions based on my instinct, rather than the advice of a parenting manual, then I will be making the decision that evolution has guided me to make in order to increase my baby's chances of survival. In other words, do what a cave woman would have done. Seriously, if you ask yourself the question "what would a cave woman have done?" then things become so much simpler.

OK I know I'm generalising here, and cynics can point to many flaws in the argument above, but the fact is that parenting in Britain today is largely based on a set of arbitrary rules invented by Victorians just over 100 years ago. Before that time it was normal to feed babies on demand, sleep them in their parents' bed and carry them in their carer's arms (just like most other mammals on earth). Six months ago I was all ready with the pram and the cot, preparing to follow the accepted model of childcare just as the vast majority of mothers in this country do. But something went wrong - nobody told my baby that the rules had changed. Nobody told her how to stay asleep in a cot, without the warmth of her mother beside her. Nobody told her how to lie quietly in a pram, staring at the sky, without the comforting bouncy sensation of a human step. Nobody told her how to go for more than an hour or two between feeds. So I was forced to adopt frowned-upon practices like sleeping with my baby, giving unlimited access to the breast, and carrying her around with me. And the result? She is now a happy baby and I am, at last, a happy mum. But I have spent months feeling like a failure and it is only now that I have come to fully understand that the social norm for childcare in this country is not necessarily the best for all our children.

I know that I will continue to find it difficult to deviate from the norm without questioning my decisions, and I hope that I might be able to offer some support to other parents who can't shake the feeling that their baby was just not made for cots and prams.