Why It Is Wrong To Leave A Young Baby To Cry

I don't like leaving Cave Baby to cry. When she does cry, I soothe her as soon as possible. That does not mean that I drop everything to get to her: sometimes that would be impractical or dangerous. Sometimes, if she is playing and has dropped a favourite toy, I know she will sort herself out by diverting her attention to something different. And when she is tired, crying is occasionally unavoidable as she goes to sleep. But by and large I calm her down as quickly as I can. I know that without me, her crying would spiral out of control - this happens when she gets upset in the car where I cannot pick her up.

When I first became a parent I was much less sure of myself. I knew it upset me to see my tiny baby crying, but I was worried about "spoiling" her by "giving in" to her crying. Some of our relatives criticised Cave Father for picking our baby up when she cried in her pram. Others told me to wait a few minutes when she cried, just to see if she settled herself down. Fortunately, I ignored this advice and mothered my baby in a way that I felt happy with. The evidence that I did the right thing is there for all to see - Cave Baby has grown from an unsettled, unhappy newborn to a cheerful bouncing 8 month old. But others will still maintain that it is necessary to teach a young baby that it cannot always have attention when it cries. How can I be sure that I did the right thing? How can I convince others that it is wrong to leave a small baby to cry alone?

Once again the answer can be found in Sue Gerhardt's excellent book on brain development, "Why Love Matters" (see my earlier post on gestation for more about this book). She explains that babies are not born with the ability to manage their own emotions. They are born with a basic, functioning brain allowing them to breathe, to track movements, to see faces close up and to react to sensory experiences that appear to threaten their survival. They also have some simple reflexes, like rooting for a nipple, sucking milk, crying and freezing when in danger.

Further processing of basic emotions, such as fear and anger, require areas of the brain (the cortex) that are simply not operational in a newborn - whilst the neurons themselves are present, they need to be connected up to make the brain work. The first part of the cortex to develop in a baby is called the orbitofrontal cortex. Gerhardt explains that this is the part of the brain that can process basic urges, and inhibit or delay inappropriate responses. It is "the basis for our willpower and self-control, as well as our capacity for empathy". She goes on to say:

"It is no good trying to 'discipline' a baby or to expect a baby to control its behaviour, since the brain capacity to do so does not exist. A baby cannot thoughtfully consider his mother's frustration and decide to eat up to keep her happy. His social capacities are mostly potential, not actual at birth. What needs to be written in neon letters lit up against a night sky is that the orbitofrontal cortex, which is so much about being human, develops almost entirely post-natally. This part of the brain develops after birth and doesn't begin to mature until toddlerhood."

Furthermore, it is only after the age of around 10 months that a baby's brain begins to retain images, which mark "the sketchy beginning of an inner life - an inner library of images that can be referred to that will become increasingly complex and loaded with associations and thoughts as the child grows up". The author explains that these inner images provide an important way for a child to manage its own emotions - "they can be used as a guide to behaviour in the absence of the caregiver".

So, until it approaches the end of its first year, a baby is physically incapable of managing its own emotions and "learning" not to cry for attention. In fact research has shown that a baby needs positive experiences in order to grow the advanced parts of the brain that do manage emotion. All that can be achieved by leaving a baby to cry is to raise its levels of the stress hormone cortisol. High levels of cortisol during these vulnerable developmental stages can cause the body to misjudge its baseline cortisol level, leading to numerous problems dealing with stress in later life. If the body does not learn in early life what a "normal" cortisol level is, then it develops an abnormal response to cortisol that persists into adulthood, causing conditions such as depression.

Science confirms what instinct tells us - a young baby is quite simply incapable of learning that it is not supposed to cry for attention. It also lacks the brain development to learn to calm itself down. It is pointless, and even damaging, to leave a baby to cry alone (and that includes so-called "controlled crying"). I am satisfied that I have done the right thing by consistently responding to Cave Baby's cries.